Jacklad---me too. I had a horrible self talk thing going.  I was less than dirt....I was desparate to be dead. And its a sad state to be in and you feel really alone. I couldn't look in the mirror either.   Again, I am just so thankful I found this site and all of you! :-)

 

Annes---Thursday is a trigger for you it seems.  I understand that you have a habit of going out with your husband and getting drunk. What does he do? Is he drinking along with you?  Does he know you have these feelings and are wanting to stop? I think a strong partner is really helpful.  Accountablity is key.  We drinkers are the very best I know at justifying our drinking. I know because I do it too.  But, here's the thing....the best thing you can do is stay away from it for a bit.  See how you feel....you are already 5 days in! That's great!  If you get past tonight think of how strong you'll feel. Seriously, it's empowering to choose NOT to drink. As I said---love yourself. Who needs a freaking hangover anyway??  Sober is catching...share with your posts here and help yourself and it will help others. Good luck and hang in there.

Hi everyone! This is a very interesting discussion. I've read all the posts.  Here's my opinion....

First of all, I too have been on rock bottom. I was ready to take my life this past summer. It seemed the right thing to do for my familiy because I couldn't see a way out of the "grave" so to speak I'd gotten myself into.  I had it justified in my mind---they'll be sad for a while but, ultimately better off because I am so "bad" that I can't be "fixed" and they will just have memories of me and blah, blah, blah....it's white noise basically.  It's BS.  Really. NO your family and friends are not better off without you.  You are trying to stop drinking. You are trying to better your mental self and your body too. I think that alcohol is poison.  It has a way of tricking your brain into thinking really messed up thoughts....and just because you haven't been drinking for a few day's after a binge or if you were drinking every day....it takes a little while for the alcohol to clear out of your brain. BUT--once you let the dust settle you will feel better and be able to think more clearly.  I just had a stumble last week.  But, I don't discount all the sober days I've had since starting here this summer. It has been the best decision I've made to share here, make friends and get support from people that know where I'm coming from. So, Annes, Cryptkeeper, K and Hors controle, and Dook (if I missed someone I'm sorry) there is help and you can get better.  Jakelad is right...there are people that care. His story is very inspiring!  Here's the thing....you may stumble along the way but, if you keep trying your getting better all the time, every day.  It took a long, LONG time to get to this point in your life.  It will take a while to straighten it out.  Whether with moderation or totally staying away....your choice and you are in control of it.  Alcohol is a monster and I look at it as that. Like it has a body and it makes me shutter.  Listen...we didn't become problem drinkers because of self love.  We did so because of self hate.  Start loving yourself (very good advise some of the wise folks on this site recently reminded me of). Love yourself first, be kind to your soul and your body will follow.  I'm not being religious.---we all have our inner peace/soul. We see it in ourselfs when we have enough time sober to love ourself again. And if you are like me....when you start to love yourself that's when you are most dangerous to yourself  because we have so much we feel like we have to "make up for" that we can't cut ourselves a break.  Well, I'm here to tell you---everyone has crap they wish they could take back.  Everyone has a history.  Shake it off. Love yourself more.  BTW---You'll find that the longer you stay away from booze the better your skin looks...and it's a great weightloss plan too!  Peace to you all!

David there is a solution. 

Hi Jakelad and everyone else in this string.  Rock bottom. Yep, am there now. Attempt suicide. Yep, 4 times in 4 years.  I can relate to your mindset and experience.  I chose my forum name as "cryptkeeper" for good reason.  Basically, it means at any given time I have one foot in the grave and the other on planet earth.That is the daily (hourly) struggle I and others face.  Good days?  Bad days?  Terrible days? Hopeful days? Indifferent days? Can't remember days? Booze is a liquid demon, plain and simple. It can turn intelligent, caring people into animals, with little or no self-control.  But, I also use "cryptkeeper" as a forum name to hopefully aid others, in whatever small way I can, from entering the crypt prematurely.

 

I haven't totally quit drinking, so I am not one bit different or special than anyone else in this forum or others who read these forums. I have quit for periods of 6 weeks or more several times over the past 5 years. Why do I allow this disease free access to my brain and earthly life and loved ones?  Well, number 1, I'm selfish.  Number 2, I enjoy the "buzz" of having several drinks...I truly do, because it allows me to forget or shut off temporarily all that clamor going on in my brain...even if it is for a few short hours. I pay dearly for those short pleasure moments the next day and days after that.  Makes no sense whatsoever to a clear minded person.

 

I am at rock bottom, however, because of the grace of God I am still able to use my mind to write this.

 

So, with good reason, one might ask how I can help you?   The simple answer is I cannot.  However, there is One, God, our spiritual Father, a higher power who is completely aware of each and every one of our thoughts and nitty-gritty daily experiences. Who was it that denied the grave of my soul after 4 suicide attempts?  Who is it that allows us to hit rock bottom?  NB:  Some of us need to learn the hard way.  Doesn't matter.

 

Tonight or perhaps some other clear night, look at the stars and the magnitude of our universe, with its myriad of galaxies and stars.  You decide for yourself whether you believe He is preparing us to ultimately take care of His creation, with a love that is unconditional and immeasurable, using life experiences, yes, including alcoholism to bring us that point.

 

I am thoroughly convinced that we are not simply on earth with this one pukey body and brain for maybe 80-85 years if we are fortunate.  We must expand our thinking beyond this fleshly experience.  I have much more to share, but if in any way I have offended someone, I apologize.

 

With love,

 

Cryptkeeper

(David) 

My life was going well, seemed to have everything under control. Stopped my the bar for "quick drink". Told the bar tender to make it a double and 3 hrs later I left to go to another bar with "new friends". At 4am I called the woman that thought I was go straight home. That is just one story, I have a 100 as I am sure you do also. But the question is, Have you hit rock bottom? Are you willing to do anything to get and stay sober? Till you can say yes to both questions you are not ready.

I lost it all wife, kids, house, cars, boats and my will to live. March 9 2014 I tried to kill myself because I was so messed up that dying seemed to be the best plan I could come up with. March 10 I asked for help and became humble enough to take the help. So far I have been sober since and each day I seem to be getting more content.