Hi Ashley,

Thank you also for your thoughtful questions.

The positive people in my life are not so close geographically, so that they would be on top of my current situation or would have a good understanding of my everyday life, unfortunately.

I do not have much left from family and relatives, who are the positive people in my life, and if anybody is still alive, they are not around. I do not talk with them every day. But you are right, I should ask them still.

I do not know if I am really lonely, or if I just feel lonely. But I feel terribly lonely. I don't know if it is because I can not open up, or because people avoid me indeed.

It is so hard. I have so much negative experiences of being the odd one. And it hurts so much to be so different one, all the time. To be the outsider. To not fit in anywhere. Why do I not fit in? What do I miss out..? Where do I go wrong?

I don't understand this honestly.

The same way as I don't understand how I could lose some weight recently. It just happened. I tried it earlier too and it did not succeed. And I do not know the exact reason, why it succeeded now. I feel so small and so powerless, eventhough I reached that 1 goal of losing weight. Nothing seems to work because I can do anything about it.

Similarly, I do not understand why I feel so so so so so terribly lonely and negative about myself. I know, I had also different feelings, positive ones. But it is a huge black cloud hanging over me just now, since a while. And I do not know how long it will last and when will it clear up for me.

Did I deserve it this way? Does it have a certain reason beyond that I am obviously behaving negatively? I mean, can and will I learn anything out of these terribly black days and hours and months and years? What is my role in this whole relationship-settings? Do I have any specific task or does it not matter anyway, what I am doing and saying?

I just feel so meaningless, avoided, useless, worthless. How can someone feel so bad about themselves?

I am taking antidepressants, and am still feeling this intense worthlessness. Or is this right because of the medication?

There was once a quote on thos website I remember, it sounded similarly like: if you go through hell, keep going.

I hope, I got the meaning? Does it mean, don't get stuck there? Just keep going amd one day you are at a nice place?

I was trying to find a different way of feelings and was trying to tell myself, that nobody would treat me bad without reason. So I must have given a reason for why they are avoiding me.

But it is so hard to find out, what I am doing wrongly.

How can someone find to feelings of self-acceptance, self-appreciation?

What would be the natural thoughts of a mentally healthy person how they would thonk about themselves despite obvious avoidance?

Any thoughts?

Hi Ashley,

Thank you tremendously for your insights and encouregment, also especially for your opennes to talk about yourself too.

Your words that there may be people who may not avoid me but would be happy to be friends, is like a healing for me now.

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Thank you so much.