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My feelings today

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

So I got an email back yesturday from mods telling me they deleted one of my posts because I was talking about suicide.

I talk about it because it has become a part of me, part of the HELL I live with, the reality of my life. I dont like it anymore than anyone else, but for far too long I have never been able to talk "openly" about it, the reasons that drove me there in the first place, the situations that put me there. There is a song that Eric Clapton partially wrote about the death of his son, (early 1990's) and it holds true so much.

"Tears in Heaven"

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven

will it be the same if I saw you in heaven

I must be strong and carry on because I dont belong here in heaven,,,,

Would you hold my hand if,,,

Would you help me stand,,,,

Time can bring you down,,,

Time can break your heart, have you begging, begging please,

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure

because there are no tears in Heaven

That is not all the song, paraphrase from parts of it, but it is so true to my heart as

I was so very much alone, abandoned by my parents, rejected, humiliated, no one to hold my hand, no one to help me stand, no one saw my literal tears, and yes I did cry in class, as well as at home. no one took notice. The utter rejection and abandonment by parents was so overwhelming I no longer felt wanted. I had no place to turn to. Suicide back then was my only hope for peace, and yet I was so terrified, words can not begin to describe the terror I felt. My heart was very much broken. I struggle to forgive, yet it does not come easy. I struggle to forgive myself, yet I can not do that either. I can remember before being sick and I wonder where that boy is. That boy died. What lived, is another person, with the memories of before. I was struggling with something I did not understand. Although there were many days that I did not "feel the pain", when I did it was because I could not move past that barrier, the barrier I saw others pass through so easily.

I created fantasies in which I became the hero, but much of those fantasies are so disturbing that I will not ever talk about them, only that they were the creation of a very much lonely heart-broken boy. I know the truth behind them, the creations from the horrors of the wars at that time.

It was only months after being sick I started thinking about dieing. Killing myself. Those moments at that time were just "fleeting" thoughts, never much more than a passing moment, but I understand now where they were coming from. In the year I came close to suicide, it was the year I was doing 3 years worth of work in one year, on my own, without help from anyone,- thrown to the wolves, so to speak- and the week I contemplated it was when my father started comparing me to the school genius who was also in my class. I once made a remark to Simon, and I regret it very very much but it was out of frustration on my part. I loved that kid, respected him, but I would never succeed. I failed and failed miserably. I was blamed.

Suicide at that time was an out, but I was terrified, and I never tried anything.

The following year I started out at that school, but I soon found that within 6 weeks, if I was to survive, I had to leave. I took it upon myself to r

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I am tired of "coping". Thats what I have been doing. Coping is not dealing with the problems at hand, I was told so many times that there was no problem it was all my making, me just being lazy. Heck, I was told that so many times I started to believe it, but could never understand why when I really wanted to do something I couldn't.

Moving in the middle of the school year, is hard enough! For me, it was out of the house after being sick for over a week, into the hospital for over a week, and back into a "new" house, new community, and recovery at home for a week, then off to a new school, to finish up the year left, 8 weeks. Yes, many changes, but when things started going wrong, no one believed me. No one listened. I felt so very alone, and no friends either. I had become abandoned and forgotten about. My parents even so much as admitted they "forgot" about me as I was the quiet one. I became quiet because no one listened to me. I had absolutely no one to turn to for help. I never learned how to deal with the new problems I faced, heck, I didn't even really know I had "new" problems, I never understood what was happening. I was always so tired. The very problems that I had to deal with back then, hold me back today. I am only just beginning to learn about those problems, though, many doctors seem skeptical. The one doctor who identified my past illness is the only one who understands some of my problems, but she is not in the field of medicine to be able to help me much. Back then at the hospital, I was never more terrified when the nurse shoved that glass thermometer into my mouth and pinned me down when I started having that seizure. It was all I could do to look in to her eyes in terror, feering my teeth would clamp down so hard and break that thermometer. When I asked later about those "spasms", no one even listened. I was ignored. I almost fell over once, and a nurse grabbed me before I fell to the floor. No one helped me.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Cammy,

You have been through quite the ordeal which is understandably scary.

I echo Diva's comment about seeking some counselling or therapy to help you understand some of your past and present in order to make some positive changes for the future.

Challenging our negative core beliefs is also part of the healing process. Do look into that session in the program to help you gain some insight into how you perceive yourself and the world around you.

We are all here to listen and encourage and support you as you need. Please post often and let us know how you are coping.

Faryal, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

cammy,

I know the past colours our present and defines how we see our self. I have had to work hard to leave my parents words and actions in the past. I have had to distroy what they built with me and start fresh with the washed pieces. I Have been bipolar my entire life (like my father) and no recognized it ll now (I am 36). So I was the strange one at school. and was excluded, teased and harrassed because of it. The kindest of words my parents gave me were lazy and worthless ...

I know the pain. And I know the possiblilities of moving beyond ...

I do not have encephalitis. I do not know your particular set of circumstances ...

Outcomes vary between those who are able to return to their former work and lifestyle (with perhaps only a slight change in their abilities) to those left profoundly disabled, physically, cognitively or both. A small percentage of those affected by encephalitis will need to remain in residential care for the rest of their lives.

Nerve cells may be damaged or destroyed by both the infection and inflammation. The resulting damage is termed an acquired brain injury (ABI). The loss of brain function from ABI can range from very minor impairment, such as some loss in speed of thinking, to more significant impairments. The degree and type of damage will vary according to the cause, the severity of the inflammation, the parts of the brain affected, and any delay in treatment. It is this combination which will determine the pattern of difficulties that remain after the illness. Significant changes may occur in personality and in the ability to function day to day even if there is a complete physical recovery. Coming to terms with these problems can be very distressing and challenging for everyone concerned. The person you knew, or who was you, may have changed and the person they have become, or you have become, may present with a number of problems.

But I can see you will need long-term help to come out of the darkness. You have to come to terms with the past and the fact that it will never change. Your parents did what they did. It was the best they could with what they had at the time. And now there is no returning. School, teachers, students, all those people are no longer a part of your present. You need to concentrate on dealing with your illness and on the next steps so you can also think about your depression.

cammy.

you are no longer that scared little boy in grade 8 but you still have his issues and fears. His parents did not listen, but now you are aware of an illness and its consequences. THen, you had no one and no tools. We are a gang willing to listen and we understand just how much pain you are going through. We are also at various stages of our manifestations of depression and can offer you our tools and excercises to help you move your way through this common illness.

but I need to ask, cammy, are you willing to discuss with us your pain? today you say you are tired and want out.

*Out of the effort of dealing with encephalitis?

*out of thinking that you are a lazy 13 yr old lier?

* out of the pain of not connecting with your parents?

*out of not attaining the level of success you should have attained due to the gifts your parents gave you?

- I am adding my touch of taboo and scarcasm because mental and physical illness are so shrouded in myth and mystery-

Cammy. I am pushing you to blurt o

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Cammy,

I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough go of it. I can see from your words that you are really at your wits end. I really empathise with you. Is there anyway you can get help at all from a therapist or something. I had to shop around for a good therapist but the one I have now is brilliant. I truely beleive his interventions have saved my life. And although I am going through a tough time right now, it is still nothing compared to where I was before. I have so much more hope now, my life is so much better.

I also suggest you try this program. I am only at the beginning of it but up to now it is great. The Panic Center program changed my life as I am an anxiety sufferer. The programs are really well designed!

Please keep "talking" to us as we want to be here for you. Hang in there. And remember: This too shall pass!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I was going through my old school notes today. What I found was rather scary. Its as if 2 years of school "vanished". Much of the school work I learned the year prior to having encephalitis and the year following, have great "voids" in material retention. I remember in grade 9 learning about integers and algebraic expressions. When they were being introduced to me then, it appeared to me as being totally new concepts, when in reality they were not. I basically lost 2 years of school. It is no wonder I struggled so DAMN hard in grade 9 and for that matter grade 8. In grade 8, fatigue was a killer. I never really learned anything that year. I hate having had encephalitis. Although it was relatively minor infection I had (if encephalitis can be minor, it can also kill), I got away with having my brain zapped. It was horrible. I remember half kidding around with a couple of boys when I started back at school that "I almost died"- perhaps in some of that statement there was an element of truth. As a matter of fact, in some ways, I have always felt that a tiny piece of me did die, and maybe there is some truth to that. As I come to an understanding of my illness, I find it hard to get complete truths as all my medical records have long since been destroyed. I remember the terror I felt when I was having those seizures in the hospital, the times I almost toppled over, the headaches etc. I remember the last headache I had when I started back at the new school, on my 2nd or 3rd day a splitting headache on my front left. It was one of those that makes me kind of dizzy, and stomach upset. Was that one of those where my brain got "zapped"??

I look at the fatigue I felt and my poor marks in grade 8. I was going to a boys private school and all I wanted was to succeed. I was set up for failure. It was a dissaster in the making. I should have repeated grade 8 instead of going on. It could have helped to offset some of the major depression I felt when I was 14. There have been times when I wished I had gone ahead with suicide when I was 14, ( I backed down, as I got scared, but also primarily I was too exhausted to get up to do anything.) I could have ended all these years of pain and turmoil back then. I also would have avoided the HELL I endured. There are things I will take to my grave with me as some things are just too horrible to tell anyone. There are times because of everything, things I would like to totally forget, forget the HELL, ,,, I would like to end my life. I hate things. I just wish things could be have been different. I was neglected, humiliated, abondoned and had to endure things kids should not have to. The boys private school, much like what the British boys schools are like, was a dream come true to me to have the privilage to go to, only to have everything implode in on me. On the sports field no longer able to keep up with the boys, I never knew why, I never understood why I could no longer keep up, I never knew what happened. Instead I was called lazy, not putting effort in, no one ever thought to ask me what I thought, or talk to me. I put in 110% but could only get out 30%. It was embarrasing in class. Although I looked picture perfect health, something else and to this day, I still dont get it was wrong. Even to this day, when I exercise my heart rate shoots up high, I fatigue quickly and can not keep up. I dont get it. I want out.

Reading this thread:

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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My feelings today