As with any illness, disease, broken marriages,etc, you go through denial (this can't be panic, must be something majorly wrong with me), to anger (why me) to acceptance. When you accept it , you move forward, this doesn't mean you succumb and give up, but you get a plan to work on it-as you have done here. The thoughts of hurting yourself or your mom will dissipate and disappear, many a year I had vivid images of me freaking out in the car and what if I yanked the handle and flung myself out of the car-I wasn't suicidal, I was frozen with fear of the "what if I do", I didn't merely stop there, I played the whole scenario, so gruesome, Stephen King wouldn't be able to describe it in a book. It never happened, and those thoughts are a very distant memory. Remember when you are thinking, you are focused on the thoughts of what if, you are not stating, I want to hurt...., we are very analytical people (proven with PD), and we want answers....yesterday.
As far as wishing and looking at what you perceive to be normal people of what they can do and what we cannot can be holding you back. Sure I see people driving around, I can not, successful jobs, of which I had and don't any longer. But over the years, my perception of success is within myself. I have a father who is quite successful and measures others the same way, for years I never felt I made him proud, or measured up to him due to my disorder-ironic that I felt this way, when he really was an absent father in my life during my childhood. Me seeking approval from someone that wasn't there for me? I have a brother that plays into this twisted mind games of being successful to gloat of big homes, nice cars-but time tells this is not what is reality. His family suffers and is in turmoil with his teenagers since he is on the road so much, his marriage is suffering for it, he works so hard to maintain this lifestyle-he has given himself a heart attack. And here I sit, sure I have PD, my life isn't what I envisioned yet, but my husband who doesn't make the big bucks, is a loving husband, he is home every night, he has always been there for his children, I consider myself the blessed one, whereas I used to think the others had it made. Life isn't about how big your four walls are, it is what you know you have achieved within yourself everyday. You are compassionate person, caring, you are determined to work this through, some days will be harder than others, but you will only be the stronger for it.
