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Having Trouble Challenging

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hiya Mom of 3,

Don't you just dislike misunderstandings of the kind! I know I sure do! I agree with theothers in that you take too much blame on yourself! You are so hard on yourself! Be kind to yourself, you are so kind and great! Hit my head earlier and have a splitting headache so I am keeping this brief but I did want to stop in to say this lol. Hang in there.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose,

I agree, a lobotomy would simplify my life!

Sometimes the way I say things is an issue - either too emotional or my anger shows. Others, my brain does move faster than my mouth. This time he wasn't happy with my approach. I used another similar issue to work into the discussion I wanted to have. He decided that I meant something other than what I actually meant. Before I figured out we weren't on the same page he had said my presentation was wrong. I also tried to explain my meaning but am unsure he ever really changed his view of what I meant. (I wrote more about it in another thread) Anyway, in another thread, Goofy pointed out that his problem with my presentation was his not mine. I agree, my intention was not what he labeled it and he was not receptive and threw up a wall without trying to understand.

Thank you for your comments, writing here helps me to see what I am unable to by myself. I don't do well since I over analyze and make a mess.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello mom of 3,
you are definitely too hard on yourself! i do that too, blame myself for everything, take responsibility for other people, say the wrong things at the wrong time and on and on. my psychologist (the good one) said you only have to apologize once from your heart and they are free to take it or leave it. that's all you can do. quit beating yourself up.what does he mean by you not "presenting things to him very well"? is it what you're saying or how you're saying it? write him a one page letter and have him write one back - then you're both presenting information on the same level? does that make sense? maybe you are crying or stuttering or your brain is going faster than your mouth and he's impatient - he doesn't want to wait for the information (the point you are trying to make) and he gets nasty. you express yourself very well here - we know you are dealing with big things - we all are. i need to start a new message and ask for advice from you all - i have so many problems right now i'm in a highly medicated holding pattern. it helps to know that other people are just as confused and fricking sad, it's easy to give advice - but taking it or knowing good advice from bad - life is hard and then add faulty wiring and dysfunctional families??????????? sometimes a lobotomy sounds like the way to go!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba & Goofy,

I started to reply to Sheba and gave up and went away for awhile. I'm glad I did because Goofy has a point that I did not consider. I do feel like I am responsible for EVERYTHING. You are right Goofy, it is his problem that he doesn't like my presentation. If he were to really consider what I'm saying in light of the situation - how I present it means nothing in context.

I guess I'm just trying so hard to try hard that nothing is going right. Perhaps I am too hard on myself, perhaps this is why I can be controlled by people who know this and use it against me. He probably just did not want to hear the content of what I was saying so he blamed it on something else.

Sheba, I am stupid because I shut down and not only did I make mistakes in my relationship, I also made some mistakes financially. I did not intend to have this happen but it did and now I am blamed and treated like I am stupid. Yes it was a stupid mistake and if I did not have this depression thing it would not have happened. (This was part of the discussion I did not present well.) My mistakes are not the entire financial problem but they didn't help. Now I must bear the blame for it and blamed I am. I easily accept shame and blame, these are part of my personality. Having only an apology and no way to fix my mistakes is very upsetting for me.

To answer why I don't like myself, the tip of ice berg is:

I do not like myself because I have messed up. I don't like myself because I had a chance at having a good life and ruined it by shutting down and not handling what I should have. This makes me defective and unlovable as evidenced by the problems I am having now in my marriage.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3, just because someone says we are something....doesn't make it so. Of course if you hear something often enough and don't challenge it, it will become a core belief. I do still maintain my view that it doesn't matter where it came from.....but you are identifying reinforcement for your negative core beliefs. (your husband's remarks) His thinking you don't present things to him appropriately is his problem with your presentation - not yours. You are taking ownership of his issue by believing what he says, it's actually his preference that you present things differently and you don't - that does not make your presentation style wrong. I have to be careful to not take ownership of others expressed opinions, which if given alot of thought or are heard repeatedly can add to my negative core beliefs. For example, I have a girlfriend that tells me when I dress I should accessorize - I don't like accessories (belts, jewelry, hair ribbons, scarves, etc) so therefore I don't. But if I take ownership of her opinion (make it my opinion) then I would be accessorizing and/or having a bunch of stuff in my closet, etc. that I don't use. I know that it is a very simplistic example but thought maybe it might help explain

When you tell yourself it's okay to be who you are, present things the way you feel comfortable presenting them, then it isn't a lie and it's working on getting rid of those negative core beliefs.

I write this and as you know, I'm with you on this. I am working hard at identifying negative core beliefs. It sounds like you need to identify people, places and things that are currently reinforcing your negative core beliefs.

Just an opinion, a moderator may not agree; but I am interested to learn about my "theory" and if they agree or not.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

" I really don't like myself." - I used too to say this....

And I can tell you at least from what you are writing here that you are first of all a person and a good person.

You are a little too hard on yourself. What exactly you don't like about you?

For me it was being overweight but I came to understand that was not my fault. It's an eating disorder. Then I don't like or like this is strange... the way I try not to hurt the others.

PS You are not stupid at all. And believe me I'm honest.Why do you think you are stupid?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I guess it's good to know that others are having the same problems I am. (Good in that I'm not alone, bad in that others suffer too) I guess you're right Goofy, it doesn't matter where my negative core values come from , they just need to go. With them so longstanding it is frustrating to banish what you've known and worked off of for so long.

I'm finding the challenge terribly hard. Saying I'm not worthless, ugly, stupid, selfish etc, is hard for me because it feels like a lie. I really don't like myself. My husband said yesterday that I don't present things to him very well, again, I don't know why I try. Whenever I think I'm doing something right, it's wrong. Maybe my negative core beliefs aren't wrong.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Goofy, You did a great job at identifying your negative core beliefs, now all you have to do is start challenging them! (easier said than done, I know). When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself, I am beautiful, I do not look weird, I think people think I am a good person, I am educated and proud of it, I am a strong person, I am lovable, I am going to travel, I am going to make new friends, I am going to have a wonderful and loving relationship, and I am going to get over this depression.

You can do it Goofy. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve to feel that way.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

I still can't get to find what are my actual negative core beliefs. since two years ago I thought I was unlovable... Then i met my boyfriend and slowly I've changed this. At the base of it were my eating disorders (I'm still fighting with those).

Now my parents putting a lot of pressure on me.... and sometimes I end thinking that I'm not good at all and that everything they tell me is wrong. Maybe not everything is wrong but because are pushing me too hard....

Then another really ugly issue is the unfounded opinion my mother has about my boyfriend. And this is really hard.... I know I love my mother but sometimes I think she loves an image of me and not myself. I feel like being their property and not a human. Sometimes I feel she hates me because I want to be independent. And my father just does what she likes and thinks what she likes.... At the begining he liked my boyfriend and now... he too thinks he is not good at all...

As for my core beliefs when I started thinking that I am a human being with my personality and all and stopped thinking that I'm not good for my parents the conflict with them just got fire.

right now the worst thing is that I feel in prison. And my reactions are influenced but this. Is a real prison but made only from unseen chains. To get better I must remove that.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I typed that, now I read it and I have to tell you, that I am almost in tears (I wouldn't want to appear weak, now would I?) and that it makes me feel sad to acknowledge that I feel that way. I don't understand why I feel that way. I have always been a person that thinks it doesn't matter how it got that way, it's gotta be fixed but I can't help wondering. I have some ideas. But that is because I want to place blame on something, someone...then just maybe it'll be justified that I feel that way. When in actuality it doesn't matter if it is because my dad is an alcoholic or I was abused as a child or whatever. I just got to get rid of them. Whew, since that's a partial, off-the-top of the head remembering of what I've written down....I've got a lot of work today. I'm on session 4, I'll keep on working. Feedback?

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