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Out of hope

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Suzy,

Sorry to hear that your family is not being very grateful towards you lately. We do appreciate you and enjoy reading your posts and having you as a supporting member of our community. It may be a good idea to go out and have lunch even if you may not feel like it. This may help boost your mood and you may have a great time. It's worth the try!

Hang in there!

Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Wildcat,

As always you have a better way of saying things!!

Suzy,

I hope Wildcat's response brings home what I was trying to say a bit better! She has such a great way of putting things and uses such vivid examples. (Sorry, I have a little too much clinical in me.) I hope her words help!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

suzy,

just a reminder ... if the ideas are good enough to be written about and be shared in a "public" space they are worthy of consideration and of our time. Have you thought that maybe the qualities that make you sensitive and receptive and caring also separate and even isolate you a bit from your family??? I mean, that maybe there is a mis-communication somewhere ? or a mis-comprehension

Your story of the article remindes me of the years I battled my family to go to Cegep and university ... My Grandmother grew-up in the depression and as soon as you could put two cubes together you could work - school was a luxery for those others. Not for me to waste my time on, especially when I could be contributing to the family budget or get out of the family home. I was hurt by grannie's words for the longest time until I truely learned about the instablities and hardships of the great-depression years later and I understood where she was coming from. She wanted me to have a solid foundation, a diverse nest egg to fall back, on not like all those educated types who invested and lost it all and who could not do anything to pick themselves up...

You Know you family best and they will not change. Sorry. You can. If you want to go for cream you can, after the rain or even for a pleasant strole through the puddles with a song. - it is a change in your thinking- Ideas, especially new ideas are scary things for a lot of people. Perhaps you can present yours in a less challenging format - in a conversation rather than a debate, or a magazine rather than a newspaper.- I know it seems like more consessions on your part. More efforts on your part. More from you. Sorry. Part of depression is bad habits in thinking. We have to start thinking positively.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Suzy,

I just read your posts and you have a real talent for putting your feelings into words. It's a talent I do not have but wish I did.

It breaks my heart to read about your feelings and know how neglected you are and feel. You are a very special person and you should be commended for putting the needs of others ahead of yourself, and like you said it makes you feel good to do so. However, consider that what you wrote about today does not say that. It says you are weighted down by your good deeds and they are not appreciated, rather they are EXPECTED. It negates you as a person and negates your good deeds. No wonder you feel the way you do!! From what you wrote it sounds like you are a victim of your own good deeds and a martyr to them. (Unfortunately I have a lot of knowledge about the subject)

I know your feelings very well and understand where you are coming from, but to get anywhere with this you must value yourself. You cannot command respect until you do. You will always be taken for granted and expected to measure up to someone else's standards as long as you allow it. I know what I just wrote is hard and may sound harsh. It is in a way. You were raised to value them more than you, but they did not return the favor. Not your fault, but you no longer have to play by their rules - it's use and abuse. You are the only one who can stop it, whether they like or even understand it. Do it for you!!!

Set boundaries, if you are overlooked or neglected - say something. Stop doing so much for them, make them responsible for more of their issues. If your opinion is not valued by them, understand that it's THEIR problem and not yours - you have a right to have opinions and to have them respected. None of this will happen unless you DEMAND it.

Unfortunately I've had to do this in my own life. It's not easy and not perfect. I still have many issues, but am understanding that I don't deserve to be treated like a doormat and have taken steps to demand that I am not treated that way.

Sorry about the preaching Suzy (in a way it's preaching to myself also) - but you are definately in need of a pep talk and not a story about how much of what you wrote I can relate to - it won't help you to see yourself as a person DESERVING of what you crave. If I can tell that you are a worthwhile person by just your posts, then shame on those around you who can't see it! Please consider what I wrote and value yourself, it's difficult but worth it.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. You have alot of understanding people here who want to see you succeed and still be able to be the caring person you are!!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 56

Suzy:

I wish I could give you the biggest hugest hug. And for what it's worth I would have hauled myself out for some cream for you, a walk in the rain might be just wierd enough to be fun. Or, I would have sat myself down with you for a fine cup of tea with milk and let everyone else figure out their own beverages for a change.

As I suspected you've had some great advice from the people here, and the kind of support you aren't finding at home. Lots of people don't know what life looks like from where we stand. But some do, and you can find them here.

As for becoming less interesting as depression crests in your life, I can relate to that. I can see the difference between when I am able to be social and outgoing and when I feel like a lump with nothing to say, thinking everyone is dying to get away. I wish that neither of us had to deal with it, but there it is. I have no idea the best way to go, but I am beginning to get a little numb on the topic. Like me, don't like me, I am still the same person. I am not less intelligent, less interesting, less understanding, less anything when I am in a low phase. It's still all there if someone takes the time to notice it. So how much of it is my doing? Maybe that's a cop out, but I find the bloody-mindedness of it helps me get through the social situations I have to face.

So I am afraid all I can offer you is a virtual cup of tea, and the virtual company of someone who likes hearing about your situation, finds you interesting for the things you are dealing with, and the way you are handling some terrible challenges. But if you look around our virtual table there are plenty of people willing to pull up a seat. Maybe other parts of the world will take a while to catch up, but until then, the world isn't 100% bad if there are spaces like this.

Ava

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

I gave into the pain today and took what I call my "puddle pill". What I take to settle me down when I am howling in pain and can't stop. When I have cried myself into such a state that I don't know what else to do. It calms me down, but doesn't solve anything.

I just want to stop the pain. I'm quite convinced that the pain will never go away.

I have always been ok with putting other people first. I felt quite proud of that, actually. But lately I feel that I am being taken advantage of, taken for granted. Simple case in point. By the time I got around to getting coffee, my husband had taken two cups and effectively used up all the cream. I checked with my extended family and they were very low - so low that I knew if I took any of it there would be angry feelings, that I took something I shouldn't have. It was pouring rain, really hard. But, so that everyone else would have cream when they wanted it, I went out in the rain and got cream. (Paid for both containers myself) Told people before I left that because we were basically out of cream, I would go out and get some. All I heard was "OK". No thanks at all. I went out in the pouring rain and brought it home. Again, no words of thanks. I didn't even want cream - I would have been happy to drink tea (with milk). Haven't had any at all today. But everyone else has. Now - yes, this is a small thing. But it is just one example of what I consider to be thoughtlessness that I live with everyday. I did something nice for everyone else without being asked, and I don't get squat. I don't know when the last time that someone else put any thought at all into doing something I would like, without me asking. (Even when I ask, it usually doesn't get done.) Well, actually, I do remember. It was about a month ago. Made me feel so special and loved.

What's more, the worse I feel about myself the less I want to have to do with anything, with any one, with life itself. And so the less interesting I become as a person, and the less anyone wants to have to do with me. I can't blame them. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with me either.

I tried to share an interesting article with my family today. Basically I got told that it was a stupid article and not worth reading. That I should have known better than to think it was useful. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep my opinions to myself, that they aren't worth anything, that they are useless. Why do I keep trying to participate like a real person?

I'm worn out. Numb. Too tired and discouraged to think. Don't really care about anything any more.

I'm supposed to have lunch with a former staff member of mine tomorrow. I hope I can pull myself together enough to go through with it.

Wish me luck.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

Hi Suzy!

You are a great person and first of all you are human. You are not just a walking and speaking thing. You feel, you cry you want someone to be with you, you care for others. And believe me nowadays is really a rare thing to see a human. So I don't really know who is worthed or not.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Suzy,

yes there are levels of being suicial, of desperation, of loneliness, of pain. I do not Think that every one who is suicidal crys out for help ... some of us were so battered by life that when we find the moment to rest and finally expire it is a relief. There are harsh ways out and easier ways out. But Suzy, you do not need to suffer the pain. The emotional pain from family, from strangers and from life is just as real and "bone-deep" as a broken limb. If you fell in the stairs, you would not feel silly going to a doctor with a foot twisted out of shape and bleeding all over. Well, your emotional state is just as twisted out of shape. It will take a doctor a lot of questions (not an x-ray) to see the damage and what might be the best treatment.

susy,

putting you first is not neglecting the rest. It is looking at what you are doing as positive! CBT, the programme here is all about changing our thinking. It is about changing our thoughts from .... oh s*** I am alive today again to suffer somemore ... to .... I am alive to see one more beautiful sunrise and discover a day of good and bad expreiences. So if you enjoy being with your family and schedual your activities to allow yourself time to help others and be available for then then it is your choice and your pleasure. not a chore.

you know maybe insanity is not the problem... if you keep doing different thing but not see a result.

*try insanity

or my favorite is to laugh hysterically

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 29

Ava - it was comforting to see your email this morning when I got up. Thank you.

I know there are no quick solutions. But the only one I see, putting myself first, looking out for myself, finding some confidence in myself, will cause so much conflict and anger. Conflict and anger just make my stomach cramp up and makes me quite afraid. And I am not sure that my family would love me, would put up with me, if I stopped putting every one else first. I am afraid of them leaving me emotionally, hurting me emotionally. So I have a lot to lose if I try, but I fear what will happen inside me if I don't.

I read through session 2. It says I should call 911 - that I am suicidal at the moment. If so, I have been more suidical in the past - are there degrees of being suicidal? Previously, I have poured pills into my hand and stared at them, but just couldn't give up all the way. I have gathered pieces of broken glass and hidden them for future use. I have since thrown them out. I am not quite at that level of desperation. Maybe when my severance finally runs out and I have nothing left to give, maybe then. But not quite yet.

I just don't understand how I ended up here. Sure, my young life was not great, but I took charge whenever I could. I planned. I made life decisions. I defied my parents (nothing awful, just teenage stuff.) Things didn't always work out the way I hoped but I never gave up on finding acceptable alternatives. Something has happened to that person. I think I am just too beaten down to have the energy or belief in myself, to try any more. I don't believe I can affect change. I have tried self help ideas, professional help, prescription drugs. I have always believed that if something is wrong, tackle it! Think it through, get help if necessary. Confront the problem. But now... I'm just not able to find any solutions that I haven't tried before. You know, the comic definition of insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. I need to do something different but I just don't know what else to try.

Breanne - Yes, I have looked through the program. Respectfully, there doesn't seem to be anything new for me there. Maybe I'm not ready to believe that it will work. I've been too disappointed too many times. I've failed too many times. I do keep a journal of sorts. My thoughts, feelings, some triggering episodes. I started doing that at the request of my first therapist over 15 years ago. Not continuously, but when I am trying to sort things out. Writing my thoughts down has helped identify flaws in my thought patterns, in my logic. But it isn't helping now. I'm just running through the same thoughts over and over.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Suzy,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Have you looked through the program? There are many tools that you may find helpful and useful. Moreoever, we are here for you. We will help, support and encourage you in whatever you need.

You are worth it, and you need to believe that.

Have you thought about keeping a journal?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

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Out of hope