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My feelings today

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Another day!

It is an extremely bitter cold day, with the arctic winds blowing around. I grew up 5000 kms away from where I am living now- it seldom got this cold there.

I realized this morning that the laziness I feel is not so much as "lazy" but more "I know I should do something but unsure how to do it", so I sit there thinking about it - passively. This is so much of what I did through out my school days. When push came to shove, and I had to put pen to paper, I put almost "anything" down, consequently poor marks. The year following encephalitis at the boys private school, so much of what I "learned" was never really learned. My brain was busy repairing itself and this is where the energy went. That made me exhausted and tired at the end of the day. That is why I could only remember certain select things. My school notes show material covered, yet when I entered into grade 9, I had no recollection of covering that material, NONE. That material covered in gr8 was an introduction and preparation for gr9 work. That meant that by gr9 I would be doing 3 years worth of work in 1 year. It was a recipe for disaster and disaster it was. By all rights, I should have repeated gr8. perhaps even taken a year off school to allow for better recovery. I know that the material covered in gr9 was not difficult, just lots of it and very indepth. I should have been able to do it easily.

Why so much dwelling on those 3 years? because somewhere in there is where the answer to my current problem lies.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I had encephalitis age 12, over 30 yrs ago. I am only just now learning what it did to me. Depression, chronic fatigue, suicidal thoughts, just to name a few. I always wondered where all that came from. Within months of "recovery" from that bug all these things started. I never felt the same again. I had been kind of a "happy go lucky" kid. Is my illness under control, depends on what you define as "illness".

I know the suggestions you make are not meant to "hide" ones feelings. I type away here in hopes that I can "find" what is holding me back. One problem, the inability to transfer knowledge from one setting to another. I can memorize a text book, or rules, but I can not apply those rules. They are just "words" words without meanings. I can not unlock the secret behind those words, even though I "know" what they mean.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

It wasn't my fault for getting sick. It wasn't my fault for not being properly looked after in the hospital. It wasn't my fault no one listened to me when Icried out. Thoughts that go through my mind. Many times I think why should I try? It wasn't my fault! I tried. I tried so DAM hard, back then and now. I failed miserably.

I cry out. and in many ways its too late. What should have been attainable is no longer. I want to give up.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

My feelings today?? Frustrated, discouraged, angry. Many of the feelings I feel today are the same as so many years ago, 30+years. No I have not been in a coma, just lived out all these years, chasing one illusion after another. I am no further ahead in life than I was 30 years ago. That is why I feel so discouraged. I have been "banging my head against the "brick wall"" for all these years and nothing to show. I see no difference in the future. unless I can find a way to make a change in something, my future will be the same as it is today.

Frustration. Discouragement. Anger.

very powerful emotions. Emotions that require a lot of energy. I understand why you are tired, and even exhausted with coping. If you have worked so many years to be rid of this "black dog" and he still sits in your yard I see why it seems -hopeless?-.

I believe I read in a post you have done some meditations, breathings, and some CBT in the past? when we mention be positive we are trying to remind you of these exercises you have accquired in the past. We are not trying to sweep the negative under the rug -it makes an ugly bump-

and we are not trying to grate your resistance like arcylic nails on a chalk board?

Positive is not pretend and it is not counterfeit. Positive is a different ways of looking at the world and the place we occupy. It is about today saying that everything is absolutly black and tomorrow there will be one ray of light. There will be one because I will find it! Meditation, breathing, Yoga, exercise, and the rest are the tools to find the ray of light.

Cammy,

can you step back from your brick wall and tell me what is on it.... what is written on it? what is drawn?

What is your situation now? Is your illness under control? Are you able to work or volunteer? Do you have hobbies and pass times? You mention being spiritual, are you religious and go to regular services? what denomination?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Cammy,

If I gave you the impression I wanted you to act or talk positive I am sorry. That must have made you feel misunderstood. Hiding how you feel and pretending takes a lot of energy. I am more into acceptance and change. You can't deny what you have gone through. You went through it. It was horrible. It was hurtful. It made you feel desperate and alone and sad. It is good that you figure out what hit you and why. The most important step though is to figure out how it affects you at present and then what you can do to change things around for yourself.

To me, getting better is all about the Now. What do I do with this Now? What do I work on, what do I change, what do I just accept and live with, what kind of help do I get now. The present is you place of power. It is where you dwell and where you can change your life for the better.

As for spirituality, I am glad you have that in your arsenal. Spirituality can really help you get through things and aspire to better for yourself. As for being scared, I am sorry to hear you are going through that. Remember that we are here for you. Feel free to vent with us. And remember, when we offer advice, solutions or council, it is not to make you feel misunderstood. We are just trying to share with you what has helped us, hoping it will help you. Hang in there, we are here for you. And remember, there is the program and other resources like psychologists and support groups out there that can really help. I hope you consider those resources as options because along with this forum and the program those are resources I personally have found very useful. Hang in there.

This too shall pass Cammy. We care and are here anytime you need to vent.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I know what you are saying about being positive. For far toooooo many years I have pretended that things were ok. Tried to be positive, never allowed to face the demon within me. I have worked and struggled in total silence from the very day my mother thought I was joking around, when I questioned her about the making of the bed. Not allowed to talk about it. Everything is ok. Yet, I knew that "everything" is not ok. Then, when things got tough, my parents basically abandoned me. They would help my older sister, and my younger brother with their studies, but for me, I was told to work through things myself.

I am bitter, but I try to find forgiveness. I know it was not deliberate. But it hurt. My heart was broken. I had no answers to my problems. "Today", I am only beginning to see the shadows of the "demon" within. I do not know if I will ever be able to conquer it, conquer it before it conquers me.

I am very spiritual., probably much more than most other people. I do not fear death, but I fear passing through that door, especially at my own hand. I hope it never comes to that, I pray it does not, but at times I fear it could happen, because I have faced it so many times in the past, far more than I would like to care for. I am scared.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hiya Cammy,

I am sorry to hear you are having a rough go of it. But use those feelings of anger and frustration to fight back against this instead of beating yourself over the head. As for feeling discouraged, I get it. I have been in deep dark wholes. But there is a way out. And yes, it takes a lot of work and yes it takes a lot of fight, but there is hope and it does get better.

I agree with Wildcat, focusing on the past, well, it leaves you with very little you can do. The past cannot be undone. So now we are left with the present. How do you feel today? What can you try, experiment with, to try and make yourself feel better. If venting here is what helps well vent away, we are here to support you. We are here for you.

Hang in there. Have you considered a therapist? I find therapy to be so helpful. Also, the program here is great. Remember, there is hope, a light in the darkness, some days we just can't seem to see it, but it is always there.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

cammy,

Thank you for the explanation. As moderators we are not trained to deal with suicide and need to refer you to a help area for immediate assistance. We understood these were the feelings of the past. It is ok to share your experience and by doing this we can help you put things into perspective.

Wildcat made some good points so please continue sharing with us so that we may better help support you.

Are you working with a doctor or therapist? This can also be of great assistance to you to help better assess your situation.

Post often and let us help.

Josie, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

cammy.

your post says your feelings today.

and you you begin by saying that you are tired of coping.

What are you coping with? What is your present like? I am confused. Are you still in high school and these events occured one, three years ago? Have you had the more dramatic forms of your illness and have been a coma for a long period of time so you are still in the tutorship of others?

I am trying to have a discussion and understand what you are looking for. But Cammy, all you are telling me that your past has hurt you horribly. You are not telling me anything about the now. You explained; you considered suicide. I understand that your pain was that bad. But since then what has happened in your life?

Cammy, by going around the past like this all I can say is ... poor thing. Yes those days were difficult.

Cammy. you have not explained what your feelings are today.

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My feelings today