I don't know where to start.
I've been out of work for 9 months - first time in my life - not an ego boosting experience. I took advantage of the opportunity to start reducing my meds, with my dr's knowledge. I've dropped almost half of the drugs I was on back then, and have occasional days of wonderful clarity which I have not felt for a long time. But when the clarity is not there, which is still most of the time, I am without hope. My life will never really get better. When my severance package runs out, how will I support myself, my family? So many people depend on me, and I don't think I'm strong enough to carry that any longer.
I don't feel supported by my family, my loved ones. I have always done so much (at least in my mind) for everyone else, but when was the last time someone voluntarily did anything for me? Even if I ask for someone to do something, I am often ignored.
I guess I have always, really, deeply, down in my soul, believed, and this is at the root of a huge problem that has haunted me all my life, that if I behave, do the right thing, take the high road, give unto others..., that I will get treated well in return. You know what ? That is not the reality I have found. I am not treated fairly. I know the saying that life isn't fair, but my expectations and my value system is based on the fact that life is supposed to be fair, and in fact it IS fair - to everyone else. And because I perceive that life isn't being fair to me, but life IS inately fair, the problem must be with me - I don't deserve it to be fair. I'm not worth treating fairly.
Well, I'm sure you can see where this takes me. People get treated the way they deserve to be treated. And since I don't see anything wrong with the way I behave, since I go out of my way to be generous and self-sacrificing, and I am still treated poorly, the world does not make sense. Reality and expectation do not match. TILT.
Understanding that I am not worth being treated well by others has warped my treatment of myself. I don't treat myself well either. I'm not worth the effort.
So - I know the problem. But I don't have the tools to resolve this issue. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists and aside from showing me some of the signposts pointing to the problem, they have given me no tools to fix it. Understanding where it came from is fine and good, but totally insufficient in helping me move forward.
I think that with the added stress of my continued unemployment, it has all gotten to be more than I can handle. I used to get positive reinforcement from work, but not anymore. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther away from the person I used to be.
I don't know what I expect as a result from typing this note. I don't believe that there is anything that can be done. Possibly this is a last attempt, a hand waving for help from the bottom of the well. I have often felt a bit better, calmer, after I write out my thoughts and feelings. It is often enough just to write private documents, but I feel like I am spinning out of control and am hoping for what - a divine intervention? A bolt of lightning to show me the way out of the well? A glimmer of hope. Something... anything....
