Hi gabs, I was reading through some of your posts and I think you are inspirational. You are going through everything I am but worse and your doing it so much better than me. I wish I could be half as strong as you are. I hope you keep us posted, your my inspiration to be strong. kelsey

Gabs, Anyway you could shorten your to-do list? Ex: Writting one letter for everyone on your computer? Print it off, put it in your cards and send them on their way. Or To get ready, maybe pack up your purse the night before, or blow dry your hair the day before, ordering some of your gifts online and just picking them up of having them delivered, ect... Hope this helps. Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi Guys, Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I am still trying to stay strong and be true to myself but its just too easy sometimes to slip into old ways. I am determined not to allow myself to take too many steps backwards. With Christmas fast approaching there seems to be so much to do and think of. Usually by this time I have all the presents bought and wrapped but as yet have only bought the odd thing. The thing i am finding so frustrating still, is how long it takes me to get myself together to just get out of the house. I have always been a 90 mile an hour person and now the days skip by and all I have done is put the washing on. My concentration is terrible still and I dont know if its the medication or the depression. I have so many Christmas cards to write but never seem to get round to it. I am sure no one would care if I didnt send any, but to me, i want to keep in contact with people as hopefully if/when i get well I will still have a life. Lovelybones, you are right in saying that there are a lot of similarities in our situation. I know deep down that I should have been brave enough long ago, when my children were small to leave but i wasnt. I guess I was always hoping that i could make him love me. I am still angry that my husband has watched me suffer for so long and only just now, after a couple of terrible outbursts from me has he even made a rather weak effort to find out about my depression and what i am trying to do to help myself through it. He has never looked at a thought record or even wondered what I am doing. His latest retort tonight was, that he couldnt understand why no sleep could make my back pain worse. Duh, lack of sleep makes everything worse! I am still worried that after my next back operation, i will be just left to get on with it. I dont react very well to anesthetic and am concerned that I may miss my meds as happened the last time and i went cold turkey. It was a very frightening experience. It worries me that I will eventually end up disabled, a fact that I have to face, its not an if, its a when. Who will take care of me? I dont want him to look after me because I nag him to. I want him to want to. To me thats what love is. Anyway, despite this, i no longer have to pretend to my children that I am well which is truly a relief. I am going to try to be 'me'(still looking for her) even at the risk of upsetting anyone. And I may even buy myself a golf club to use as lovelybones suggests! x

Hi Gabs, Although our situations may be different, I see a lot of similarities between your situation and mine. A husband that doesn't get it, possibly even adds to the problem (I left mine 5 years ago. My only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner). Sounds like your husband is a better person than mine was though, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with your illness so he avoids it? But to blame you for his non-existant depression is despicable. You need support right now, not criticism. I think counselling would be a good idea and if he's a good man he will be willing to give it a try. After all, if he feels that your illness is affecting him in a negative way then perhaps he would benefit from the counselling too. Good for you for being open and honest with your kids. I've also always been the "strong" one in the family. My kids call me the glue that holds us together. That's a lot of pressure for a person who feels like they can barely keep it together day to day. I've only recently begun to be honest with them about how I'm feeling and they've been very sweet and understanding. I think it has brought us closer together in many ways. I'm struggling with my anger right now too - mostly directed at my ex but it spills over into everything else in my life. It's scary when that anger takes over - but anger is a valid emotion and you have a right to your emotions, even the negative ones. It's how we deal with the emotions that makes the difference. My counsellor suggested having something handy to beat up or break when the anger explodes - like beating cardboard boxes with a golf club or breaking cheap dishes. Sometimes I go to the driving range and imagine that the ball is my ex. I can really drive the ball that way, and I don't even golf! ;p Sounds like you are taking some real steps towards acknowledging your true feelings and expressing who you really are. Fabulous! Be yourself and whoever doesn't appreciate the real you isn't worth your time anyway. Take care

Gabs Thanks for sharing this! What really touched me is how strong you are being - i think that depression makes you feel weak in so many ways - physically and mentally - that the amount of strength that is needed to come out of it is enormous. A friend lent me a book by Tim Cantopher - "Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong" and this is really SO true, I think. People that i have communicated with who have battled with MDD are often viewed as the strongest and bravest amongst their friends, the ones that sort everything out and hold everyone else up. When you have that much weight on your shoulders, it's not surprising that there is also a long way to fall. You should be very proud of your fighting spirit ... the only thing that can come from this is a stronger and better you ... the real you! Who knows what will happen with your marriage - what is important is that you are healthy and can be free to be yourself. I am sending you lots of good luck and strong vibes Galadriel xx

Dear gabs, What an insightful post! Thanks so much for taking the time to share this with us. You made a very important point - "it reminded me that if i work at beating this depression i may just find a glimps of the person i once was." What amazing progress for you! Enjoy this feeling, laughter is wonderful medicine! Continue to keep us posted, Casey _______________________ The DC Support Team

Hi Gang, Well today i remembered what it was like to laugh. To chuckle, that sounds weird I know, but for me it reminded me that if i work at beating this depression i may just find a glimps of the person i once was. I have got into some bad habits for many years within my marriage and i must try and put a stop to some of them. One of these habits is that i am afraid to upset the husband, so instead of laughing at funny things he says and does and maybe taking the mick a little, i just shut up and loose my personality. If he doesnt get the joke or is unable to laugh at himself then that is his problem. I have made it my problem for too long. Today we went on a shopping trip together. Only one shop, one step at a time! He couldnt understand the guy at the changing room. It was amusing to me. I thought at how I would react if i was with a friend and not with him and i would have laughed. So I did and guess what, the world didnt end. A friend who I have been communicating with has been making me laugh. At little things, everyday things. It has been so good for me to know that i still have a sense of humour, mostly dry and sarcastic and not to everyones taste i am sure, but its there. It has been hiding for so long. I let the humour escape at my husbands friends wedding a couple of months ago and quickly put it back into hiding as the husband didnt find it at all funny. Other people did though and were edging me on. I should have been strong enough to trust my own thoughts and not keep trying to fit into the mould that he wants me to be. If thats what it takes to have some normality back into my life, then that is what i will try to be strong enough to do. Wish me luck, after 30 years of being squashed it will take every bit of luck and strength i have. I am also afraid of the outcome. Its a dangerous move. He may not like/love the new me, but i dont think he has liked the old me for so many years. Also he knows my achiles heel and can bring me spiralling down into the black hole very fast. What have i got to loose, my brain is shot already. The only way is up, right? will keep you posted. x

Gabs, Bravo, your children are being well educated about YOUR MDD from the source. It is good. I cannot explode. I implode all my emotions. It is not about lying nor playing games. It was part of my survival so long ago... so now I do not know how to express myself. I turn everthing inward and slowly burn my heart away.

Gabs, Kudos to you on clearing the air with your kids! A good first step! Keep us posted. Danielle - Bilingual Health Educator

Sounds like you spoke to your daughter and son in a clear way and that they will have a more balanced understanding of what is going on with you. Are they clear about the ramifications of MDD within the family? Have they been reading up on it and asking you about your experience? They need to look up the resources on the web and discuss their understanding with you; would they be amenable to that? Glad that there may be a solution forthcoming for your chronic pain through further treatment... so hard to stay "even" in your mind when you're battling constant pain ... it colours everything you do when the pain is at it's worst.