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My feelings today

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My feelings today

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Doc's appt today was just counselling. went ok but it does not seem to be what I am looking for anyhow, though, it sometimes helps just talking. I did manage to get out this morning and pound the sidewalk, its so frickin cold! I feel so EDGY, jittery and tense today. On top of that, my tremors are back. I just wish I could "feel" normal , what ever that is.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

HEy Cammy,

How did it go at the doctors?

I think it is great you are contacting the brain injury people. It is a great next step in your recovery! Way to go for being proactive!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Education is not so much a problem now. Its just filling in the missing answers here and there. Its like having a text book, but every once in a while you see a blank space where there was a paragraph of info.

Before I got sick, I just kinda coasted through school. After, with the move, and new school, I made a very concerted effort to do my very best, but it was never good enough for anyone and I became extremely frustrated. Not only could I not do things properly consistently, but fatigue was a killer, a symtom of brain injury. That fatigue would last my school years, and to a certain extent I think I still suffer, though not sure.

I spoke recently to the local brain injury centre and there are a couple of other guys there who have had encephalitis. I hope to make contact with the centre in the coming weeks, but I have other committments first. Exercise, I hope to go out tomorrow and pound the snow thats left on the sidewalks, to talk to people, part of my business! I guess the cold will burn a few extra calories!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

cammy,

As for exercising...take baby steps! Take the stairs, walk to the corner store instead of driving, do some housework (it is great exercise!) or go for a brisk walk with your wife (bundle up...it's cold out there!).

In terms of school, is there anyone who can help you out? Is there anyway you could get in contact with someone who has been in your shoes before? A professor? A mentor?

Members, any suggestions?

Hang in there cammy, you can do this!

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

by the way, good luck at the doctor's.

I hope you get a good discussion going!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi cammy,

*does your wife bike or walk with you? maybe it would help to motivate you?

**or do you like to swim at an indoor pool, or skate at an indoor arena? together? or even with the kids... get a game going so the cold is less noticeable.

**Or some heavy house work?? move the fridge, stove, sofa to clean up... move stuff around in the room to feng-shui the energy and work out the muscles...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Today my younger son had a curling game and he won one game, lost one, good going!

Wife keeps "nagging" me to excercise more, - I never have been one to "excercise" but more biking or walking around to get to places, thats how I stayed "fit" in my school years. Heck, I remember my mom asking me if I wanted a ride up to the school, a little over a km from home, this was about 2 weeks after getting home from the hospital, and starting back at a new school. I told her, no, I would walk. I remember how tiring those walks were, always very tired after, but yet I did them, and in looking back, it was probably for the best. Gosh, I think the first time out, I felt so incredibly weak,, legs hurt, feet hurt and I just trudged along. It seemed to take forever! That was my exercise. I "hate" going to the Y to work out, I would much rather walk or bike, but in this fridgid cold its darn hard to get out, and hard to motivate myself to get out. Im taking my paperwork with me tormorrow morning so after a docs appt I can get out and do some biz stuff. There are times I just dont want this "*&^%" struggle anymore, I have been struggling so darn hard for so many years. When I started back at the new school, I chose to start at the new school, it would be like "starting" over, I put all I had to do my very best. But it became clear that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. Starting yr 8 at yet another school, I realized that 3 weeks into the year I felt so very much "behind" everyone else. Perhaps so, but no matter how hard I tried to "catch-up" I couldn't do it. Add to that my parents refusal to help, I was all alone, and desparately needed help I did not know where to turn.

I struggle today in much the same way. I feel I am "almost" there, but can't quite get the last bit. Same feeling as so long ago. I feel so much alone at times, so very much left out, feel so much at times like a total failure. At times I have no idea where to turn to. I do have a friend in biz, though different than mine, and she is helping me out. It does offer a "glimmer" of hope. Its all I have. I am so frustrated.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

HEy Cammy,

I am happy to see you are putting together a plan for your business. That is great!

I am also glad to see you have some god feelings about your teens. Hang on to those and try to build on them!

As for going from on day to another, I personally think living one day at a time, is the best way!

Hang in there and keep us posted!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

In response to your first post. Suicidal- I will always have those feelings, have had them from 8 months after being sick in the first place, its just now I am slowly coming to terms with those thoughts and now understand where they are coming from. For all these years I never really understood why, now I know. Its not easy to live with those feelings, or thoughts, and knowing I will have those thoughts for the rest of my life. All I can ever hope for is an acceptance and understanding of why.

I am slowly starting to put together my "plan" for business. I really dont have much time left, just have to make a go of it and run with it. Not run away from it! By the way, your siggie pic has a very very special meaning for me, I cant tell you why cuz of privacy concerns, but if we met in real life you would understand, and we could both have a good laugh over it.

Yes, I still have some space for a good laugh.

Also, just to be fair, not every minute of my teen years at home were HELL. I did have some good family moments. Its just that when things got tough, I had absolutely no support or help. I had to sort out my own problems. So, in order to avoid problems, I just sat by and did what I was asked to do, and stayed out of sight as much as possible. Went on long bike rides to escape from reality and "drift" off into my own little world. I went out on my own. These days, it would not be a good idea to do what I did, I never told anyone where I was going, I never carried any ID. If anything ever happened to me it would have been "who is this kid?" Anyways, I stayed out of trouble as it was easier to survive. I had too many close calls anyhow, I didn't need any more.

I just try to keep going from one day to another. I keep hoping the next day will be better. I keep trying to make this world a better place for those around me, if nothing else. I dont want to die in vain, and that is what scares me most, more about anything else that if I loose total control that would be my end. I dont want that. Personally, if I dont admit to those feelings, I would be hiding behind "smoke and screen" and it could become a reality and I dont want that. Personally, I have seen a number of friends die "before their time". Some quite young. I want an escape, but not death at my hand, and I want to do more than survive.