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My feelings today

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I spent 10 days in that hospital last summer after a suicide attempt. and yes that hospital its even older than the 1950's!try like the early 1900's! well sort of, small rooms, poor airconditioning/heat.

I'm scared.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Cammy,

if the doctor is giving you the opportunity to retreat from the daily stresses and really work out who you are! What has happened? Where are you going now?

Why not accept?

Ask the doctor what are the conditions of the hospital you are going to? Can you have a time frame? If you are scare and lonely ask to leave? These are not the 1950's and the doc is not going to put you in a strait-jacket for radical ECT therapy.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Just came back from doc. He said he could admit me to hospital, but I said it would drive me crazy! Im going crazy anyhow! I just dont know what the answer is anymore.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

cammy,

Feeling those emotions of being scared or afraid of what is ahead of us can feel very overwhelming.

You mentioned that it can be difficult to understand the world that you live in. This can be a very daunting task to understand. However, it can always help to begin to think about how you can help yourself understand. Is there anyone else that could help you through this process? Are there any other exercises you can do to help in your understanding?

Members, do you have any other advice for cammy on how to manage?

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

There were some good times, times outside of school stress. Over the years, there is this 12 almost 13 yr old boy inside of me that is still very much afraid, scared, and does not know what to do, where to turn to for help, and lacks an understanding of the world in which he lives.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

cammy,

You have a raised a number of important questions within your post. As you know, these questions can be incredibly difficult to answer and cannot merely be answered in one sitting. However, these are also questions that can help you reflect on who you are as a person.

wildcat has also provided you with some great advice! Can you think of times in your life that brought you warmth and comfort? What did these moments consist of?

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. As always, we are here for you!

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I really had and still have loving parents, please dont get me wrong there. I left my home town in the '80s, - only time I ever saw my mother cry. I knew I would not be coming back. I'm now 5000 kms away from where I grew up. While my parents provided me with nice toys and things, they never hugged me, or gave me that "pat on the back". When it came to school, there was no help, help was refused to me, yet my sister and younger brother got help. The fatigue I had after the illness was intense, and something that drove my parents NUTS. I was always tired after school and if I was not in bed by 9 pm at the latest, disaster the next day. yet, no one not even doctors ever questioned me about the fatigue, I thought it was 'normal"

Met my wife in new place, love at first sight!, yes it was. yet it would be another 3 years before we married, been 20 years now. Yes, something to be proud of, yet this past year, I just do not feel the love for her or my 2 boys. In some ways, I wish none of them were in my life right now, not meant to be disrespectful or mean spirited, I can not return the love to them. ,,,, however, if it were not for my wife, and boys, I would possibly not be alive right now either, depends,,, perhaps without them lifes events would be different, but yet by now, if I had not married, I would be lonely.

What I have found out over this past year terrifies me. All those years back when I was sick, I always suspected that it was not the flu the doc told us it was. Too many strange things were happening. Seizures in the hospital, dizzy, having to hang of for "dear life" to prevent from falling over and one time I almost did, - thank God the nurse was literally standing beside me! When I entered the boys private school, I had vowed to do my very best. Mentally I was putting in 110%, yet what came out was more like 40 - 55%. I was devastated, did not understand what was happening and my father refused to step in and help. The next year same school depression hit me like a ton of bricks, yet I did not know what it was.

It is these problems and unanswered questions that still haunt me today. "Who am I?" ......

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Thanks cammy for the space.

you do not post much about your relationships. Only the negative events that occur with the people you live with.

But these people are the family you chose. these are the important people you still have links to. You must have had some feelings at some point ... and ... a whole bunch of life that that child would never have dreamed of!

Is there some positive there ... love for your wife? affection for your children? memories of meeting your girlfriend? the arrival of babies in your life? warmth and comfort from these past events that are solely yours? and in here is the answer to the questions of life! maybe one day you will be a better grandfather! or you will be a much needed old-friend.

I can see that the illness left a lot of confusion, but since then you have done a lot of living.

would you mind tell us a lot about the past 20 years?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

so wife and I had a chat last night in the car. told her a 'bit' about my feelings. Told her I'm scared. For all these years having to keep such horrid feelings to myself and not understanding where they even came from. I'm scared; when after I came home from the hospital feeling somewhat "different", not knowing why, or how, just different. What happened to the old me? Who is this new person? What am "I" supposed to do now? How do I do what I'm supposed to do? Although not all these questions went through my mind, some did. The very moment I realized I really did get "zapped" I thought to myself, "ok, so I guess I just got "zapped". At first I never paid much attention to it, but I had "nagging" feelings. I could not understand my feelings, no there were not huge changes, but subtle, just enough to make me question things. That summer I sat alone in my room at times looking down at my toys, or out the window, feeling "down". It wasn't easy as I had no one to play with, but there was still lots to do, heck, ride my bike to the beach and go swimming. But I didnt have a lot of strength or energy that summer either. I lost over 15% of my body weight and I had little stamina.

While all that happened so many years ago, I have the same questions, - Who is this new person? What am I supposed to do? How do I do what I'm supposed to do? There are times I am very confused about who I am.

Could this have been prevented? And if one wants to get spiritual about it, Why was I not allowed to die? What good can I still do? How is this "new me" supposed to help others? especially when I cant even help myself!

A lot of questions, no answers!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

quite ok wildcat!!

I do find it "interesting" to read about others and their problems. I do know I am not "alone" but it feels as if I am the ONLY person feeling so DARN miserable.

That part terrifies me. I am only now just beginning to understand why I started feeling this way 8 months after being so sick. Depression actually started about 4 months after, but being only 13 I did not recognize it as such. For one thing, I was in the midst of puberty and had enough other problems to contend with, many times I did not even understand what was happening to me. My father even though a high school teacher was not very helpful when it came to info.

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My feelings today