Thank you for taking the time to clarify Red. I appreciate the thoughtful tone of your post. I'm glad you are here.
Thanks for your encouragement Tiana. Today IS going to be a good day... Not perfect as 60-70 mph winds are expected, but now I have more balance in realizing that yes there will be some anxiety as I'm not "cured" but I do have the tools to manage this. I will manage better than last time but probably not as good as next time. I will build layers of success over this phobia... but am open to the possibility that it may scrape raw bone again too. That sounds like such a wishy-washy statement, but for some reason it FEELS empowering. Weird.
Welcome Robb. I am so very sorry for your loss and the impact it has had on your life. It was helpful for me to read the CBT session on grief as I learned that a complicated relationship and/or death makes it far more difficult to work through the grief. A lot harder than when everything is clear cut and open. I've experienced both. Your situation is clearly complex. Sunny is right... you have come to the right place. Be gentle with yourself and know we are here to support you.
Excellent observation (that's not the word I want, but will have to suffice)... I've been pondering Ashley's question about what have we learned this month and I would have to say THE MOST IMPORTANT thing I've learned is exactly that distinction between "being cured" and "being in recovery". I just would add that the expectations of our performance in relation to both is extremely important. Expecting to be cured allows so very little leeway for error or practice or compassion... and opens the door to disgust, despair, and defeat. Expecting recovery acknowledges that it is a journey. Some days progress is made. Some days not. Some days it's all just a huge backward slide.... if I can be patient and kind with myself and be a cheerleader instead of judge... wow! What difference that makes in all corners of my life.
Yup, that is what I learned this month. Thank you everyone for your support which helped get here and especially thank Davit for being instrumental in the process and then even explaining it so clearly. Wow!
BTW, little miss has given up naps for now (this too shall pass) so I may not be on as much <sigh>
After years and years of on again, off again psychotropics.... I finally accepted that for me?..... it is best to just keep taking them forever. I used to try to go off my meds about every 6 to 12 months and would find myself severely depressed and hospitalized wondering why I was there. I'd feel great for awhile.... just long enough to forget that I feel like crap without them. Anyway, I'm a big proponent of psych meds .... for me. Everyone has to figure out for themselves what works for them. FYI, I have been on the same meds cocktail for 10 years and it really has helped me to stabilize... Daily I take Buproprion (Wellbutrin) 300 mg, Fluxoteine (Prozac) 40 mg, Respiridone (Seroquel) 50 mg. I don't think people here are anti-medications. The main message is that CBT will take you much further than meds alone. Wish it were as black and white as "take them" "don't take them".... but it really is an individualized decision.... hopefully made with the help of an MD and a pdoc or psychologist.
Loves trees.... Unfortunately, you are not alone in psych "professionals" declaring you fine.... even when you tell them you know you are not. High functioning people with mental illnesses baffle the "professionals" .... we don't fit their clinical guidelines.... for ppl with my diagnosis, it typically takes 7 years of treatment before anyone even comes close to getting it right. I've seen some really bad pdocs and therapists... I've seen some really good ones.... and I've seen many more who meant well and caused more damage out of ignorance than the bad ones all put together. (I briefly saw a counselor who determined I needed to have demons caste out! Sheeeeeesh!) Anyway, we must advocate for ourselves and trust our own instincts. It took me a long time of giving my power away before I came to understand the importance of this. Just because I have a form of mental illness, does not mean I'm incompetent. I dare say... neither are you. I found this to be a great place to get excellent feedback that can be trusted. I'm rather certain you will find the same. Hang in there, sweetie.... the mental IS extremely painful, extremely draining, and extremely serious. Let no one tell you elsewise. I reiterate what others have written ... we are here for you.
From my experience I believe we can never get our lives "back again" ... we can only create a new "normal". Create anew... I like that. As I've posted before, one of my new coping skills is Zentangling ... (drawing repeating patterns) .. anyway, it is traditionally done in ink... no erasing. And it just strikes me how much it mirrors life in that you can't "undo" ink or life events... you have to work with them... go around them... make them into something else.... or build on top of them until they blend into the background or are completely obliterated by a new design. Life or drawing... they are both a process.
Hi Spartan... welcome back! Seems to me, NOW would be a really great time to start over on the panic program.... take the tests again, begin at Lesson 1, do the homework.... ideally (if I remember correctly) it is a 12 week program.... how about that? You have perfect timing in coming back here now. Three months before you have to go to work. Three months to work the lessons. Worth a try? What's to lose? I believe you can do this....
Oh Dizzy... I'm so sorry you had an awful day. You are right, sometimes it does take days like those to help us realize we really are making progress. I'm so proud of you for coming and posting about it. For being able to see the positive. So much courage! If you ever get to feeling like you are not making progress just let us know because, although I've never responded to you specifically before, I have indeed seen your understanding grow and your determination shine through.(((((Dizzy))))) Like Davit says... we are here for you!
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