HI everyone. I know I kind of vanished there for a bit. Well, coming off the effexor seems to have been a really good thing for me. I'm not taking Lexapro and it is working so much better. My anxiety is worse but I'm not in tears all the time. I haven't been around because I've been pretty sick. I'm having outpatient surgery tomorrow afternoon. I've been having a lot of problems and have been in a bit of pain. Dispite this, I have been doing better with the depression. I've got a new counselor. I feel I'm moving in the right direction. I've got hope in my corner again. Lady

hi hazel, I think all parents have worries and fears for their children. I worry about not being properly parental and neglecting some of their emotional needs. i was not given a proper example by either dysfunctional parent. I worry about having given them this illness that partially genetic and of teaching them to succomb to the part that is environmental. This is me turn the worry inward. I have seen a host of others turn their worries outward ... A nefew is allergic to half of the things on this planet and his mom blames friends at school (before daycare) of needlessly spreading their germs to infest her poor baby - sensitive to most meds. There are a few parents of my son's friends who want their sweet babies to remain babies and blame any spark of creativity and independance on the bad influence of "those kids"... we live near a low-income housing project... Of course there are the panaply of "almost scientific studies" that blame everything on TV (not on parents who push the same values as the media -buy, think, protect, ME!). So your neighbour sees her insecurites in her surroundings. That is not a judgement of you. If she cannot teach her child that there are severe consequences to smoking that tobacco cies hid for the longest time ... that is her problem. If she thinks that by limiting her child to only the sweet experiences of child-hood she is protecting her baby and teaching him to think about the world he lives in ... well you see where i am going with this Hazel? Like most of us the first person to be attacked is self. I am, I should, how could I??? sometimes it is about the others. sometimes we have absolutely no control over the situation we find ourself facing ... and it is okay to let go! Like here, it is okay to feel miserable for a moment when your integrity is attacked, and then let it go. You have no control over this poor woman who sees the world through a different experience. It is okay to feel bad that your son might have one less friend, but then see that he is a sweet gentle child who still attracts peers towards himself and has other friends. I hope you week is full of little moments that make you smile.

Hi, Hazel... sorry you're having a bad day and suffering the neuroses of your cranky neighbours. Your son has a good mother, and it does you no good to put yourself down. He loves you and depends on you for everything in his young life. You have to stay strong for him. As for yourself, and I know that I'll sound like a born-again smoke Nazi since I just gave up smokes, you'll get all kinds of energy back when you quit (go to the sister-site, stopsmokingcenter.net) and you'll be able to breathe and you'll have a bunch of friends to chat to every day. You start on B Complex vitamins and drink lots of ice cold water and read the programme on-site and you'll start a new life right where you live - no need to run away with your son. Soon enough you'll have the energy and positive attitude you need to play with him and be a bigger part of his life... Take it slowly at work ... do what you can and do it well, my old Ma used to say... OXO

I completely know how you feel .... I am feeling lost ... and unloved... like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to make progress... 2 steps forward and 10 steps back .... I am tired .. and lonely .. and afraid ... part of me really wishes my son had a better mom .. one who is whole and happy ... he deserves that... and yet he got stuck with me .. my return to work has been so scary and surreal .. a bit like I am in a Fellini movie.... I feel lost .. This afternoon my son and his friend (both 9) were outside in the snowy sunshine and playing alien fighters... they had plastic guns and were pretending to shoot down aliens. A neighbour (whom I don't know) was going by and the boys pretended to shoot the alien space ship... the guy stopped and yelled at the boys that he was gonna call the police and that they should not threaten people like that ... the other boys mom has since come over and said that her son was upset and that she doesn't approve of me as a mom and therefore she won't let her son play with mine anymore... she doesn't approve of me because I smoke and I let my son play with plastic guns.... does this make me a ****ty mom? she has the perfect family .. husband, 3 kids , big house .... doesn't she realize how much I try to be a goood mom... its not like my son is dirty, unfed, unsupervised and allowed to do whatever he wants... he is in the gifted program at school and is the sweetest little boy you could ever meet... but yet he is "TROUBLE" .. or rather I am .. so my son is paying another price for having a mom like me ... !!!! My boyfriend and I are on the outs right now and I am so lonely ... I love him so much it scares me ... and yet for him its all about him ... its about what I can do for him and never about me ... When is my life ever going to be about ME ? Is it selfish of me to wish that the people in my life loved me as much ? Is it too much to wish that someone else would shoulder the rock for a while... ? I am tired of pushing the rock up the hill.... and everytime I tell someone they act as if I am a crummy mom and weak for feeling this way ? I think i would be better off starting my life over from scratch... too bad we can't do that ... part of me just wants to take my son and run away .. but I can't do that either... his father has visitation rights ..

You're a fighter and a very strong woman, Lady. I know this from having read your posts over the months past. I buy those callingcards for $20 so I can talk several times a day to my wife in South Africa for short calls... look them up on the web so you can have more chat with your boyfriend. P

Lady, You matter terribly to two little boys who would be forever destroyed if they lost you.

Lady, We encourage you to go through the 10 questions of thought challenging. What evidence is there that this is true? Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Golf was ok but sucked at the same time. While my 14 yr old and I enjoyed it my 6 year old kept complaining it was too cold and whined the entire time. I should have known better than to take him golfing after school. He was tired and hungry and didn't care to be there. I am NOT better today. If anything I am worse. I have a constant reminder that I am alone and no one cares about me. I just came back from the doctor and I have to have surgery. A female thing. Surgery that can be done as outpatient and will only require a couple of days off from work. I just need someone to take me and help me out for a few days. Well guess what? There isn't anyone!!!! Call it a pity pott if you like. I really don't care anymore. I find very little meaning in my even being present in this world anymore. Situational or not I simply don't matter.

and how did the family golf game go?? I received a funny golf explanation... Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. I hope you are better today ... I hope your dark cloud is only a spring shower

We are going to play golf! That is just perfect! The boys will be suprised. I'm leaving now to pick them up.