Wobbly Wagon
Hi David,
First off, I want to say "Thank you!" for sharing. I read your
posts when you put them up and they have given me a lot to consider.
I've been thinking about your situation and I can deeply appreciate the
challenge you are embracing so let me just say "Good for you!". It takes
A LOT of courage and strength to take on a decision to change so "WELL
DONE". Congratulations on taking your first steps in giving back to
yourself a new life I know will find success and enjoy the freedom your
looking for.
We've all spent a long time getting to where we are. We didn't plan
this evolve to the extent that it has, however WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO
CHANGE. We are all in possession of our own supercomputer which is our
brain. Through progressive training we've programmed this computer to
operate in a certain way. The programs we've developed have become so
highly refined that the consistent output is to consume alcohol. This
can be changed. You programmed it before and you can reprogram it again.
Based on the concept of neuroplasticity we can change and recover from
injury or bad programming. Neuroplasticity refers to the brains natural
ability to recover from injury. Injury need not be physical, it can be
psychological. Unknowingly, we built so many associations and
neuropathways in our mind to satisfying our basic human needs that the
end result is we have established a tremendous amount of triggers that,
inevitably, leads us drink. Imagine that drawer where you progressively
toss your electronic stuff; headphones, cords, power supplies. After
years of neglect you need those headphones and dive into that drawer.
What you're faced with is a tangled mess that takes time to unravel
until you get what you need. With focus and persistence you get there
but it doesn't happen without effort (and a few F-bombs!) along the way.
I share this analogy because you have started that process. It's
going to take time, effort, and patience David so take a deep breath,
relax, and stay focused. You are exactly where you need to be based on
your programming and you've elevated yourself above that by
demonstrating the courage to seek professional help and begin the
process of unraveling those wires. You mentioned you suffer from
depression and anxiety. This is completely understandable and, I'd say
based on your mindset. perfectly normal at the moment. You're taking
medications to help ease yourself through this point in time and that is
enough. You don't need anymore medication (alcohol). One of the
characteristics we all share is that relief from change can't happen
soon enough so more is better (i.e. drinking too much). We go for the
Extra-Strength versions on the shelf and mixing a few together should
really help! Not.
As to anxiety and boredom. Boredom breads restlessness and anxiety.
That's one of the reasons I enjoyed drinking. It stimulates my
imagination and allows me to sit placidly while in my mind there's a
million things going on. It's a mental escape where you can be honest
with yourself and have no boundaries or fear of being judged or
criticized by anyone. I'm free to be whatever I want. Yet, if you really
think about it, you know deep down inside what you want. If you
honestly admit to yourself what that is often times that voice inside
your head starts speaking back, usually in the form of a peer in your
life, that says "Are you nuts! You can't do that!". And so starts the
cycle of internal turmoil, pressure and anxiety, and "Bing!", welcome to
"Trigger City". Through fear of success and being true to ourselves we
stuff these ideas until we eventually forget about them and what we're
left with is one bad-ass trigger that we've wired into our personal
coping mechanisms.
Well let's look at a positive trigger
