hello everyone! i have been gone awhile and i've missed it. the last week has been horrible. my dad had to go to the hospital for GI bleed- our local hosp felt he would be better off at a larger hospital so he was then sent to one 2 hours away from home. he stayed there for 4 days, had tests galore, stabilized and came home. 24 hours later it happened again (the bleeding) so was again sent to hospital 2 hours away where he was treated and released within 24 hours. He is elderly with congestive heart failure, transfusion dependent anemia and other health issues. i dealt with dad essentially alone the entire time. one sister said she could only take off work one day out of the week (she's the boss), one said she couldn't afford to go (i made the trip over and back in a day to accommodate her), the others didn't even offer to take a turn at going to hosp. to be with him so... i took off work, spent money i don't have on gas and hotels etc... and bore the burden alone. now i'm so angry and hurt i can't see straight.
my problem is that i don't know if my feelings are valid or if this is my depressed mind working overtime due to the circumstances. last week was very hard on me- i felt alone and scared,i had some big projects at work i had to neglect and my sisters were calling me with questions, wanting updates and expecting answers each time. when i couldn't answer their questions just then they would get angry. i understand that they were concerned and frustrated by not knowing what was going on. i wanted to scream at them "get over here yourselves then" i fell asleep and woke up crying every day. what would've happened if i hadn't been willing/able to go?
ok... what i'm getting at is this: what am i really angry about? that i didn't get assertive and insist on some help? that i couldn't handle it alone? is my anger at them valid? am i being a big baby? am i being a martyr? were my expectations wrong and/or selfish?
i would really like to hear from any and all of you because i know there is understanding here.
thank you for the support! it felt good just to type out what i was thinking and feeling. it feels even better to read the replies and to be reminded that i am not alone and i am understood here.
yes i am angry at the world- at my world. yes i am the one who tries to fix everything and keep everyone happy (then i'm angry and hurt on the inside when no one notices or gives me credit or offers to help- hence the martyr ref.)
again, i appreciate all the input thus far. I've gotten some clarity but, mostly the support i crave (a laptop is now on my wish list so that i can post and stay in touch if this happens again).
i talked to my daughter and she reminded me that I've been dealing with ill parents for quite sometime- a point that i had forgotten. my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in feb 2000, dad began all his health problems in may 2000. they divorced when i was 6 so i had to deal with them separately. mom died in march 2002 while dad continued to have health issues to date. geez... no wonder i'm resentful of these health issues and having to deal. and of course there is the rest of my life- my job, my other job, husband, daughters, grandchildren oh yeah... and ME! time to take time for me, time to ask for what i need and want, time to care for myself.
you folks are awesome!
ps sorry i have not responded to some of the other discussions, i do care about what happens in your lives as well. i just wanted you all to know that!!
i love your statement about being a well oval person!!!
ain't amazing how others to us compared to how we see ourselves!! many people see me as confident, competent creative person. (fooled them) seriously, i am very creative but, not so sure about the other adjectives. for me it depends on the day or moment.
wildcat- sounds like you are doing very well. you come across as a very "grounded" person, well-"rounded" you are amazing!! thanks for sharing this post!!!!!
i am feeling better- haven't done any asking for help though... maybe that'll come. i think i need to process this anger and frustration before i talk to those sisters of mine.
dad is feeling much better (4 whole days without hospital- yippee) so i am getting back into my normal routine and that feels good. why does it take someone with depression longer to "recover" from these types of events? it took me those 4 whole days to start to feel my normal again. anyone else experience this?
thanks again everyone for listening to me and hearing me!!
i haven't posted in quite awhile and i never know where to jump in. it's great to see so many new members logging on!!
things have been going ok, still dealing with the anger issues but, dealing better. i did adjust medications- increased my dosage of wellbutrin and that seems to be working.
i just wanted to say hi, i'm still around and glad that all of you are as well.
thanks DL, i may have spoken too soon. today is starting out not so good. can't turn off my brain, woke up to tears and tension, frustration and that nasty sense of dread that pokes up every so often.
this happened thanksgiving morning too but, i just thought it was my usual holiday stress mode kicking in (i'm a holiday hater to some extent- too much stress, too many people... all that)where one minute i'm kicking the dog (so to speak) and the next i'm crying uncontrollably.
i keep telling myself it's stress from work, dad, daughter, the holidays blah, blah, blah. so tired of the roller coaster, just so tired. and then i hear the old messages: "stop being so dramatic", "stop being such a baby", stop being the way you are and act right... people don't want to hear about your problems.
i hate days like today, hate feeling this way.
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