Don't know what phase this disorder is in now, but a lot of anger. At times you don't even feel like yourself,( I don't mean I feel like someone else, just not my usual). Seem to be getting overwhelmed (my favorite new word) by some kind of feeling that builds up to a pitch. Am I making any sense?
It's like Gene said, moods seem to change with the wind - I know mine does. I can be walking outside by myself then start thinking about the things in life that I don't have, well - like a life and I get very down. Then when I come back home I usually have a good cry.
As for a reason, personally I think my moods have changed (and not for the better) since starting school. After 31 years out of school this is overwhelming. After being out of whack for a year and a half and counting and basically doing not much except having about 70 panic attacks and major depression all of which has left me feeling very worthless and defective. I have now flung myself back into society, big time. So there is a lot of anger for having this disorder in the first place and anger at the fact that every morning when I am on the streetcar going to school I see all the people going to work and I get angry at the fact I can't do that. Anger at the fact I'm getting angry (the feedback loop), anger at the fact I don't see this ending & think what next?
Overwhelmed at being back in society, english homework assignments, going on the streetcar in the morning rush hour with crowds just to name a few.
I see myself as one big emotional mess and wonder if I have finally run the gamut on mood disorders. I can only hope and pray that this is the last one!
I think you should move this post to the success stories, way to go.
And it doesn't sound silly to be afraid of eating when I was at my worst with the pa's I was afraid of taking a shower.(no it wasn't because I had watched the movie "Psycho") I don't think you will find anyone on these forums who will make a comment that anything related to this disorder is silly.
We each have our own individual fears to conquer and you know what - it is possible to overcome them.
I know you are right in your perception that there are a lot of situations out of our control.
To me it all comes down to the self- realization that I am only making myself feel worse and perpetuating the anxiety by fretting over them. Having said that I know the change has to come from me, but for me change is extremely hard.
You know what guys I can only focus on what I can't overcome. I break down everyday and cry. Today is an especially bad one, I don't know maybe there is an element of feeling sorry for myself. I am so sick of the constant battle, the mood changes, the thoughts from who knows where they come. The one thought that scares the hell out of me is about hurting my mum, even typing this is so hard for me to do. I love my mum more than anything in the world and just the fact of having this thought gets me so depressed, I can't stand it.
I just feel like crawling in a hole some place.
What the heck is this thing that we sometimes have very scary thoughts like this?
It gets you that you don't want to go on anymore. I have read other peoples posts and they have the same thoughts. How am I supposed to cope with something that is so terrifying to me?
Just one thing to add the scary thoughts about hurting my mum, iis something I would and could never ever do. I am the kind of person that if there is a bug in the house I will catch it in a container & then take it outside and release it.
Which is why the having the thought just terrifies and depresses me.
I have only started reading this post now, but a big round of applause is in order. What an accomplishment to be graduating and making the deans list. Way to go!
I hope your tests come back with nothing to worry about. I agree with CrabbyRoad lack of sleep and stress in general can take a toll on our bodies.
I had the same experience as you regarding medication. When I came out of the hospital after my surgery this year I had to take meds, I too would panic and worry about side effects. But it did get easier and eventually I was able to take them without panicking. It's just getting over that initial what if syndrome.
Just thought I would check in to see how you're doing.
You know one thing I've learned from this nightmare, we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. In a lot if not most cases the anticipatory anxiety is worse than the actual event. I'm sure reflecting back on past situations you will agree.
I guess one thing to keep in mind is how much you have accomplished to date. I have read an awful lot of books on Mood Disorders. One of them suggests to envision a positive outcome of your event, see it in as much detail as you can. See yourself sitting in your chair, relaxed. Walking up to the stage & receiving your diploma, then the feeling of accomplishment for a having come so far.
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Boy, sounds like you have a good therapist & he doesn't push meds! I wouldn't mind having one like yours.
I can relate to the hamster in a wheel scenario, describes me to a tee these days.
Ever tried Mindfulness Meditation? I have read a lot of positive things about it.
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