Thank you Kez and TS for your kindness. I am trying to be kind to myself. It easier for me to be kind to others than myself. But, I am working on it. Life is a work in progress. I was reading on the smart recovery site yesterday and a point I liked was one that's been made her many times. A slip isn't a relapse. A slip is a slip. A bad decision, yes, but doesn't start the clock over. That's what has been a hang up for me I feel like all the sober days all the work is thrown out when I mess up. Not the case, though. Can't unlearn what we've learned, can't take back the good days...so instead of dwelling on my slip up I'm trying to be positive and dwell on the goodness and focus on being in now and helping others if I can.
Ashley,
The thoughts just before....I don't know... Except by noon I knew all of my family would be gone all afternoon they had checked in and made plans for the day even though I expected to do something with my kids they made other plans. No biggie. So, I was on my own. Perhaps it was lonely or like I said I had in my head my anger from my husband questioning me and I agree I do have the self fulfilling prophecy frame of mind at times. Also, I was thinking when will it every be enough? When will they let me live it down? I know it's all self defeating crazy talk. But I sucked myself right into a bunch of self hate and self pity. Because no one is harder on me than me.
Now days later---we went out to dinner last night and everyone at the table drank except me. And I have to say it was hard to be different. And the waiter asked me literally 4 times is I was sure I didn't want a "fun" drink! Good grief! Finally I just said can I have some lemon and a straw for my water? That will make it "fun", right? He left me alone after that. Lol. My husband has talked to me more in the last few days in a non judgemental way than he ever has. I don't know what's different this time with him. But I have been very straight about it. How I am so mad for beating up my body and I know it's poison. I know better than to do that to myself. I think he maybe finally sees I didn't do it just because it would be so exciting and glamourus and fun. As you all know that's defiantly not the case.
Yes TS! Hard liquor is my undoing. And I do go to it when I go off on a bender. It scares me. I think I should stay away from all liquor at least until the cruise and I'm not so sure I should drink on it. Don't want to fall off the boat!
I told my husband last night after we got home that the thing I was most excited about after dinner was---I was gonna feel good in the morning, no hangover AND I was gonna remember the entire dinner! Then I said that sounds kind of sad....
Hey it's gonna be alright....yes?
