You will find this mostly in older people. They will be working on something but not really paying attention to the conversation so they mimic. They throw in comments that reflect the conversation but with out thought so they can concentrate on what they are doing. The conversation is just filler. If you wait a couple of minutes and say what did you mean, they say I didn't mean that or I didn't say that because they don't remember, they were just filling space. You on the other hand were concentrating on it to the detriment of your project. It is a learned skill I hope you never learn. This is another one of those things we keep running across that are close but not the same. This is not multitasking which is positive and you want to be able to do if possible because it is positive. It is negative because it does nothing but pass on stress to some one else. (second hand anxiety) To dispel it throw in some neutral comment like uh hun or yes to clear it out of your mind and ignore it. If you get caught be assertive and admit you were not paying attention.

Here for you

Your friend

Davit.

Davit,

 

Thank you for responding to my problem with such understanding and compassion.  I really didn't want to talk about it here and dump it on everyone. It had gotton to a point where I needed to say something and see you all thought about it.  That being said I am glad I was able to talk about the situation to you all here.  I guess I am being passive agressive about this class situation and yes I am very sensitive. It is kind of like the problems I have with counter transference and the VC I have.

There is some much pain and suffering in the world and when exposed to it, I feel it all and make myself sick with it.  This is one of the reason I am agrophobic.  Its kind of a survival thing, self peservation.  What did you mean when you said people mimmic when there minds are elsewhere?

 

I like you idea of countering the negative with positive. This is something I started out doing in class and it worked in the beginning.  It is just that the situation is starting to wear me down now and I am getting a little depressed.  I have been able to get most of the cutting for my next done here at home so when I walk into class I will just have to focus on learning how to sew borders around all my blocks and then start putting my quilt together.  Once I get the techique down I can leave class early I hope and finish my sewing at home.

 

Today I have 12 blocks to construct and put together.  Its called a monkey wrench block. Its done in blue, brown and has a square in yellow with bird houses on it.  I do love my birds outside. They saved my saniety and kept me company on many occassions.  This should be a good distraction for me and give my mind a chance to relax.

 

I want to Thank you and Sunny and Jason again for listening and for letting me talk about this here.

 

 

Your Friend,

Red

 

Sunny,

 

Thank you for responding and for your compassion.  Thank you for the tip on  going to the ladies room.  I will keep going to the class no matter what gets thrown my way.  I am sure there must be a reason I am going threw this. I am being tested thats for sure. 

 

Red

I am so sorry to hear what this woman is putting you through. I know why she is doing it too. She is to be pitied but not put up with. You paid for this class. I know you, you are too sensitive, just the type of person she likes to dump on so she can drop her anxiety. She has to do this subconsciously or explode. The chances of shutting her up are slim.

This is second hand anxiety and you are dealing well with it considering how corrosive it is. And I'm glad you posted and shared. There is really only one way to deal with this other than removing the irritant, which you can't. And that is second hand positivity. Pass on a happy feeling or comment every time you can. Don't get dragged into the negative conversation. When she is looking for confirmation, just say Gee that's too bad and change the conversation to something happy. People mimmic when there minds are elsewhere and get dragged into negative conversations. Problem is she is not there for the learning experience, she is there for her anxiety.

You have friends here, so come here each day and let it out no matter how long the post or negative. You are our "Red" and you are special. Do not hold it in. it will build up.

This is called passive/aggressive. and needs to be replaced with assertive right at the beginning. Not mad or aggressive but not taking any bull either. It is hard to do with out drifting into mad but I think you can do it. I used to be very P/A. Now look at me.

I like sunny's Ideas. Your instructor is busy and may not notice what is happening around her.

You have an excellent opportunity to develop coping skills here and pass them on to us. You are not alone we are with you.

Your friend

Davit

Hi Red:  Wow, that young woman has been through lots.  It's going to take awhile before she's comfortable with herself and the world again. Don't know how much travelling this person did before, but most people are sometimes unaware of the great differences between cultures.  Kind of get culture shock when you witness this, add the horrors of war and that's pretty toxic. 

Another idea:  since there is no music there, could you bring an ipod for yourself?  And the old trick I use.  When things get too noisy or I need a break, I go to the ladies room and do the breathing, positive self talk, sip some water.  Good luck, Red, you've worked hard to get where you are, you can do this too.  Hang in there.  Cheering for you,

 

Sunny

Hi Sunny,

 

Thank you for the in put on this situation I am in.  I like the idea of the instructor trying to keep the talking to minimum. she does not encourage it. She is really a very good instructor.  I am a afraid to say anything.  The talker and her daughter are taking the class together.  They are both Very aggressive, out spoken and opinionated.  If I say anything it could get ugly.  The daughter was a pilot in the war in Iraq and spend at least 10 minutes at the end of class one night trying to convince me that if you live to be 30 you have lived long enough.  I told her I had just begun living and enjoying my life and had a lot of living to do still.  She held her ground and said that she had seen 2 yr olds and friends die in the war and no one needed to live past 30.  When I heard this I told her she had a lot of living to do still and he whole life ahead of her. I told her welcome back and welcome home from the war as she was getting in her car that night. She said thank you and smiled with tears in her eyes.  I think she is very fragile and has ptsd from the war.  So it would be better if I didn't say anything to the instructor about her mom. This girl seems to be trying to hold on, by taking this class.  I just wish her mother would stop the constant talking and let us all relax and enjoy the class.  The daughter the veteran seems to be trying very hard to enjoy her life and the class and so is everyone else.  She did seem a little down at the class last week....  So I can't say anything right now.... I think we are all doing the best we can right now.   Each one of us has been through a lot.

 

Your friend, Red

HI Red:  I got an idea.  How would you feel about a confidential meeting with your instructor?  You wouldn't have to tell her all your personal history.  The meeting would only be to ask her if she could speak to the "talker" one-on-one about how the continuous talking breaks the concentration needed to sew, cut, etc.   Or, you could ask if the instructor could make a general comment to the whole class about how she would prefer to keep talking to a minimum so that people could concentrate on their quilt and be able to hear the teacher (?).   Just an idea.  I wouldn't be shy about this, afterall the teacher is hired to teach and help you learn in her class.

 

Your friend, Sunny

Jason,

 

Thank you for the response and in put.  There are only 4 of us in class plus one instructor.  The class is held at night from 6 to 8 pm.  You are right it is just one person who does this.  Our instructor told is about a quilt she is making for her father who has terminal cancer and this seems to have opened up the gate to this one person in class to always brings up problems.  One lady who sits by me had to leave early and she started to ask her all kinds of personal questions about why she was leaving early, why she has to get up at 330 am for work and where she goes.  Anyway to make a long story short the lady that sits by me had a very long sad story which I will not go into here.  Anyway this is how it starts, with lots of personal questions from this one person and never about sewing. She never stops talking for the two hours that we are in class.  This is very small class room in a quilt shop so there is really no way to get away from it.  They do not have music in class or the shop at all.  I did pay $100 for this class there are a total of 9 two hr classes it lasts for 9 wks. This is a beginning class so it is important that I get the fundamentals down now so I can continue to quilt.  I am enjoying the class and I am learning a lot.  The instructor told me and the woman that sits next to me about another class that is coming up that we might like to take after this one is over.  This will just be a one time only 2 hrs class that you can repeat if you need help with a project, which really works out great for me.  They also have what they call sit & sew three times a week its kind of a social sewing circle and some other classes I am interested in.  The lady that does all the talking in class said she saw no reason to make another quilt and is not interested in another class. Which is good for me.  So I shouldn't have her in my next class. I will just have to do the best I can and try to ignore her for the time being.  I am really looking forward to taking some more classes after this one is over.   Anyway Jason thanks for listening and letting me talk this one out here.  I am feeling much better about the situation now that I have been able to talk about it.

 

Red

Hi Red,

 

No worries....this is a good place to post your current challenges.

 

Sounds like some people in the class are making the class more challenging than it needs to be.  Am I right to assume that it is only a couple of individuals and not all people in the class?  if so, is is possible to sit near other, more focused people? 

 

Is it possible to have music in the background during your class? This may allow you to focus on something else to while you work.

 

Members, do you have any other recommendations for Red?

 

 Please share.

 

 

I am not sure where to post this so I will post it here.  I have been a little under the weather lately.  Stress is a trigger for me and unfortunately my ulcerative colitis is acting up again and so is my arthritis. They seem to go together.  I finally broke down and started taking my medication for it again. One of the side effects is flu like symptoms and pain.  Of course if you don't take the meds for it you will have pain.  Anyway I have had to deal with a lot of pain lately.  This does make it hard to do what I want to do.  I do not want to fall behind with my quilting class home work because of my pain.  I am trying to rest today and hopefully I can catch up tomorrow for my class on Wednesday.  There is a lot of fabric cutting I have to do bending over a table which is hard on my back and causing me a lot of pain.  I have had to take a lot of rests threw out the day while working on this project.  It is hard for me in class because of my back situation. I spent all day yesterday cutting out fabric here at home instead of in class. This way I can take rests periods through out the day.  I have arthritis in my spine and had back surgery years ago.  Bending at the waist is always painful for me.  There is one other thing I am having a little trouble with and that is all of the distractions in class.  I thought when I took this class we would be talking about our sewing.  We spend most of the time in class talking about personal problems. This makes it hard for me to stay focused and get my work done in class.  I never realized how many problems people have. I am not trying to be insensitive but when I am in pain it just gets to me. This is a 2 hr. class and there is a lot that we need to learn and get done in class or we will fall behind and will not be able to complete our homework at home. Anyway my class is not turning out to be as relaxing as I thought it be.  Between my health problems and everyones else's personal problems I am having a hard time of it.  I do like learning a new skill and going to class.  I am just having a hard time not feeling the pain both physically and emotionally. When I get upset I think I internalize it and then I get sick.  I could be wrong but I don't think so. So I am letting myself rest, for the rest of the day and doing a little self care.  I do not know why I have such a hard time with the self care but I do.  Its something I need to do before it gets to this point.  I really have to learn to let myself rest thats for sure.  Self care, Self care, Self care.

 

 

I know this is not a positive post.  You did say to post even if it is not a positive post.  

 

Red