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negativity at work

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

goofy - jeez - knocked you down? did you consider opening up a can of whoopa** on him? wow, what a jerk. "the story you have read is real" reminds me of dragnet - just the facts mam.

rosie, so true many bosses are bullies and psychopaths and they're not gonna change. your husband lying to you again? can of whoopa**! everybody is right when they say you don't have to put up with abuse at work or home. good luck rosie, you deserve it

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Rosie, I know I have eluded to this without going into a whole lot of details. I can relate to your situation at work. I was in abusive environment at work. I was bossed by a bully. There is a whole host of websites related to bosses and bullies in the work place. It made me feel better that I was not alone. If they offered me $1,000,000 a day, I would not go back. My boss was verbally abusive, sexually harassing, threw things he knew about my personal life in my face (he knew because we had played golf at scrambles at professional conferences and chatted casually in person, I knew a bit about his personal life too). There was nothing sexual or ever intended sexual on either of our parts. On one occasion he was physically abusive, grabbing something from my hand and knocking me down. I filed a grievance against him. He could NOT speak to me directly. He had to go threw a third part at all times. Even if we were in the same room with someone, he had to communicate through a third person. he could not be with me alone. It was an arbitrary mediator.

I was a counselor I kept thinking I should know how to employ all those skills to be able to communicate with him. At the time I didn't realize it was his problem, not mine (in any way, shape or form). This type of situation is beyond reproach, there is nothing you can do to stop the abuse, except get out! This is a major life event that precipitated my depression. Three months after I retired, the main office investigated the situation and he was forced to leave. He had been there 27 years, had 6 lawsuits filed against him, lost 5. And I personally have come to know these people as well as, four others that were hospitalized and/or recieved treatment as a direct result of his abusive nature on the job. I know this sounds all made up, but I can provide the documentation. However sick it may be, it's in a file drawer right behind me. I know I should throw the stuff out, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I never thought I was capable of hating anyone, he disproved me. I wish ill things to happen to him, harbor many resentments and much anger. (I am working on it.) I have flashbacks, anxiety at my current position because of it, and nightmares.

I tell you this story to reiterate what was said Mom of 3. And add my two cents worth: DON'T PUT UP WITH IT AT HOME OR AT WORK!

I've eluded to that fact that my picker is broke. It is! I for a long time blamed myself for "picking" a boss. lol, you can see that is a negative core belief....

I hope it helps to google bully bosses, etc. It did help me.

I hope knowing you are not alone, it is not part of your imagination, it does happen, and you don't have to put up with it. It's not worth the peace of mind that every human being deserves. If it feels abusive, it is! And I wish I could do something to help make it easier! You nor anyone else deserves to be abused in any way! I wish I could do more than listen.

The opinions above are my own not intented to offend or negate anothers opinion. The story you have read is real. (this was meant to put a bit of humor in an otherwise very uncomfortable topic for me). I hate telling even this small portion of this 5 year abusive boss/employee relationship.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rosie,

I'm sorry to read that you're having such a hard time. Lying husbands are something I know about, my ex husband is a pathological liar. He lies for no reason on big or small issues. It, along with the manipulation/emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, is why I finally left. It wasn't easy, but I felt like I was going crazy because I never knew what the truth was. I suspect you feel that way as well. I got a divorce but it was hard and it cost me alot of emotional pain. Many people did not understand or really know what abuse I lived with because I covered it up. It is hard to suffer the judgement of others especially when they only think they know the situation and don't take the time to really find out. It's hard to find out that others actually find the pain you are going through to be their gossip topics and embellish upon it. It's hard when these people were supposed to be trusted and be there for you. I don't even know if you're considering such a step but make sure it is the only way to resolve your issue if you are considering it. There is a lot of pain involved especially if children are involved. Work it out if you can, if not then a divorce may be necessary. (Just to let you know, I would get a divorce all over again if someone told me I could go back and make my decision again - it was that bad.)

From what you say about your work I think you are in an abusive situation there too. Is there a possibility that you can find another job? I know the economy is not good anywhere so I'm not sure this is possible but it may be what you need. You don't sound happy in your job at all. The management sounds abusive if they "blow you off". If there has been no progress with what you have been doing then it really sounds like you need a change. (A divorce from your job is easier)

I don't know what you will decide to do Rosie but whatever it is you have a place to come and vent, share your successes or anything that's happening. I don't get the sense that you are are a failure. Sure, you are not perfect and make mistakes but we all do, even those who criticize you. I think Ralph very eloquently pointed out how running away won't change anything. Sometimes we have to hit a problem head on with either direct confrontation or with a new attitude that does not include the word failure. These are not easy either, but you are worth too much to be beaten down by the lies and attitudes of others. Please let us know how you're doing.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 51

Rosie, I can feel where you are coming from. I was in a very similar situation just a short time back. Bad situation at work. My boss was worse than indifferent he was abusive and I just stood there and took it. My marriage was on the rocks, my wife(now ex-wife) had been cheating on me. I felt like I had no future, no where to go and no one to support me. Just wanted to go away, anywhere, just not to be in the place I was. Finally, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and I did just that. I took off. just got in my car and drove. I was gone for 2 days. At first it felt liberating, just to be on the road and free from everyone, but as more and more time went by I realized that I couldn't run forever. The problems, the worries, they were still there and I still had to deal with them. And when I got back it was even worse, because now I had to deal with additional problems I had caused by doing what I did. Things did not end well, I ended up leaving the job and getting a divorce. Now I am not saying that will happen to you, but I am saying that I did make it thru. Though I haven't found what I am looking for as far as work yet, I still seem to be able to survive and get thru until I do. And I have met and married someone else and this person loves me enough to bring me back from the brink of suicide. I wish I knew what to say other than we do care for you here, and you are in our prayers and we are hoping you can find someone to talk to, to help you find your way. Take Care!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

My sop work story is too complicated. I have tried to confront my boss but he just blows me off. I have tried so many different approaches to try and be proactive in my job. I try to be positive but the blows keep coming. I would almost rather go back to my old job but that involves working shifts which nearly destroyed my marriage. We are still trying to rebuild our trust but my husband lied to me again the other day about something small and I just feel like he hasn't learned a thing. His lies neary destroyed me. How can he not see that? I am trying really hard to keep myself together. I am just exhausted and can't think anymore. I feel so trapped. Issues at work, issues at home. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to be left alone but every moment of my day is full of other people judging me, asking questions, commenting on my failures. I want to just run, anywhere, just run and keep going until I am far away from my own life. If I could run away from myself I would.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rosie,

Josie has a good idea - write your own job description to your understanding. It is unfair that you were not given one and then told you are not working up to standards which were not set to begin with.

Another thing that comes to mind is that while you're trying very hard perhaps you are not exhibiting the confidence you once had in your job. If you feel like you are being beaten down by this you will show that instead of confidence. Be confident, command their respect and show them you can work circles around them.

Hang in there Rosie. Work politics are difficult. I moved to another position at my work too, but I requested it and had to campaign to do so because they wanted me to do something else. I knew I didn't have the strength to keep up the pace and wanted something with regular hours and not alot of overtime. (I worked more overtime than anyone and did many other jobs including mine - I became a "go to" person. I thrive on that sort of thing until it interfered with my marriage. It was simply not worth) Because I did not conform to the plans they had for me at work it has been a bit hard for me. Most do not even know I'm having any issues at all so they don't understand the changes I've made. It's hard but what I must do for me. You need to do what you need to do for you - take care of yourself Rosie. Let me know how things are going.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

Rosie,

Be active and prove your point! You have come a lone way and it isn't worth it to regress! Use the knowledge you have to bring forth key points that make you and your work ethic so fantastic! If there was no job description..start by making your own and show what you have accomplished! There is no description to compare it to, so yours can be a basis and show them all you have achieved.

Command respect!

Josie, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Thanks for the suggestions guys. My boss knows how hard I worked. His boss is just someone who doesn't listen to reason so there is no point trying to take it up with anyone. My performance review is up soon anyway but that is another story. A few months ago, they moved me to a new position but with no job description or role clarity. Six months later and I still don't have that. My one friend and collegue told me today that I am not performing in my current job. I was devastated. I think you are right Mom of 3, I am an overachiever and I guess I am not as enthusiastic as I used to be but it doesn't mean the comments don't hurt. I am trying my best. They don't even understand what I have been through. They don't realise how strong I am now, compared to 6 months ago. In their eyes I am slacking. In my eyes, I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life that I lost. I just feel like piece by piece I am staring to crumble again.....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rosie,

I relate to your feeling of not being good enough.

I am very performance driven, if I am criticized I must know what the problem is and take steps to fix it. I will confront and find out where I am lacking or what a supervisor's issue is. I can't stand to be thought of as not doing "good enough". This carries it's own problems. If you are an overachiever and have backed off it is possible that a supervisor is claiming that you're not doing well enough because you have stopped going over and above the call of duty, but they expect it.

I think you should confront but realize that this may not be easy for you. As Rose and Goofy have already stated they would have trouble with this. I would do it because I am so driven to "do the right thing" that it would force me to find out what the issue was. (Then I'd jump through fiery hoops to be acceptable and beat myself up the whole time for not doing well enough. This carries it's own problems). I would like to tell you that I consider their response and determine if it has merit. If so, I change. If not, I make my rebuttal and challenge them. This is what I think should be, but I would do what I have already written in parenthesis and not the more balanced response. I hope you are able to be more balanced.

Let us know what you decide to do and how things go for you. I am hoping that you are able to get your work situation ironed out. Faryal really made some excellent points relevant to your situation. We must make other people respect us as "good enough" and confronting the issue would say more about your self worth than just letting it go. Know you are good enough and comand the respect you deserve Rosie.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I couldn't do it either, knowing I was doing a good job and positive feed back from my employer - I still couldn't do it!

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negativity at work