I did it !  This morning it was pouring down rain, so instead of walking to the light rail, I got in my car and DROVE and I was ok. I then had to drive back, to the store on the way and that was ok too. So I am happy about that!

I was doing pretty well, but the past few days things seem to be worse with my anxiety. I think the med thing may be playing a part in it, plus I have been slipping and having coffee and soda. Im just all out of whack, Im sleeping way too much and my appetite is off. Today riding the train was bad and I obsessed all day about the half mile drive I have to make. I hope I will feel better when I adjust back to the meds. 

I was so positive, this feels like a set back. I need to drive further soon as work is just around the corner. Im worried about this.

Part of the criteria to going back to my family is 

a. Driving

b. Off meds

c. working

d. living on my own

This will be the second holiday season away from my kids and its tearing me up. I miss them. They are pretty dissapointed with me, since I fell apart and have these issues. I need to fix them. I'm working out, trying to eat well, going to 12 step meetings almost every day, church twice a week, toastmasters for confidence, alanon, taking good vitamins, fish oil, seeing my therapist. quit smoking! I know I need to be more diligent with this program and another I have. I just wish I could fix me faster.

Thats what Ive been doing, this trying to stop the meds really slowed me down. The toastmaster thing was and is in the plan, but havnt made it. I went and the location was listed wrong, so I took a trip in to the city in bad weather for nothing, last week I was so out of it from the med thing I didnt even try and today, Im still out of sync so I slept too late. 

Yes, my family expects that before i ever have a chance to go back to them. I dont know what to think about it. Meds are helping, but wife and kids think I am weak and should find a different way of dealing with my problems. I just dont know what to think or do. I just want to get in m car and drive like I did for YEARS. I dont get it. Why is it like this. Whta terrible thing did I do to have this problem. All I ever wanted was to be a good Dad, husband and person. I failed at all of it. I miss my kids a lot.

Ok so I am all over the place lately, up, down, doing good, not doing good. I dont get it Im lost.

I do know I just was notified I will be working or training soon and I need to drive to get there. I was hoping to be further along by this time. I am a little concerned.