Challenge my negative thoughts?? I cant do that yet.
So much went wrong in those years.
I remember lying on my bed, it was a beautiful March day, full of brilliant sun. My mother was talking to the doctor about me not getting better. I remember my mother saying" We're too far out of the city for you to come out and see him" and so the doctor never came out. As she said that, ,me lying in total misery, I remember thinking, please, please come, but it was not to be. There were times I felt so miserable I wished I could have passed out, instead, the only thing I could do was close my eyes and try and sleep. When I was finally driven to the hospital, it was a drive through hell. Not only was I leaving the house forever, but I felt miserable. I spent over a week in hospital, miserable as heck. When I finally got out, I was so weak I could hardly walk. On top of all that, I had to go to a "new" house. That meant a new school , to finish the 8 weeks of yr7. I tried so hard to change and be positive. I tried so darn hard. Summer came and no friends to play with. Spent my own time on my bike riding around. September came and another school, the boys private school. In that first month I remember thinking that I was so far behind, the new school system was much further ahead than I was. In reality, I think I had "lost" much of the information I had gone over in yr7. Add to that, physically I was changed. I could no longer keep up with the boys on the sports feild. The very first day out, that beautiful September morning, I had run probably no more than 200 metres and I was totally winded with a pain in my side. As I walked gasping for air, the other boys were now way ahead of me. I came in last, winded, tired out and weak. I wondered what the hell happened to me. I had never felt like that before. so much changed, so much happened, I am still trying to understand it all and comprehend it all. I lived through it and yet it seems so impossible. How could anyone let a kid go through what I did and not even take notice that something was not right, and not offer help. Physically, I looked "picture perfect". Having lost 10% of my body weight that spring, and I was a skinny kid to begin with, much of what I lost must have been muscle. Internally I cry, thinking about why all that. I never asked to be sick, I never asked for the misery of what I had to go through. I cried out for help and no one came forward.
There are many times I think "what the hell, why dont I just end things now, I wasn't wanted back then, why not go now?, but I still cling on to the hope that maybe tomorrow I might get an answer" In some ways, what I had was worse than cancer. Cancer you can see, The after effects of encephalitis you can not see. I know that if someone who does have cancer may very well contest what I have just said, but enephalitis can also kill just like cancer. Instead, I what I got was something that very very few people get. It is more rare than cancer. That being said, the majority of people who do get encephalitis these days, recover with no lasting effects, other than fatigue. Why it had to be me, I dont know. I wish it had not.
As you can see from my thoughts, I am bitter, angry, and a lot to sort through. On the positive- at least I now know what I had, and I can now talk about it instead of being told that "nothing happened, you're ok".
? Rather than describe being lazy and not getting any work done try it with a slight change in words ... ? It is a small thought challenge. A small exercise in the here and now. 
