Totally pooped again. Spent the day cleaning, then with dad..... and then my kids decided they wanted to go camping. So I have the entire night to myself. Rare. So forgive me for not writing more again. But seriously! I can count on one hand the times when I didn't have to take care of anyone but myself! My 14 day reward .
Hi again Deb : ) What a wonderful, fun day! And no need to stop and smoke; isn't it great?! I have two teen sons (neither of them would even think of smoking; they've seen its destruction and the separation you point out only too well) and the first time we did something as a family when I didn't run away to hide and have my cigarette was so liberating! I won't ever trade these moments together for Nicodemon again! We (family) 4 X 4'd up the Mnt to an old logging show and spent the day cutting firewood for the winter - Not even a thought of smoking! Scaling the slopes; packing wood; not even tired here! WOW! I loved my smoke free day today too! So glad you laughed a lot! So many folks here thinking of you : ) Hope your sleep was restful with sweet dreams
Super tired. I just want to write a brief note, and respond to you-- eya, and bill. But I need to go sleep so I'm planing on writing to you guys tomorrow.
I spent the day with my two sons in Santa Cruz today. I loved not having to stop and smoke. We went to the flea market, we went to the farmer's market and got so much wonderful produce, local cheeses, and bread that was baked this morning. Then we went to one of our favorite places to eat in Capitola. We laughed a lot.
I love not smoking. Today I didn't miss it for a second. That cloud around me seperated me from the people I love.
Thanks to both of you for responding. I promise to write tomorrow.
Oh but your feelings do come through Deb; loud & clear! Your depth of character rises right up from the undercurrent of your soul and shines through - all the way to this SSC board! Your Dad has done a fine, fine job; he has raised you! And he is one lucky guy to have such a sweet daughter. To have shared a lifelong bond such as yours is worth every penny of each minute! There sounds like so many of them that it appears your Dad owes you a few more bucks, although, if you get the 30 cents for that back scratch, I'm guessing you'll feel you've come ahead!
I am sorry if I tripped a switch that has caused you more pain or confusion; if I did so, it was not intentional! Your dilemma in deciding whether to go anywhere else when your Dad is not out of the woods with his health is so hard! But you will make the choices that you need to make, and somehow, I believe they will be just the right ones! Remember to reward yourself for beating Nicodemon to a pulp! And never forget that you are not your addiction; you are beautiful. It's nicotine that sucks! I wish you, your Dad, and your family peace and joy in your hearts. Eya
I still can't write about my feelings eya. The post you wrote though, made me be with him that much more. I can tell you that. He's still here, and because of you, I am there for him everyday.
I just got home from his house, and I need to talk about something else.
How can I talk about something else????? He can't breathe. Or rather, he can barely breathe. He wants me to hold him. He wants to know that I love him. He asked tonight "did I do a good job?"........ I know what he means.
So I scratch his back and tell him that he is the best father that a daughter could ever hope to have. He used to pay me a penny a minute when I was little. I used to think that was a great deal. Tonight I asked him if the deal still stood. "Dad, I think I've earned 30 cents." And he laughed. He's still here.
I'm staying home this weekend. I decided not to go away. I want to be near my dad, and hang out wth my kids. I think we may go to Santa Cruz tomorrow.
I have no words right now. But your post means so much. I, like you, need to think about what you've written because we have lived it and are living it. And the emotions for me are a little too much to write at the moment.
But thank you. Really. Thank you for talking to me.
I've been following your post. It is still difficult for me to re-read today. I feel I must know your Dad and relate to your relationship with him to the core of my being. I joined the SSC on the day my Dad died of complications from all the same ailments your Dad was hospitalized for. Mine also had lung (& prostate) cancer that crept into his bones. It was brutal! He was strong, funny, well loved and it was my job for my entire life (since 10 yrs old) to give him back rubs! I even quit my job so I could fly to his home whenever he needed me over the past 2 years before he died. I was a closet smoker for 3 years before Jan 5, 2011, but, on that day, I promised my Dad that would QUIT forever and joined SSC. Since I hadn't succeeded up to then, I needed a plan! Turns out, I got stressed at the funeral and began with a few puffs here & there (also I was on the patch) for a few weeks, but was finally turned around by the advice found here - that NOPE thing! So on Feb 1, I admitted my further 'cheats' to the Universe, SSC and my Dad in heaven and asked for freedom from this demon called nicotine. There is no way that it was easy to quit, but Cold Turkey did work for me! I have stuck by NOPE since. I profoundly thank these same members (and many more here too) who have responded to your thread. What angels! As you are too Deb! Thank you for your post, even through new tears. Your avatar shows your sweet face, kindness and beauty. I hope you make it through this weekend - the voice of sanity and many kind (if not poignant) responses from your good friends are here; with advice any time you need it. Adding my name to list of those rooting for you Deb! You can do it! I hope you take care of yourself; you so deserve it! And hug your Dad tons; I'm a bit envious you still get to! But still not smoking here! Eya
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