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Having Trouble Challenging

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

please count me on the codepedency support issues! read that book 5 times, it's hard to sink in even when it's simple because you're so close you can't see the forest for the trees. it seems to be selfish at first - like you're walking such a fine line all the time. if you have trouble reading, give up on it if you're not hooked by chapter 3. also books on tape! i read alot, it calms me and thankfully i can still focus in. read about what interests you. i do my best reading in the tub! since i'm myopic as hell, when i take off my glasses i have to have the book about 5 inches from my face so there's no getting around it and it sinks in when i'm more relaxed

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Mom of 3 & Goofy,

You two are making excellent progress! You can, and will, hold onto it! You two are so supportive towards one another, which is great to see. If you ever feel like your progress is slipping away, please visit the site and post! As you know, we are here to help and support you, no matter what.

Hang in there

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

please don't feel inclined to repeat the issues with your daughter. It is not necessary. I prefaced what I was going to say in case in sounded insensitive in light of the situation.

I hope you got your much needed rest!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy,

I think we're making progress and that's good. I just hope I can hold on to it.

You're right, I can't beat myself up about my daughter. You seem to have a basic understanding of my situation with her so I won't elaborate right now because it's very hurtful and I am too tired right now.

As far as church goes, I am glad that I went. It gave me a new perspective and I am glad. I just hope I can continue.

Sorry but I'm very tired right now, will write later

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

I think we are on the right track and at least we are recognizing our issues and what issues are causing our negative core beliefs. I think we are making progress - this is a good thing, huh?

I don't think we should be sorry it took us so long to figure it out, but thankful that we did figure it out no matter how long it took.

I am not familiar with your daughter situation, I tried to look for a thread that talked about it, but was unable to find it. I do recognize issues with children are very painful and difficult to accept. What we have to do (in my opinion) is recognize that we did the best we could at the time with the information and knowledge we had and we can't kick ourselves in the butt for it forever.

I think should have, would have, could have are negative core beliefs, do you?

I also find it amazing when I attend a church service that the message is intended for me or at least I feel like it is (I don't think that is a bad thing - I am paying attention and getting something out of it). I tend to be more spiritual than religious and practice my spirituality with God of my understanding in my home, but my meditation and daily reflections seem to always be helpful in that days events. I do surround myself in my personal life with family that believe the way that I do - that is my fellowship. I practice my spirituality on a daily basis and have a special place in my home for my meditation with small things that represent those that I love most and the things I care about - I find this very comforting and makes me feel closer to God of my understanding on a daily basis.

I try to remember there is always something to be thankful for - I work on that daily. I think that you are on the right track and I see much progress in your recognition of issues. Identification, for me is the first step, I am writing them down as I go so I can address each and everyone of them, I think you should too.

Lets keep working hard at our goal, to get better!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy,

My co-dependency contributes to my depression. Co-dependents want to fix others but don't tend to fix themselves. I can give excellent advice to others, yet fail to heed it myself. I don't "fix" myself. It's not because I don't think I need to, it's because somewhere inside me I think it's not worth it or hopeless. "Fixing" others gives me a sense of worth.

I tried to fix my daughter and failed, became depressed and then hopeless. My husband suffered through this and is tired of it all. I don't know that I tried to fix my husband, but think he was trying to fix me. I will need to fix me now and he has set about fixing him. Now I understand and the light bulb is on. Too late? I am hoping it is not.

There's a big debate on how much co-dependency is an illness. Many of the qualifiers could apply to anyone. What I see in the list are things that are detrimental to me and others. I find my inability to communicate and the reason I become irritated.

I don't think all of the tendencies on the list are bad, and I would not change doing some of them. I would still try to guide my daughter in the right direction, but not let it drive me to the place where I was.

I know that I am making progress in understanding, but that I still must put it into practice. I got up and went to church this morning and the message was about having contentment in Christ. I don't think there could have been a more appropriate one to hear for me. I believe I have wasted too much time spinning those wheels, thinking I could do something I could not.

I am sorry that it took this for me to figure it out.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom 0f 3,

I can relate to the codependency! I do it for a living (counseling) and in my personal life as well. It seems every relationship I decided to engage in is one with someone whom I view needs fixing instead of accepting them for who they are. Mind you, I've never gotten into a relationship that lasted more than 6 years.

I also can relate to how the codependency can interact with the depression - but not very well. I just know that there is an overlap - not too sure what to do beyond there - and you've provided me some valuable insight - Thank you.

Wanted you to know you are not alone in this. I often have difficulty seeing things in my own life but no difficulty identifying issues in others. (I am not counseling now, due to the depression - whew!)

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose & Faryal,

It's been a long day of discovery for me, I allowed myself to look at me. I do understand that I am codependent and that I've fallen back into alot of the ways. I looked to my husband supply my worth and not to myself.

I realize that my gestures and "talks" go nowhere because they're so full of my "fixing" obsession. It is no wonder he does not want to listen to me. I realize that giving up the fight is my only option, even if I am afraid. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this but, as always, I go into fixing mode even if it's to my detriment. I wish I could have identifed this earlier instead of spinning my wheels in mud all this time.

I think I know now what my husband means by wanting me to be how I was... I've let my co-dependent issues run wild, used my "good" intentions as excuses and believed that I have been doing all that I can. This has not been true, I have been wasting valuable time and energy trying to effect changes that were not mine to make. I used work as an escape and all the while painted myself into a corner with doing more and more there and digging a deeper hole there.

I do not know whether I can make enough changes in me to change my husband's mind, he is still here and has not said that he would not consider differently. I know that hardships come for a reason, and when it seems darkest the smallest of light can shine brightly. (It's all I've got for now)

And so I give up on my situation, I will hope but not "fix", I will work on me and not others

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Mom of 3, The desperation and fear are so evident in your post. What makes you believe that the progress you made from being codependent was lost? What happened to make you believe that your actions backfired? Any progress you made and are making should be focused on fixing YOU, not on fixing the other person. So if you feel you made progress on addressing and improving yourself then that is totally worthwhile because it is for YOU. You have received some great advice from other members with similar experiences. I believe you need to set yourself free first. Try to focus more on your thoughts and challenging those rather than worrying about his interpretation of your feelings and actions. As you said in a previous post...........take the time to first understand who YOU are. Good luck, Faryal, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

mom of 3,
you are hardly clueless - you're depressed, anxious, codependent, etc etc etc ? took me along time to understand how destructive codependency is - you nag, whine, complain, paint yourself into corners. say things you can't take back. all in the name of love, but they don't see it as that. they see the anger and the disappointment in your eyes and stop listening to you altogether. you can't change anybody but you and even then it is a battle when you feel like you don't deserve their love.
my oldest son, 28, finally told me that he was sorry for the hard time he gave me and that i didn't deserve it. hang in there!
you gotta read that book and then start thinking about putting you first. how do you feel - minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day and try to adjust accordingly so you avoid the explosions. start walking, too - meditation in motion.

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