I want to introduce myself to the group as someone who knows she has to stop drinking entirely, but don't trust that I can. I have failed myself so many times that I feel only despair. I am overwhelmed even taking the small step of posting on this site, but I hope if I can reach out to others who are struggling with this that maybe I can find my way. Thank you for any help you can give me.
Thank you for that, hors controle. I too have hurt my children by being easily angry when I drink. I am deeply ashamed of this, but I like to pretend it won't happen again and then, of course, it does. And looking in the mirror after a night of drinking creates further shame; I head to work with puffy eyelids and a heavy, tired face. I want this stop more than anything. I know what the future will look like if I don't and it scares me to death.
Don't give up on your end. Try to go slow, day by day or even hour by hour. I feel like if we give ourselves a chance to know what even 30 days of sobriety looks like, we no longer have to deal with the feeling that we can't escape this. We can. Thanks for your honest post.
I understand so well about the people you love being enough motivation to stop drinking. At least, they sure should be. Yet somehow, they can't compete with the urge to drink and that reality feels so awful to me. I have stopped drinking for several weeks in the past, but always fool myself by telling myself I can occasionally have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner when we go out. I tell myself I can drink casually and infrequently and that is just not true. How do you stop this cycle from repeating itself?
You are truly gutsy to battle this; I wish you strength and a sense of hopefulness as you find your way to sobriety and stay there. Twenty one days is amazing.
Thanks for that, Dook. I was walking to the store tonight to pick up a few treats for everyone and thought about buying a bottle of wine. Didn't do it. Tried to concentrate on the quiet night, the crunch of the snow under my boots and the cold breeze on my face. I tried to be as present as I could be and for tonight, that worked. Will read for a while and go to bed early; I feel relieved and grateful for this day.
Thank you to all of you for all of your posts; your words help me know that not only am I not alone, but that you really do understand the struggle and have some pretty amazing perspectives to share.
So today is Day 5 for me. It is also Thursday. Which might seem unimportant except that I can muddle along, alcohol free, for only the first few days of the week. Then Thursday arrives and I get this crazy feeling of deserving something good, something relaxing and definitely, some alcohol. I tell myself it's been a really long week and that I've worked hard. I go out to eat with my husband and drink several glasses of wine in a row and I enjoy every minute of it. Until the middle of the night, of course, when I wake up, unable to sleep further and full of shame and sadness. I have done this over and over. So today it's my goal, Thursday or not, to eat dinner at home and stay sober. And to somehow get through this first weekend without returning to the miserable trap that alcohol creates for me. I try to remind myself to take it one day at a time, but really, I am dreading the next few days. It's so hard to trust myself.
Thanks for asking, K. I feel hesitant to write about this because I blew it on Thursday. My husband got home from work late and we just went out to eat as usual and of course, I drank. He called on the way home from work yesterday to ask if I'd like a bottle of wine and at least I said no to that and was sober last night. He is supportive of my efforts but I don't think he sees how much of a problem I really have. He drinks as well, but not heavily. I think it may be hard for him to believe I have a problem when I seem fine in all other ways.
Thanks, Ashley. I am trying to focus on getting some exercise and putting positive effort and energy toward my body. I hope it can help me shift gears and do better when next weekend rolls around.
Nodrama, you amaze and inspire me with your honesty and grit. I am at the very beginning of this journey and you (and the people who have responded to your posts) give me hope and direction. I know that there are a thousand ways we can fail ourselves and our families, but people like you make me realize that there is a way forward, bad days, slips and all. Thank you for that.
Annes
Thanks, Jakelad, for reminding me that I am not alone. For the longest time I thought I could do this by myself, but using this site has helped me to realize that connecting with others on this road can really help. I hope it helps you too and that you are doing all right today.
Nodrama, you are too, too right about the honesty issue. It's so very hard for me to be truthful with my husband about the degree of my drinking problem. I drink too much in plain sight, but no one seems to realize that it's way too much. I'm so ashamed about this. Sometimes, I can't believe this is actually where I find myself; this is not something I would have expected from myself in a thousand years. But that disbelief has helped me to be in denial for years about how much I actually drink and how much I seek oblivion. Were you able to be truthful with your husband and children? My family relies on me so much to be the strong, competent one that the thought of telling them I have a drinking problem just scares me to death. Yet I know you're right about this! Thank you for writing about it. It's important and you helped me look at it.
Annes
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