Q about assertive communication

Thanks for the replies....Maybe my work woes are too much to sum up in a thread. I can't claim angelic innocence, yet I can say that I've given a lot of positive feed back to co workers and been supportive to the point of backing them up even when I disagreed with a decision they were making. I don't spend a lot of time asking if they're ok or not if it is clear that they don't want to be pestered about what's on their mind. I guess my problem is giving away too much of myself to make sure that my team member is steady and supported by me at the expense of my own boundaries and energies. this has been going on for 5 years, until I finally had a bit of a breakdown last summer. I recieved help for the matter, and have been strongly encouraged to set and maintain my own boundaries - in other words, take care of me. This is new behavior for me, and I'm struggling a little bit, so my first steps have been somewhat awkward and have taken some people by surprise. For example if someone fills me in on important dialogue with a client and then asks me if I'll do the documentation, I have politely stated that since they are the one who had this meaningful interraction, then I think it would do the matter justice if they did the file note. That sort of thing. In the past I simply did as requested and often took flack for someone else's error simply because I knew that if I didn't, then working with that person would be very difficult. However, that's all changing, not as smoothely as I'd hoped since I'm new at asserting myself, and so, like I said some of my 'assertiveness' has been somewhat awkward and has caused a bit of a stir amoung the staff body. I'm getting quite a back lash because I reported a very serious case of professional misconduct and the person was investigated and dismissed - so you can see how we're all sort of circling one another finding some common ground. I do my level best to maintian professionalism...I no longer engage in gossip about co workers, I'm careful about my choice of words when passing along information at shift change, and I've been challenging people who choose to confide to me their latest disagreement with the boss. Which brings me back to the matter of giving positive feedback. I think I should work on that more. I applaud a job well done and thank people for helpful input...but somehow even that bites me in the rear as I'm sounding condescending. It's a real dance, but I'm learning. I think that whenever there is a change in an interpersonal dynamic, there are ripples. I think that with time and practice, I'll develope a better sense of tact and consideration. At this time I'm very awkward and I often embarrass myself. I know I've gone on a fair bit here...the matter is very close to my heart I hope I haven't come off sounding like I'm singing 'poor me' I try to take ownership of myself and my actions especially when I've recieved constructive critisism. ok. I think I'll stop here, I'm having a hard time closing this post. Thanks again for your replies....:-) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 533 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,320 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,660.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 9 [B]Mins:[/B] 5 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45

Q about assertive communication

thanks misty...I'm looking forward to the CBT Sundays and Thursdays...I think this is going to be very helpful to me. I've printed off today's post and plan to carry out the assignment. I think the Mod's Corner is a really great idea! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 534 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,360 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,680.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 4 [B]Seconds:[/B] 2

Hi, brand new here

rockstar...I hadn't thought of myself as being in the negatives, what a totally cool way to think of it ;-) I was thinking I had 24 years to go before I would be able to think in terms of zero (that's how long I smoked). I've been poking around a bit more and this place rocks! I totally love the mods corner, tons of good info there. Have a great day all ttyl [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 534 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,360 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,680.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 7 [B]Seconds:[/B] 25

Celebrating my 2nd Smoke Free B Day :-)

today I'm 41 years old and I'm happy to say I'm ringing it in without giving myself repeated hits of nicotine. A friend once told me that I can't really count my addiction beaten until I've experienced all the seasons without smoking. Well, I can say with pride that I've finally experienced all the seasond (well, winter twice lol) I don't have anything special planned for the day except to take myself and my smoke free lungs out to run errands and keep an appointment - walking no less :-) I think that I'll probably total a few hours of tracks in the snow today, and I'm happy to say the weather has been mild. Not like last week where it was in the minus 40's including the wind chill brrrr that was just nasty! Have a great day everyone :-) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 535 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,400 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,700.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 12 [B]Mins:[/B] 22 [B]Seconds:[/B] 37

been a LONG while since...

Congratulations Jan, that first month is a doozey! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 536 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,440 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,720.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 24 [B]Seconds:[/B] 47

CBT Day - Communication

I have to admit that I'm ruled by my emotions. I am definately a reactor rather than a responder and so, I tend to bounce through different communication styles. I'm able to be assertive if I feel comfortable with the person. When I feel intimidated my style gets more and more indirect until even I'm annoyed with myself. I'm looking into getting some long term professional help to guide me into staying focussed on the moment (mindfullness and awareness) and to gain some freedom from my slavery to my sometimes very intense emotions. At the moment I'm seeing someone on a temporary basis and my time with him is running out - sad for me, I'll miss him. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 536 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,440 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,720.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 27 [B]Seconds:[/B] 44

Topic: CBT Day ? Communication, Part III

timing *sheesh* I'm so impatient when I want to say something, that I'm practically squirming in my seat waiting for a chance to say my bit - especially if I'm ticked in some way. I totally admire those of you who can take a time out, breathe, journal about it, write it out and then approach the matter in a calm way. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 536 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,440 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,720.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 28 [B]Seconds:[/B] 17

CBT Day - Communication

Thanks Misty Moonlight, I'll totally pick up a copy. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 537 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,480 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,740.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 36 [B]Seconds:[/B] 2

mantras

I used to repeat a few things to myself to help me through the cravings in the beginning of my quit...I'd like to list 2 or 3 and I think it would be really cool to use this thread as an emergency go to place for a quick thought....so I'm hoping that lots of us will post up our favorite get through the moment mantras, here are a couple of mine.... The craving will pass whether you smoke or not Smoking is not an option one is too many and a thousand is not enough [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 537 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,480 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,740.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 17 [B]Mins:[/B] 49 [B]Seconds:[/B] 21

CBT Day - Communication

Now that I'm at home, and have journalled and taken an hour of quiet in dim light with my cat, I am calm enough to talk a bit about communication and my frustration with my passivity. I messed up at work tonight. And my co worker lectured me endlessly about how the matter 'should' be handled and how she does it etc... She came back to the subject several times throughout the shift - even in front of clients (at the top of her voice too I might add). I was aware that i messed up and had already thought of a better way I would handle the situation in the future, and I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed that my co worker continued to lecture long after the matter had been resolved. I found myself blaming the clients for taking advantage of me because I'm a new staff member and easy going...then I took on a whole ton of self blame for not forseeing a problem...and I was very passive as I listened and with feigned fascination to yet another lecture about how my co worker does it her way. The problem? I had supper ready 10 minutes early and on the prompting of one of the clients went ahead and started to serve it....well, the early birds took extra large helpings which meant that those who came later had none. Big problem, and I had decided that i would never serve early again. By the middle of the shift (about 4 hours after dinner) when my co worker launched into her speech yet again, I nodded and assumed complete responsibility for the matter. Now, you're wondering what my point is. I tried and tried to find my centre throughout my shift...that place of calm within myself that would settle my shot nerves and refresh me a bit. Well, when I took time by myself in the office, there she was at me again....when I went to another room a client was there needing support, when I went to another floor of the building the volume in both TV rooms was sky high....so needless to say I was jangled for the entire night. So, the question....how the heck can I find a way to think clearly and ground myself in the midst of chaos??? [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 538 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,520 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,760.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 1 [B]Seconds:[/B] 11