Thank you everyone for your kind words.
Ashley your idea for the letter writing is something I have done before, I found it too hard. Once I begin to think about one person I have lost there is a domino effect & I can feel my emotions spiraling. It is only 2 years since myfather died, and almost 10 since my husband passed, as I mentioned I put my husbands ashes in with my father as they were the best of friends.
My husband was police officer he didn't know he was ill, he began to have a heart attack whilst on duty 8 miles from home, and drove home to be with myself & our daughters. He arrived home, parked the car in the garage, hung up his uniform and died in our arms on our bed, all within 15 minutes of arriving home. It is that sight that haunts me, watching him fighting to breathe, his eyes bulging as he gasped for breath, his color changing drastically, the noises he made, I hear them if I am ever lucky enough to sleep, one of our daughters (they were only 12 at the time) thought he was having an asthma attack so was trying to give him her inhaler.
I was given 6 weeks grief counseling from the police then it ceased, I hadn't even begun to grieve as I was still in shock. My father was my hero & he lived a long and full life, I miss him dreadfully & feel that I am finding grieving for him easier, maybe as he had lived life and life wasn't taken from him at such a young age. I break down whenever I think of my husband and the raw pain of 2002 still feels the same.
I know I need to seek out help for this, & Davit you are right time is a great healer, yet I find that the pain is just as raw but the understanding that you will never see that person again gets easier to accept.
Tomorrow is another day & I will face it with the same positivity that I try to each day, if I feel a negative thought or feeling creeping in I now ask myself why is this happening, what will worrying about it actually achieve, by the time I have figured out the answer the feelings have subsided.
Whenever I here people complaining about their spouses or parent's I often say you don't realize just how lucky you are to have them with you to complain about. Cherish every moment of life with your loved ones as you never know what is around the next corner. Even though I have had many horrible experiences in my life I can now see the positive things I have achieved. My daughters have grown into amazing intelligent young women, both graduated and waiting to do their masters, they are my greatest achievements and the fact that I helped to shape them into the young women they are makes me very proud.
To anyone who has ever lost a loved one I am here for you.
