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Going back to the beginning of anxiety.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi JayDee,

First of all, good for you for asserting yourself! That takes guts. Especially if you are used to being passive.

The thing is though, it takes practice to be assertive and some people require quite a bit of assertiveness.

The thing is, most people have patterns of reacting and if this person has developed a pattern with interacting with you it can be hard to break. As you know JayDee, the only way to break an old pattern is to create a new one. This can take time and effort. Assertiveness is essential but also positive reinforcement. If they are acting in a way that was helpful and not anxiety provoking give them praise and thank them in an appropriate way. Also, what are the consequences if they act in a way that is harmful to you? How do you handle it?

Also, to help you think of core beliefs. When have you felt like this before with another person? Does this person remind you of anyone from your childhood? Or perhaps you knew this person in your childhood? If so, what was you relationship with them like then?

Keep trying and you will get there. I think it inspiring how determined you are to take this on.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 219

I didn't give up finding an answer. It all boils down to boundaries and then setting consequences for when those boundaries are crossed. If there are no consequences, the actions will continue repeatedly. With that being known now, it makes this seem easier. Anyone who has set boundaries knows this isn't so. It's easy with children. With adults it's much more difficult when you share the same space with them.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 219

When I responded to Ashley's response about not being able to change a person, but it being possible to influence, I didn't take into consideration all of the responses afterwards and in no way was it meant towards Davit.

Being vague about this trigger person is part of this being a safe forum and remaining anonymous. I'm sorry for the confusion and am just looking for answers on how to deal with this person as a trigger towards my anxiety and panic.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

One could get the wrong impression from the post before last that I might be that specific person. Well I could be because I do push people, but I'm not.

I do know what JayDee is talking about because I was at one time in the same situation and have gone through it again. People more than anything else seem to me to be the hardest triggers to deal with. It is hard to be a social creature when there is no chance for social. So I have become very good at not being social. But more people are becoming that way. Living in their own circle of family and friends and hardly talking to anyone else unless they have to. Talking to people on the internet and being careful what they reveal. Mindless conversation in an attempt to be social that falls short. But when there is nothing at home and no one you do things with what is left.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 219

Ashley,

I set the boundaries, I went over and beyond with my emotional feelings with this specific person. I explained what I expected and what I wanted from this relationship with said person. All of these things went over well for a few days and then it was back to the same things again. Now I am back to feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I'm wondering if it's me letting the situation slide back into the same routine or if it is said person. I'd most likely say it's not me, but I'm passive, so I have to wonder if I need to work stronger on my assertiveness skills. I won't give up on me, because I really hate panic attacks. Maybe it's time to give up on trusting someone else's word and just concentrate on my own word. I'm still trying to find the core belief and trigger for changing how I react to said person.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 219

Thank you Ashley,

Davit is good at challenging my thoughts and I'm good at nit picking my brain for answers. I've learned a lot being here since June. I continue to learn daily to find answers and challenge myself to prevent panic attacks. It's a good progress.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Ashley

I would say that the person is only a trigger that sends thoughts to core beliefs and the core belief is the cause of the reaction. You see if the core belief said this persons actions are not important then that person would make you mad but not cause a panic reaction. It would just be same old, same old. But if you have a core belief telling you otherwise then you would get the reaction it demands.

Take the post, "what bugs you", the triggers are very similar but the reactions different and this can only be because the core beliefs are different.

You can change a person by doing all the things you suggest. this is what "pedasi"is supposed to do, but it can't work if the person won't listen and doesn't agree.

Pondering something is good for memory in that it gives us choices. Worry is bad because it gives us no choices or only one bad choice. Use pondering to counter worry. Come up with an answer. Stimulate your memory, it is good for you.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Wow, awesome work you two!

The more we ponder something and the more knowledge we gain the better able we can address it. It can take time but it certianly is worth it. I think Davit makes an excellent point - it all goes back to core beliefs. I wonder what this person is triggering in you? Where did it come from and how do you want to change it?

The only thought I have to share is that JayDee - you said you can't change a person... this is very true but sometimes we can influence a person. Being assertive by setting boundaries, being clear about our feelings and needs and being able to specifically ask for what we want can positively influence other people. I wonder if some boundaries need to be set? Or maybe just a clear discussion?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 219

Davit,

You should consider being a therapist. You knew I wouldn't give up. I respect that about you and the challenges you present me with.

I know that part of this is because of the PTSD and part of it is what has repeatedly been said to me in a negative way over the years. Someone who's opinion mattered and whom I valued their opinion led me to change my usual way of thinking and replaced it with negatives like unsafe, fault, horrible, and negative what ifs. That in itself likely changed my core belief and made me question my ability to problem solve when dealing with stressful events or situations. It has also led to low self esteem along with the anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. Dealing with an aggressive personality for a long period of time made me weak.

The good news is I'm paying attention to this now. There will be no sway of the negatives I have worked hard to change to positives. With this forum and the CBT, along with numerous books I've read, I can spot the manipulation, the subtle coercion, influence and the negative comments that I once believed as truth or let drag me down. I am taking a stand and taking control of my life regardless of this persons feelings. (That felt good to type/say) Now, it's all about changing the negative core belief so my automatic thoughts are positive and not based off someone elses influence.

I'm looking forward to driving tomorrow. I have my mental box prepared. My space, My time, no intrusions of negative people, worry talk or thoughts allowed.

That led me to

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

So having thought on this a bit, have you come up with an answer? I don't see you as being a person to give up easy. It also sounds like there might be a core belief interfering, blocking you from getting an answer. Wondering if this person or someone similar is the cause of this possible core belief. I could be wrong but you know how strongly I believe in core beliefs. I'm wondering if you were conditioned to accept this persons influence even before this person became such a focus and if this is why you can't change. I'm treading on personal ground here, sorry. I'm not a Therapist, I have no right to do that. But still it is a thought kicking round my head.

Davit.

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Going back to the beginning of anxiety.