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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Sunny, Thanks its great to hear those things you wrote! When you said I can help myself that was such a positive, believe it or not there was a time when I could help myself so much and everyone else around me, how I long for those days back.

I do the relaxation and it helps, I also try to visualize too, I go back in my past and think of good times and I try to visualize myself NOW as strong healthy and well, I try to stop the morbid death thoughts, sometimes that works. I have not taken my blood pressure in close too a month now! Which is good, I was taking it like five times a day and that is not good, I would take it while I was panicking and of course it was sky-high, now I try not too think about it, taking my temp, my pressure etc.....its almost liberating NOT too that anymore, it was scaring me so Sunny. I am so glad the panic attacks have gotten under control now I have to lose the worry and fear, I have to not be scared to leave my house so much, I know there is a banquet Sat night and I so want to go, but I am afraid I will make a fool out of my husband or son if I have to bolt out! I am going to try to go to a baseball game Friday, to "test the waters" around a lot of people, I am glad I can grocery shop or go to the drug store and walk, but I must venture out further I know, I am better but I want to be even more better, and not just think "its as good as it gets". Leaving the fear and terror behind me is my goal now and I am working and praying for it. Thanks for writing me Sunny!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi D: Actually someone can help you - guess who? You.

All kidding aside, I used to have those thoughts of death too especially fear of a heart attack or a stroke because of my high bp. Well, sure I still get a little scared when bp soars but now instead of going into panic mode which makes it worse, I help myself by doing those relaxation ex. and the mantra for me - I am well, I am calm, I am at peace, it is so good to be alive.

Then I think of all the beautiful positive blessings in my life and smile to myself and thank God for them.

Another ex. which works well is visualization and I like to design things in my mind, write poetry, and I'm still writing a story - it'll probably never be finished because I visualize it like a movie and have all the scenes just right, down to the lighting and even what they are wearing! Lots of fun and it takes my mind off whatever I am stressing out about.

I still change those negatives to positive thoughts, I guess it comes more easily with all the practice I've had.

Keep the faith - that's another thing, have faith in yourself, have faith in God and let Him do His work.

Still cheering for you,

Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you Carmie, Tanya and Davit for you're replies, they meant so much too me. And how true they are. I am feeling very tired and bad today so I needed the pep talks and advice, I read too much and my eyes hurt and stress headache bad today.

I think I fear death and sickness so much is because I know noone can help me! My son is special-needs and my husband is unhealthy so I worry so about it happening, I try so hard not too, I ask God every night too fill me with his peace serenity and calmness, my Aunt said if I could just STOP worrying and being fearful I would feels so liberated, and I know that is true.

I try not to beat my self up about the past, its over done and gone, I just do not want to waste the future worrying, I really thought when the panic's and crying decreased I would feel better, but I do not, I still am SO tired everyday and feel old and depressed, and I do not want too feel like that, not everyday at least, I mean I want to have some joy and happiness, I do not even care about money or material goods anymore, all I want is peace calmness and health, is that possible I hope??

I have learned some from this disorder Tanya, I am closer to God and less judgemental and a nicer person because of the disorder, so at least that is one positive thing that has come from this, and I know what you mean Davit about life throwing more crap at you as you get older, I thought as I got older I would gain wisdom and be calmer but it seems the opposite is true, I am MORE fearful, and that is not good, I wish I could just reach in my head and grab the negative thoughts and throw them in the trash can! As I said I am a little better, but not where I "should" be, or that is what everyone keeps telling me.

Sunny wrote me something a week ago that helped, she said her Dad use to say "a man can do more than he thinks when he has too" or something too that effect, I am trying to achieve that. Right now I have to stop worrying and being fearful about the future and think positive! easier said than done I know, how I want to be strong and independent once again, because when you are worrying about the future you are missing precious present moments I know! The members and moderators of this site have been wonderful too me, Thank You!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 25

Dear Debora,

We can not control the past, nor can we go back and change it. Feeling like the past year was wasted is natural, but is it true? What have you learned and done in this past year that was not a waste? I'm sure if you think about it, there are a lot of positive things :) Your relatives are not you, and just because some of them may have passed away at a young age does not mean that you are going to. Actually, it is life's missions such as taking care of your child that is proven to make you live longer :) That is truth and you can definately take that and talk back to your demons and they won't be able to fight you on it.

Time is our greatest resource, and the most valuable one that we have. When we are using our time, it is never wasted as we are always learning something new. It sounds like perhaps making a physical list of positive things that came from the bad things in your life may be a great reflection activity for you. I have done that many times and was utterly shocked at what I found. I realized that all of the difficulties in my life were allowed there for me to over come and become a stronger person. Maybe this is your moment to shine; maybe this is your chance to take some things that seem so negative and turn them in to something beautiful :) I may not be the first, but I want to share with you that you really are going to be ok, and if you work at it, you will be more than ok, you will be great!

Keep on truckn!

-Tanya

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

In a world based on negativity because it is attention grabbing how can you not be negative. It takes practice and even at that some times negative things need to be expressed. Keep in mind that there are people that like to b.......ch but don't want you to. I find this frustrating because if you don't respond then you are ignoring them. If you do they don't want to hear it.

I still believe starting the day off positive and trying to keep it that way is the best way to keep stress at bay.

As you get older life throws more crap at you. Focusing on it only makes it worse. It is going to happen anyway so why make a big deal about it. There is still a lot you can enjoy if you look for it.

Death used to be a more accepted thing when we lived in smaller communities and it was more in our lives. Now there is hardly any ceremony. No wake. If you die in hospital you can be sent to be cremated without any one even having to stop what they are doing, work, holiday. It can wait. We will take care of it when we can. I remember having my dads ashes shipped across province to be buried with his parents. I cried when I dropped him in the hole that was augured in his parents plot but also thought, is this all there is. Life goes on but some how without the ceremony there doesn't seem to be closure. My friend died here and his kids spread his ashes from a mountain top but some how there seems something missing.

For me death is not the enemy, It will remove my pain all right and I think I can accept it when it comes but right now there is so much to live for. I don't want to think about it even though some times I do.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Tanya, I want to let you know that I am saving your post to Debora because it is inspiring to me as well. It is just the sort of thing that I would like to recal when I am having a difficult time.

Debora, I continue to wish you well and thank you for being so honest and open with your feelings. I can always relate and the advice that is provided to you is so helpful. I wish you a beautiful day!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

One thing I forgot motorgurl, sorry, I have been emotionally too dependent on people since this panic came back, I was, for the most part a very independent person, and I hate being needy, clingly and emotionally draining on people, I mean people can only take so much, my friend has parkinson's so she is fighting her own battles too, you were so correct on that point, Thank you.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank you motorgurl for writing me. What you said made tremendous sense. I DO worry about dying because of my special-needs son, not being around to take care of him, my husband has numerous health issues also, heart, gout, blood pressure, diabities etc..... and its SO hard not to worry, my parents are deceased and his Mom is 89 and we have no close family or many friends and it scares me so, I try not too think about or dwell on it, but it always creeps back into my mind!

I am fifty and I feel my life is getting shorter, I always had this inside me throughout my twenties and thirties but it did not hit hard till I hit forty {due to a trauma} then came back at 45 yrs old now at fifty! Its like a five year thing or something? and each time it takes SO long to get better, I have been struggling now for a year, I feel a whole year has been wasted worrying and panicking and fearful, what a waste of time and I get mad at myself for letting it take over my mind body and whole being.

My Mom died at 55 and I think in the back of my mind I am afraid I will die younger too I think that feeds the fear.

Thank you for saying my job is not done here on earth and the things you said concerning death, that helped me, I appreciate it. I want to enjoy life not just endure it, I am a little better but I know I have a long way too go, hopefully with time, this program and lots of prayer it will happen for me, its no fun living scared sick and fearful all the time, and I dont want too.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 25

Dear Debora,

I think we can all relate to what you have shared in your post, and I thank you for sharing. As far as the negative thoughts, everyone has them. Anyone that claims they don't is either lying or just not remembering. I think about my own death all of the time and I am only 27yrs old. This thought process started when I was about 11yrs old. It is good to think of other people, but you do need to realize that your job here on earth is not done yet or you would not be here to be anxious about it. We have no control over our own death, but what we can control is what we do while we are still here. Every person born will face death, and that means that though it may feel like it at times, even in death, we are not alone!

Panic disorder gives us a hieghtened sense of "fight or flight", and so when you are getting anxious with thoughts about death, take comfort that you are alive enough to feel anxious and know that when you are feeling anxious, you are about as far from death as you could be because your body is "fighting or flighting" a perceived threat. As far as your friend goes, sometimes our "safe" people can feel like we lean on them alittle too much. Do with this advice what you will; in my personal experience, I have leaned on people alittle to much emotionally and I found that when I take my anxiety that I want to keep drilling them with verbally and instead focus it more on giving to that person instead of taking energy from them, I have a more even relationship, and the friendship is healthier.

I used to get told by my close friends that I was too negative and somewhat exhausting to listen to when I was sharing my feelings about things I was upset about. It hurt very badly when people would tell me that, and I have lost friendships over it which hurt even worse. Maybe this friend is temporarily not emotionally stong enough to be a good listener and encourager for you, and that is ok. We are all human, we make mistakes and we can only handle so much. I know if the appliance issue had happened to me, I would be very upset about it as well and I would probably pass it off on my husband to take care of knowing that I would be too upset and he is a capable person that can handle the issue on his own lol.

I hope that my response encourages you and helps you in your journey. Remember; if you are alive enough to feel anxious, rejoice in the fact that you are very much alive and the anxiety proves it. Life is always changing, and soon you will find yourself in a new chapter with new victories and new challenges. Just like good things, bad things do not last forever, and you know are on the verge of success when things seem to be at their worst!

God bless,

Tanya

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Sunny,

Thank you, I wished I had looked earlier when you were online. I am glad the dryer situation is taken care of but unfortunately the "fun" around my home never ends! My son defied my husband and I and went to a game tonight after we told him NO, its a school night and he has trouble getting up, he just went anyway and my husband is furious! He has been yelling and ranting all night about it, I am trying to keep the peace but its hard, I am so fragile still right now I get so anxious at any conflict.

My question is Sunny, or anyone who is reading, HOW do you stay calm relaxed and focused when you're life is SO stressful and hyper? I so much want to achieve calmness, serenity, and peace, I pray for that on my knees everynight, but its so hard when you're homelife is stressful, I am fighting so much right now, depression, anxiety, health anxiety, worry, fear etc.......I feel like I cannot take anything else right now, does that make sense? I am so grateful for almost a month of no panic attacks, thank you God and this program!, but I am afraid any "little" thing might push me back, I am not strong or brave enough yet to handle any conflict, I cannot even go to a routine Dr's appt yet, for fear something will be wrong and I will collaspe! Any tips on coping would be appreciated, I will keep doing the relaxation exercises Sunny, they help somewhat, Thank you.

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