SP,

Sounds like there's a lot of worry in your life

As for me, going towards working full time is hard. I am afraid. Afraid of the work load, afraid of not being able to cope, afraid my daughter will miss me or need me but I am at work, I am afraid of being judged or fired too.

I am so fearful. Today I have to pick up my new glasses and I am afraid. Afraid they will be scratched like the last time. I ordered glasses, took them home only find loads of scratches all over them. I am afraid that if that happens again they won't give me my money back. That happened to me before. I bought new glasses, paid cash for them and they couldn't adjust them to fit me. So I took home glasses that don't fit and they wouldn't give me my money back.

I am afraid of being hurt I guess.

My daughter ended up calling later and wished me a Happy Mother's Day.  She came over Mother's Day evening and she is spending the week here, before going back to Virginia.  She's getting an apartment in Washington D.C. and later getting an apartment in New York City.  We're moving to Northern Maryland.  My daughter said she would visit us there for at least a couple of holidays every year.  My parents are moving back to Northern Maryland within 2 years, so it will be good to have friends and family around.  I realized I depend too much on other people to meet my needs which makes me needy.  Now, I'm depending on myself to meet my needs.  

Independent Shari

To all the mothers reading, Happy Mother's Day! 

 

Shari, how wonderful that you treated yourself today, you certainly deserve it!  Your post was very inspiring to read.  You've had many insightful reflections.  Come back to this post if you ever feel blue to remind yourself of the strength and determination you carry with you.

Sunflower painter, you are absolutely worth it!!  I recommend treating yourself to a pedicure - this week.

It's so nice to hear you are doing what you love. Transitioning to full-time work is a great idea.  What steps do you need to take to make it happen?

I am still working on accepting that I am worth it. We are worth it. At the end of the day we only have ourselves to live with so we might as well make ourselves happy. I suppose for me I have come to realize that I am the only one who can make me truly happy :)

Working as a teachers aide is a great idea. I have worked as one in the past and it was great. I now work with in a child daycare and am looking to work full time which is a huge step for me. I want to be able to take care of myself so I think working full time would allow me to build confidence and be a good example to my daughter.

You have an exciting future ahead with so many possibilities. Keep at it! :)

Take care

Sunflower

Feel free to ask away :)

It's Mother's Day.  My husband and daughter put themselves first, so I've decided to put myself first.  My spouse is doing the best he can at his level of growth.  However, I don't see myself being able to stay in a marriage where my basic needs of being nurtured and loved aren't being met.  My daughter hasn't called, emailed, visited, or sent a Mother's Day card.  I'm not giving my power or control to other people.  Only I am, ultimately, responsible for my happiness.  I went out to get my favorite iced coffee drink.  Then I went to the store to get some flowers and a card for myself.  I forgot to mention the shirt I picked out to wear today.  It appropriately says, "So What."  I found a cute stuffed animal of a Snowy Owl and I liked that better than flowers.  And, I found a card that has a large button attached to it and it says, "Me! Me! Me! It's All About Meeeee!!!"  It's supposed to be a child's card who is giving it to the Mom.  But, I signed it, "You're important to me!  Love, Shari" :)  As you can see, I changed my icon from my picture to my Mother's Day gifts to myself.  I want to share them with other Mother's on this site as a gift and reminder to them that I care and love them too.  I realize there must be "pay offs" that I'm getting out of this marriage, for allowing myself to stay here.  If I stay here, I don't have to face the fear of being alone.  I don't have to work.  I get comfort being able to stay home with my pets (who give me unconditional love) and I can do my art work.  I get to hold onto the image that I am good and lovable , because someone married me.  Although, having said it, I just realized I AM good and lovable regardless of marital status.  I realize I've put my care into other people's hands and they are not doing a good job.  I had to figure out what I needed to do, that I'm not doing, that I expect my husband to do for me.  I wanted to move to my home town, so since he wasn't doing anything about it, I took care of it (and me) by calling the Realtor and getting the ball rolling.  I'm going to see it through until the outcome.  If it works, great!  If it doesn't work, I can handle it!  And, I'll try something else until something does work.  When I see the outcome, I'll go onto the next phase.  I thought about being a Teacher's Aid or a Substitute Teacher at my old High School and Middle School.  That's as far as I can plan right now.  My moving plan is in action and I want to see it through before I make more plans.  Well, that is where I am now.  I'm proud of myself.  Believe me it's not easy, but I'm doing it anyway, because I'm worth it.  I feel good, which out weighs the uncomfortable feelings.  Oh, when I got home, I gave my husband the credit card receipt.  And, I said, "Here's your receipt.  Thanks for buying me my Mother's Day Owl and my card!"  Then I made us coffee and we had blueberry pastries for breakfast.  And, regarding the update on the move...The Realtor had a list of questions that my spouse has the information to answer.  In the past, I would have asked, submissively, "Would you please answer these questions at your convenience?"  Today I said, "Here are the questions that the Realtor needs to be answered.  I'll pick them up from your desk before dinner."  :)  He didn't react negatively, he just said, "Okay."  He actually brought the answers on paper down to my desk before lunch.  I believe people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  When I was an apologetic doormat, that's how I was treated.  Now, all I want and deserve is respect (which means I have to respect myself as well), and now I'm being treated respectfully.  It's shocking how quickly things shift for the better, when you stand up for yourself.

Thanks Sunflower, as you can tell, I read the book you suggested :)  Thanks a million!

Shari  

 

I'm resisting to ask a few more questions to get you thinking about the future and moving forward and so forth. But I think for now it's a good idea for you to stay in these thoughts. No point in rushing to the next thought when this thought is so nice!

 

Enjoy! Well deserved.

 

 

I felt like a prisoner who had been trapped in a cell for so long that I forgot how to enjoy life; I just endured it.  I was merely existing, not participating and felt hopeless, alone and isolated. Now, life is hopeful. That anything and everything is possible.  I feel like the weight of the whole entire world is off of my shoulders.  I feel like I can breathe easily and I stand tall instead of slouched over and defeated.  It's a feeling of clarity.  I feel free!

Shari 

Very powerful to read. I love how you are so caring, considerate and reasonable but can (now can) bring out the strength and determination when nessesary. Inspirational! I know there are many house wives who come to the Panic Center who may at times feel just like you did - this thread will inspire them.

 

I just jumped to the top of the thread and read how different you sounded when you started it two days ago . You said life seems like such a struggle. What does life seem like now?

 

I think I like "my thought train derailed" better anyways! lol TGIF

 

 

 

I went to bed at 8:30 p.m. which I probably haven't done since I was six years old :)  I woke up at 5 a.m. and the first thing that came to my mind was your question and I knew what you meant.  In my last post I said, "My thought train derailed..." and I meant to say, "My train of thought derailed..."  So, I know I was over tired, but after 9 hours of sleep, I feel great.

The thing I remember the most about the moment was shaking and sobbing and hurling an insult at my spouse.  I said, "If you don't like it, you can leave!"  Which was funny, when I look back at it, because the house is in his name only.  At the time, I thought the world may end, or my husband would throw me out on the street, or I would surely feint dead away or die of a heart attack.  But, I learned a valuable lesson by going through that level of fear.  None of those things happened!   I'm alive and well and my husband is actually treating me better as a result.  What I've also learned is that I don't have to let it get to that level.  I will always remember it, because it was epic, and quite shocking to both of us.  I think telling what I want, instead of asking for what I want, is one solution.  And, also just talking (not shouting) and addressing the issue at the moment, not bottling it up inside and exploding later (I let 13 years of frustration loose on that man).  I am also worthy.  I'm not better than anyone else, nor is anyone else better than me.  I am not wrong for who I am, I am different from my spouse.  I've always hated conflict and avoided it like the plague; it makes me extremely uncomfortable.  But, I found it is worse, to go along with things just to get along.  I have the right to be treated well as a human being, just like everyone else on the earth.  Getting all nervous and stressed about confrontation is unnecessary.  I feel that the more that I put my new learned skills into practice, over time the nerves will calm down and stop.  Just like panic has stopped for me.  I still have anxiety sometimes, but it never kicks over into panic anymore.  All of these things are learned behavior and if you can learn them, you can unlearn them and retrain your brain.  I know I can do it, because I did it successfully before to overcome panic attacks.  I think I've answered you question about how I will specifically remember this moment.  And, I think I've answered your previous question about how can I remember this strength and positivity if I ever feel like a victim again. ''

Thanks Ashley!  Shari