I wish I was glad about writing it. It just means nothing has improved and nothing I've tried has worked. It just means he will not forgive me and will continue to hold my redemption to something unattainable for me.
I agree with what you wrote except that there is no way for me to make this happen. It is out of my control and up to him. He may just be making plans to leave and hasn't gotten them together yet and is trying to keep me off guard or he wants to try but doesn't know how because he is angry and hurt. He gives mixed answers when I talk to him. He may not even know what he wants or is going to do.
As time goes by I am becoming less hopeful and yet I must maintain hope - I know that doesn't make sense but it is where I am. I am hopeful that he will be able to see that our marriage is worth saving and I hope that it's sooner than later. I really think I've had enough punishment.
He needs to understand that your daughter is your daughter, and will come first. He should understand that it was a tough time, but the worst is over, and now it is time to forgive, maybe to forget, but definitely time to move on.
There is no sense dwelling on the past. I know you know this, and it seems that your hubby needs to focus on the future and on working on your relationship, rather than focusing on the past.
Thank you for your reply. I am trying very hard, but it does seem to be falling on deaf ears. I am told that if I consistently demonstrate a loving attitude that it can change everything. He has said it is not too late and that there's hope but I'm not sure I believe him anymore, even though I want to. I don't think he forgives me or feels that he has anything that he needs to apologize for. I can't bring up any of these issues because he turns it around on me. It is sometimes better to bring it to his attention without making it seem like my comments are directed as a complaint.
So, I am unsure that anything I'm doing makes a difference, but I have to try, for me. If it doesn't work out I'll know that I did my best, at least once I realized that I had messed up to begin with.
What bothers me is that I didn't try to hurt him and he didn't really try to correct things, he just complained about things and I was so upset about my daughter that I didn't realize what damage was being done or that he blamed me. Now he is angry with me and doesn't care about the damages, this hurts because he knows what he's doing.
I know you are trying very hard to make things work, and by the sounds of it, your hubby isn't really hearing you. If he is harbouring some issues and refuses to bring them up and try and work on them and solve them, then it is his blame, not yours.
Don't let him think that it is ok to treat you poorly, because you deserve the best treatment. Hang in there, and stay strong!
I understand what you are saying and it makes good sense, but I'm still processing it in light of my situation.
My husband has been told that I feel negated and ignored. He says that I'm not. I don't know what to do with that. It seems that he doesn't want to hear it and so I guess he wants to negate and ignore me. I am trying to adopt a less confrontational attitude, it works better with him. I have taken responsibility for what he has brought to my attention but he does not take any responsibility for his. I am wrong, he is right. I am being punished even though I have apologized. He will deny this but if he had forgiven me things would be different. And so I wait until he decides that I have demonstrated that I am sincere. Sometimes I think he enjoys the fact that all this is upsetting to me. I am trying to be loving and yet I can't continue to accept all the blame he has laid on me. Especially since I have apologized, at least for what I know about or have identified myself. I have tried to be through in my self examination but have blinders. If there are other things that he harbours but refuses to bring to my attention, is it my blame or his?
I don't know if the educators will agree on this, so let's get a response from them on this and it may not work for you....but a therapist once told me that in a relationship if I didn't ask for what I needed (i.e. attention in a manner acceptable to you) than I couldn't expect it and it was my problem; but if I asked and didn't receive it; it was his problem. However; as always, there are those communication issues. She said it should be stated in simplistic terms, not to expect an immediate response and pleasantly ask, not demand. Oh, and she also said it goes both ways - if he asked me for something he needs from the relationship..... (that was the hard part).
It made good sense to me at the time; that marriage ultimately ended in divorce but had nothing to do with the issue that brought this response to the table (his mother moved in with us due to an illness later in the marriage and he "moved out", not physically but emotionally). I took care of her and that took a toll on our marriage.
Just something that popped into my head that a wise woman once said.
Nice work on your issues! I should probably post under successes for this but I'm a little hesitant since it's early and I feel that at any minute this could all blow to bits, but....
Today I have been down. My husband was rather distant last pm and our phone conversation this am was stresses. Work was very busy and I didn't text my husband as I normally do. He didn't text me either. After work I sent a text saying I was going to the gym and he responded to have fun. Afterwards I tried to reach him but he didn't pick up his cell. So I sent a text saying I was on my way home instead of calling the home phone. When I arrived home he was in the garage and the first thing he said was that his phone was in the car and he had just gotten my text. I said it was ok. He looked at me weird and said he just wanted me to know because he didn't want me to be mad at him. I said I wasn't mad and that all I wanted to tell him was that I was on my way and knew he'd see the text at some point. He asked why I didn't call the home phone and I told him that the last time I did he acted like I shouldn't have because it uses minutes. He said I was acting weird, hyper. I told him I had just come from the gym and was a little. It had been a long day and I may have overdone my workout. Then I went inside to check on our son's homework progress.
I still feel like I am being ignored and negated but I refuse to let him know that it bothers me. I'm tired of the game and I am refusing to let him upset me all the time. The fact that I didn't point out that he could have been more attentive to me is a change. He doesn't want to hear it anyway, so why waste my breath? If he can't figure out he needs to attend to me more then he has a problem - I'm not pointing out anything anymore. I can't change how I feel or how he is treating me, but I can change my reaction to it. I don't deserve it, so he doesn't deserve me being upset about it - I'm better off to ignore it.
I think I sort of came to this conclusion earlier on, but I immediately blew it after I posted. I hope I don't this time. I need to keep this mindset.
that was excellent work! I know it is easy to be miserable when others make us the target ... I was this morning at work! and went to wash my face and get a grip!
I thought of some other one liners that are easy transitions ...
"you might want to get a coffee/tea during your break sweetie, so we should say good-bye till lunch?"
"a good deep breath of fresh air might clear your mind and give you a new idea on the old problem. How about you run out for a treat and give me a quick call at your next break to tell me if things are getting better ?"
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