Hi Motivation,
For those of us who are "high functioning" alcoholics, the people we confide in don't always realize the depth of our difficulty. I didn't have the courage for a very long time to seek help for my drinking, but after being on high levels of antidepressants for over 10 years and self-medicating big time with alcohol, I asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist to assess my medication. She wouldn't make the referal and just wanted to increase my medication. I had to switch doctors twice before I found someone who took the time to ask a couple of questions, took me seriously and agreed to help me. She is the person who helped me take some real concrete steps towards treatment.
You don't have to be destitute and homeless to be alcoholic. If you feel that your drinking is a problem, then it probably is. Your doctor is right that there are many ways to approach this and depending on the supports that you have available, you may be able to do it without formal "treatment". I was also not comfortable with the idea of AA and have connected with something called Women for Sobriety instead. There may not be a group in your area, but they have online groups and lots of good reading material. What I am now realizing is how valuable it is to have someone you can talk to openly about your problems with alcohol rather than feeling ashamed and judged.
I'm glad your doctor has arranged tests so that you can put those fears to rest. Do some reading and use the toolbox here to prepare yourself for withdrawal and the early weeks of sobriety. One of the most useful things an addiction counsellor suggested to me was not to try and quit "right now" or "tomorrow" but to set a date a couple of weeks down the road and plan for it. I scheduled a Thursday and Friday off work so I would have four days. I stocked up on diet ice tea and healthy snacks. I treated myself as if I had the flu (and in fact, I felt a bit that way). I stayed in bed and read a good book. I went for walks and took baths. I planned things to do in the early evening that would keep me away for alcohol (like going to a movie). By the third day, I was too agitated and restless for those strategies so I spent the day digging in my garden and cutting down an overgrown lilac tree. I worked so hard I was dirty, sweaty and exhausted but it got me through the day. Now everytime I look at the space where the tree was I am reminded of how crummy I will feel if I start drinking again.
The other thing about setting a date to quit is that it gives you a bit of time to say goodbay to drinking. It may sound kind of crazy, but instead of drinking the cheap house wine I usually drank, in those couple of weeks I drank some really good wines. I also had a marguerita and a gin and tonic, things I rarely drink, but knew I would miss.
Sorry I am rambling - I hope that there is something in here that you will find helpful. You sound like a smart, motivated person who knows what you want and need. Don't let fear stand in your way. Now is the time to go for it!
Athena
