Good advice. Thank you.

hi lady, remember, they have to learn that you are human and have a full range of emotions to Express... from your tears they will learn sympathy, vunerability, anger, and -depression- and they will learn the proper expression of these strong emotions that no one wants to touch. tears, talk, cuddles and kisses.

Lady, Your a great mom! Make sure you take care of you first. Each child learns from others and they can learn that it is ok to take care of yourself first. You are doing a great job and know that you already are that "rock" you speak of. Your perseverance and determination is a credit to your wonderful being and this is a lesson in itself. Your children have a great model to look up to..you :) Josie, Support Specialist

I have come to the understanding and accepting the challenge that I must be the "Rock" for my boys. We have eachother and that is it. I'm the mom. I'm the one who has to keep it together for their sake. I must be firm and solid and a good example for them. My tears, discouragement and insecurity will only create the same in them or give them some sense of mom being weak. We can't have that. I can fall apart all I want to behind closed doors but in front of them I must be the stubborn, successful woman they have come to know. I can do this. We can do anything for our children and for the sake of our children. Right????

hi lady, I was curious ... my early experience with my sister paved lots of my thought patterns so in some ways I am ready for the turbulance of the teen years my children will live through. I didn't have older family there to critize and judge me when I chose to follow a certain course ... such as sexual activites... I kept them apart physically until I got the 5 year old whinning! THen I explained - I know that you are looking for affection and commitment, I can see it in how you act and react, But he is a boy and is looking for a physical thrill. He all but attmitted it to my boyfreind. Sweetie, you are not ready for an adult relationship and sex is a big part of it. blah, blah, blah. Then I got the tears and screams - what do you know about it. You were so perfect. you found you chouette the first try and now absolut perfection! I acctually had to open my closet door! I pulled out the six or seven skeletons from my 15th year. I felt that I was going to toss-cookies! Just remembering my 15th summer still makes me sick! Well, the water works turned off and I got the stunned-dear-in-headlites reaction. It did not change her choises. But my home was not her motel room. She did ask a lot of intelligent questions so I guess I chipped a hole in that wall. So my question... I wanted to be an authority to my sister to be sure she followed the straight and narrow path. Also, I needed to instill some basic values she did not leard as a child of 5. I also wanted to be a big sister. I wanted to be able to share all the gorey details of our lives. What do you want with your children? Whant do you hope they will see when they look back in 10 years from now? I know that we are not supposed to worry about the future, we need to live in the hear and now. But we need goals and objectives, and hope. What do you hope to share with this turbulant person when the hurricane passes?

Lady, You've been given some great responses from your fellow members. Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your son makes. Kids screw up, especially teens. All you can do sometimes is to keep making the right choices available to him and help support him through the bad ones. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist

lady, OOOo the teen years, boys are especially tough. My son seemed to loose the ability to speak from 13 until 20. It was just a grunt. never sat on the sofa but layed across it with his large feet on the coffe table. Trainers left especially to trip you up, one in the hall as you walked in the door, the other in the lounge. He seemed to take up all the room in the house, his stuff everywhere. His total lack of enthusiasm for anything other than hanging out with his friends was more than frustrating, but i was well then and could argue my case. How difficult it must be for you when you are feeling so desperate. Teenagers seem to have a me me me brain and the whole world is revolving around them. Try not to take his behaviour personally, he is not being mean to you. I know that is difficult, you were doing so well, you are doing so well. Hang on in there. Your son will come right but unfortunately not before he is an adult. Just pile up his stuff and throw it in his room and tell him if he wants to live in a mess he must keep his mess and attitude to himself. You will still love him but prefer your part of the house to be ordered. Be firm and strong. He needs boundrys. I remember my son really moaning about how I wouldnt allow him to go to this club, he was only 16. I was the worst mum in the world, but later he admitted he actually didnt want to go but also didnt want to loose face with his friends so it was easier for him to say he wasnt allowed. You can do this. You can. Hold on. x

Hey dumpling... I thought I was the only one to do that.... When my husband was still my boyfriend and co-loc I found it strange his laundry was so nicely folded! and when I realised I was the one who floded the stuff! I hit the roof!!! I occasionally do his laundry (ink stains that are not from washing pens - Christmas outfits - etc). it has been nearly 15 years now. And I am about to start with my 9 yr old son who dumps clothes and towels all over his floor and the bathroom floor! Lady. I know that a teenaged person in the house is tough! I am 8 years older than my 1/2 sister and she was my legal charge from the time she was 15 to 21. She was spoiled rotten by her previous guardian - our grandmother. I remember the arguments. I still cannot pronounce "why me" in the house otherwise my gentle teddy-bear husband turns into a grizzly. My nine year old son is now starting some of the transtion behaviors. why do I have to go? why can't I stay home? I'll do it later? I want ...freedom, liberty, trust, and to be cuddled far from my friends !!! I'll give you some of the tasty stuff from my sister's growth tonight. Right now we just dumped a ton of paper on my desk of the afternoon meeting! :mad:

Thank you dumpling. You really helped.

No husband is definitely preferable to an abusive one. But still, the single mother thing does suck. At 14 it is time for the long journey towards taking responsibility for himself. It is not easy for parent or child. I think the hardest part is knowing when to give them rope and when you rein them in. More and more they start needing to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences, but they still need and want boundaries. And one day they act like they are 3 and the next day 30. And it even changes from moment to moment. I think the best way of thinking about these difficult years is as a series of letting go and teaching them responsibility. Barbara Coloroso has written a series of books that are very common sense approaches to parenting. Well worth reading (if you can ever find the time!!! some titles are "Parenting through Crisis", The Bully the Bullied and the Bystander", Kids are Worth it!" and "Just because it's not Wrong Doesn't Make it Right" She talks a lot about "natural consequences" You don't punish the child, you force them into natural consequences. For example, the laundry. I had a similar problem when my sons were 12 and 13. I would wash they clothes and put fold them into a wash basket. They were to put them away and give me the dirty wash at the end of the week. I kept seeing the same clothes in the wash and when I saw the same shorts 2 weeks in a row in the middle of winter, I lost it. I told them how hard I worked to both work and keep things clean and told them that, as far as I could tell, they were just wearing clothes out of the basket and making me wash clean clothes along with the dirty ones they put back into the basket and that because of that I would NEVER wash their clothes again. I showed them how to wash their clothes and I never again touched any of their clothes until the oldest was 32 and I was visiting and I threw a few of his clothes in with mine and put them away when they were dry. Natural consequences. Extreme? I don't think so. they were old enough to learn to take responsibility for their own clothes and if they didn't do it they wouldn't have clean clothes to wear. And later, their late teens, when I could afford a housekeeper twice a month, they wouldn't LET her wash their clothes.