Hi all, Well today I have felt a little calmer which is good, right? Yesterday I was still upset, very tired and felt that my family were just pretending nothing was wrong and tip toeing around me. How I hate that. I questioned my daughter why she had spoke to her brother and her father about the outburst and not me. She said she didnt want to 'set me off' I explained that i needed her to talk to me about things and not talk behind my back. I also told this to my son. I dont mind that they talk about me to each other but how do they know how i feel if they dont talk to me? I explained that I feel i am dealing with this alone and am fed up with playing the 'everythings ok' game when clearly it is not. I also explained that they mustn't say what they think i want to hear but offer honest comments. I can only deal with honesty and facts just now as otherwise i think that all my thoughts are warped. I dont know if they understood, or will be up front with me, thats something i will have to wait and see. At least I feel better that they now know how they can help me. My son was honest enough to say he has been shocked by all of this as I have always been the strong one in the family that they have always turned to for help and advise and now to know i am fragile is hard. I have also had news from my back surgeon which was not good but that is something else i will have to learn to deal with. just consuming vast quantities of chocolate just now just to have something nice in my life! Will then be depressed about how much weight i will put on! Thanks for the support. x

Gabs, Rightfully so, I believe. The people in your life who are suppose to love you unconditionally and support you are acting otherwise. This hurts your feelings. How are you feeling today? Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

I too have problems with "explosions" . The trouble is when you explode people are afraid to talk to you for fear they will set you off. So they avoid you which just makes me madder. That is why I try to pretend there is nothing wrong. I don't want them pussy footing around me.

Gabs, I really really feel for you. I understand how you feel when you say and alien invaded your body and made you explode. Yeah, the exploding might feel good for that second and then comes the regret. The regret that it has created more harm than good - the wedge that drives you and him further apart. The strength of the anger is so intense, it contols you and you can feel the burning heat on your tense shoulders and the headache that drives you mad, nearly insane making things bad to worse. Your husband and children do not know how to handle your depression making it more frustrating for you to see them act this way. I am not good at giving advice, so all I can say is that I understand how you feel and that this must be very difficult time for you. Hang in there. :)

Danielle, I have tried to look at this objectively as you rightly suggest. I really have tried but am just too upset right now. I cant see the wood from the trees. Thank you for your response

A huge thank you for your support. It has been a terrible couple of days. I wish I could post I am feeling better but that is not the case. Last night another awful thing happened. It came quite on unexpectedly. My husband suggested we went out for supper which was nice.I listened carefully about his day, his concerns about his work, blah blah blah, playing the happy wife. we left the restaurant and in the car I asked him if he would listen to what was on my mind and i thought it unfair of him to be blaming me for his imaginary depression. Well things went from bad to worse and when we got home I just exploded. It felt as if an alien had taken over my body. I was very afraid of the strength of emotion I was feeling. I could have quite literally killed us both. Of course i did what i always do when very afraid and shut myself in my room, cried and cried, rang the samaritans. At 4 am and exhausted I gave in to the sleeping pills and slept for 12 hours. My body needed the sleep. My brain needed to shut down and now i feel like I am back to square one. Do I start back on session one of the course? I dont know. Today there has been hush all around. My husband is behaving as if nothing happened. My kids have spoken to each other and their father but not to me. Why cant they see how this hurts so much. Why hasnt any of them looked at the site or even bothered to find out how depression affects people. If It was one of them I would do everything in my power to help. Wildcat you are right to say my husband is big enough to take care of himself, I would love to be able to see that he may love me as you suggest he might. To me actions speak louder than any words and i am seeing no action. The only action seems to be lets pretend nothings happening. What good is that to anybody. Again I am fighting this alone(apart from you guys). I feel like I'm the bad guy because i am ill. I am so afraid of this overpowering, overwhelming anger that is inside of me because they are standing by just watching me loose. I wont loose. I wont give up. but its getting harder and harder to fight. DL and Dumpling I would love to go to couples counselling if I thought it would work but i think it could well be the case of too little to late. I just want to say a big thank you for your kindness. It really helps to know you guys are out there.

Gabs, Try to take a step back and look at this objectively. If this situation was happening to your friend, would you think these feelings were warranted? Why? What would you do help cheer her/him up? Members, Please feel free to share your experiences. Danielle - Bilingual Health Educator

hi gabs, let your husband take care of himself, he is a big boy. He has resources and by going out and seeing other people he will learn to properly express himself! not just scrounge aroung for whatever vocabulary is lying around. You know, between the lines I have the impression you husband does love you. There a million and one things he could have done to make thing even worse but he is still around. He is talking to your children - looking for support in his confusion. Not everyone gets married with the "dummies book of maturity in relationships" memorized ;p. you are completely justified in being angry. He should have learned from his mother proper civility towards others. You are justified in being angry that he has not made the effort to learn what you need in the way of support in this illness. Do not be angry at yourself for investing so much in your marriage. Love provides endless energy. It hurts, like being scalded, when we cannot feel the returning love, support, and understanding. You are in the process of healing your wounds, and part of your depression has been caused by pain from your relationship's deficienties. You need time and distance from the pain. Remember that you are able to be motivated, and you can feel pleasure. Perhaps, part of your depression is caused by some issues of self-esteem and body image so blaming your self and hurting yourself with negative judgements are second-nature (thought-spirials) now. You feel the way you do POINT. It is a spontanious express of you pain. See why the pleasure is important... it reminds you that you have Your life, Your joy, Your passions. You are not only this marriage. You are not only depression. You are noy only the cause of others worry and pain. You are a beautiful person. You can be light. You can be joyful and bring joy to others. You are a complete person with a full range of emotions at your disposion and to use as you need. You are your own person and chose to share your life with others. So, let your husband work through his issues like a big boy. Let him make his mistakes and understand where he went right and where he went wrong... and you take your place as another lesson for him in support and understanding... and he is wrong, punish him as you would any other mistake (if children play near a stove, they will be burned).

Dumpling is right... it's only worth being assertive and insisting that you two go to counselling together if there is still some love and trust there.. where are you on that score, Gabs?

Maybe it is time to go see your girlfriend for a week. He is looking to steal the attention you got from the kids when they said they would support you and he should too. And the proof is that he is NOT depressed and the doctor has said so. So he is not "ill because of you". He is not ill at all. So don't worry about the "assertiveness" course. Just remember that HE is NOT depressed and tried to fake it. That there is a difference between feeling down because your wife is depressed and being depressed. That being said, yes the anger is part of the depression. Tears and anger are so close to each other. So you are in no state to be reasonable or supportive. And, yes someone who is depressed and in pain all the time is hard to live with. But it is not like you are doing it on purpose, is it? And wouldn't you rather live with someone who is in pain and depressed than BE that person? Trouble is, when you are depressed you do (at least I do) tend to put thoughts in people's heads that may not be there. And little things can set you off and push into deeper depression. I know that when my kids criticize me, even slightly, it sends me down towards suicide (all the way without the meds but close even with. But I am afraid to tell them for fear that they will be afraid to say anything to me (the need for reality clarity and truth)