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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

It's difficult to know why I sometimes make it harder on myself by thinking about bad things that could happen like panic attacks and all the symptoms that I have mentioned in previous posts.

The bottom line with what I experience when I get scared is fear of losing control. I also know that symptoms that go along with being afraid are depersonalization, dissociation, and unreality which is similar to dissociation. I also have read where these symptoms can be our bodies attampt at protecting us from the fears whether they be real or brought on by stress.

I've got a lot to talk about with my therapist in 2 weeks.

I got through today. I started out by making our morning shake with whey, blueberries, greens, bee pollen, peanut butter and rice milk. This gives us a great breakfast and along with our vitamins, a very sound diet.

I waited about a half an hour today before I took diazepam. I took a 5 mg one. it really helped take the edge off even though I bet I could have taken the edge off myself. I then took another half at about 1 pm, but not because I had an attack, but because I wanted to ween off for the day.

Work went well, and Davit, I do enjoy my job, but I have to stop my OCD thinking. Being alone, rushing and having OCD can lead me to negative thoughts. I have to learn again how to let the positive thoughts take over.

I normally get relaxed toward the end of the work day and that happened again today. I came home and then my wife and I fed our box turtle and let her walk around in the rose garden. Then we brought her out front where many roley poleys were in the dirt and watched her eat. I know it sounds gross, but she is such a cute turtle.

I know I have to stop worrying about what was and what did always happen, and I feel reuniting with my therapist will help a lot. It's been more than 3 years since I had a session.

The main thing I am having a hard time with is stability. I want to be back to where I am not scared of everything again. I had a time of about 2 years where my depression never got really bad for an extended period of time. This is why this time is so hard because I had it mostly under control.

But it's time for me to get on the bike and then weights.

Thanks for all the support and please comment more on any things I mentioned,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

David.

I am not sure if this is harder for you because of OCD, but you have to work on letting the past be the past. It is Ok to learn from it but it is the past and since you can't change it you have to forget it. Thinking about it is negative and will reinforce the anxiety. You need to think "this week I will do better" without adding in the better than what. Just a positive "I will do better, I can do better". Neither the past or the future count. One day at a time, one step at a time on the road to recovery. I never asked but do you enjoy your job. It sounds fairly independent and something I could probably have done and enjoyed. Use me as a sounding board. When you get tense try to think of something good that is happening that will make me or some one else want to do your job too. It is not only positive but a good form of distraction. Good luck with this week. I am looking forward to hearing how you do.

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi David,

It is good to hear that you are keeping track of fluctuations in your mood and reflecting on this. Be sure to make use of the program, the sessions are very informative and there are also the session tools which are great too! You are always more than welcome to "vent" here and express yourself here, we are always listening and here to provide feedback.

What will you do to return to that great feeling you felt a week and a half ago? What was different then?

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Here it is, 9:50 on a Sunday and I am repeating the same things I do every week. I had a nice weekend. I had no panic, but still a little confusion, anxiety and dissociation. But I remember where I was about 3 Sundays ago. I felt completely detached and out of focus. That was the day I worked on the front yard to even out the dunes to get ready for our sod. I also did some other yardwork like mowing the back lawn. By the end of the weekend, I felt a lot like myself again.

Sometimes we forget about how bad we felt and how down we were, but others around us see it differently.

Right now I feel energetic because I just finished my leg workout and we're watching a boot copy of Alice in Wonderland. Just about to have some chamomile tea. But I still feel nervous about the week starting tomorrow. I am nervous about doing my inspection route because of what happened last tuesday with the panic that led to the dissociation.

I know I will have to take a whole diazepam tomorrow. I also know my appointment with my therapist is on April 28 - 2 weeks from this wednesday. I am so looking forward to it. I can talk about this with my wife, but she does not fully understand because she does not have the same anxieties. I thank God for that.

I think back to how well I felt just a few days ago and how I feel now. It's odd how we swing from one feeling to another. Just about a week and a half ago, I felt like saying that I think I am back to normal

Well, I have vented enough.

Thanks to all for listening,

David

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