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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

planning for exposure work

I just wanted to post this AM to say that I am probably taking a break from posting so much for now. This is a good break because I feel like i have a much better handle on my anxiety and my negative thoughts and the relationship between them.

I processed a lot of grief and anger since starting the program. there were days I couldn't stop crying and there were 3-4 day periods where I felt awful and angry and upset. Then I had a couple of really good days where everything felt like it was in place and I felt content and peaceful with things as they came. And in the last few days I have felt really tired. I am able to cook and do easy things like organize fabric or mow the lawn, but when I try to do a lot of thinking work or paying attention to details I need to remember I start to feel fuzzy mentally. I take these as signs to take a break and rest. We all need rest.

One of the negative beliefs / thoughts I grew up with was "never rest" - sort of "idle hands are devils workshop" sort of thinking that my grandparents had. I internalized a belief that rest is bad. I am digging up a major core belief by the roots by continually catching myself when i start to feel bad for resting and puttering the last few days and then saying "I deserve this".

I am starting to believe that I deserve to rest, and to have pleasure each day. It feels weird and good at the same time when I say "I deserve to rest and enjoy myself right now" to myself. I keep saying it. I say it every time i start to feel bad about resting. I can literally remember to myself what some of the people in my past used to say when I was tired "How long do you plan to be like this" they would demand in anxious and unsupportive, exasperated voice. I hear it as their voice now, not mine which is progress. I know which beliefs are mine and which are theirs.

So that is where I am in the program. I thought I would give an update because even being in front of the computer feels too tiring right now but I think about everyone else here and hope everyone is doing well with where they are in the program. I want to lend as much encouragement and support as I can because this site has been so helpful.

I am sure I will be back soon. Take care everyone!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Can´t sleep... again

I am familiar with this cycle- you wake up, you start thinking, those thoughts lead to increasing anxiety, and you start worrying about your anxiety robbing you of your sleep, how you'll function in the am when you have to be 'on' for work, so on.

Yep, I've been there. It sucks.

Keep posting here, that is one thing that helped me a lot in the last month to get a handle on how to think differently about your anxiety. The words you used in this post stuck out for me: "felt trapped" , "virtually no defenses built up", "dissapointed for not having dealt with this sooner". First, those are all thoughts I've had many times. you are not alone. Second, these thoughts are part of your anxiety. I think of this as the anxiety talking. The reality is that you have some 'defenses' built up, but in the moment, we don't focus on our strengths. we start to feel we have none. Our anxiety makes us feel a trapped feeling. It is horrible. I totally agree.

The word defenses stuck out for me. Yes we want to challenge our negative thoughts so as to seperate ourselves from them but defense also gives this idea of being at odds with yourself. You want to see yourself as needing attention and care and nurutring, not someone you have to defend yourself against. I may have mis read or mis interpreted what you meant here but I see the word defenses as maybe part of a belief that you have to protect yourself from your anxiety. I say this as someone who has felt that way myself countless times. and still do when the anxiety ramps up. it is really hard to remain friends with myself in those moments where the anxiety is ramping up. But it makes a difference when I do manage it. It really does.

Waking up wiht anxiety is not somethign you are alone in experiencing. You can build those skills you want to build. You can have the sleep you crave having (a full night!).

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Not What I thought

Hi Kendra,

My heart goes out to you. This is tough. One thing I did when I started t orealise one of my new jobs wasn't what I thought was I applied for other jobs. It gave me some hope becuse it confirmed, yes, there are other jobs out there. Is this a posisbility for you? We all deserve a respectful workplace. It is possible the late pay is not a sign of full on dysfuntion at that center, it is possible it is. Hard to know right now since you are new there.

I agree with everyone's suggestions here too. Is it possible for you to offer to help with some of the smaller issues you see as problems there? Sometimes it is hard in a workplace for the 'new' person to be given jobs that change things up. People get nervous. If you can start with something small to change, that probably works better based on the fact you aer new there. Not that the problems you see are not valid, but that I have yet to see many employers keen to let a new employee change the bigger aspects of the operation right off the hop. just my 2 cents.

If you can stick it out for a while, there is always the chance that some of the people who are doing thigns you don't agree with may leave. I have had that happen as well. I am ok with admiting it is a pleasant surprise when someone who isn't working co-operatively moves on to a job away from me. We want to work with people we respect and respect us right? Hang in there if you can. Struggle to find the positives, the positive 'what ifs' as Davit says.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

planning for exposure work

Hi Ashley,

Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been driven most of my life to establish emotional health within myself and have tried all sorts of things to do that. This program is the best approach so far although many approaches have helped over the years in different smaller ways.

It is really nice to hear that you think I am insightful and self aware. i wish my partner said those things about me to me (without me asking, because then i'm prompting the answer). I am not sure I am being celebrated for being insightful and brave (which you have to be to look into yourself). My ability to see into myself (and now to talk more clearly about what i want and need thanks to the assertiveness that comes from managing the anxiety) isn't being cherished. I am up against someone who has their own set of negative core beliefs. Which prevent this person from expressing positivity towards me. I am often told I am attacking them when really I am just being assertive about what i want (for the first time ever). I admit I don't always say things in the right way with my new found voice. I want to be given time and forgivness. I apparenlty am wearing this person out. Unlike most of the people around us, I am challenging my dragons, not letting them run my life. I am not speaking the same language as the people around me who are not addressing their dragons. And they don't want to hear me talk about my work and how far I've come.

I am sitting here, and reminding myself to focus on positive what ifs, and also to just let myself feel the pain that comes from realizing that a person I fell in love with may not choose emotional intimacy with me now that it is a real option (now that my anxiety is much better managed and I know how to challenge each negative thought that comes into my head.

I am stuck waiting. It is painful. I am sure I am not the first person to manage their anxiety only to realize it changed them and they have to wait for their partner to decide what to do about that change. I am not being engaged with emotionally or intellectually in my relationship unless I am upset and then I am consoled. But I want so much more than that. However, this is out of my control. It is a hard realization that we do not control what our partner gives or shares with us. I can only wait and let them show me through consistent behaviour, who they are and what they value for themselves. This is a hard lesson. Lots of tears this AM. We all want to be cherished and loved for who we are, and celebrated for our hard work chaining up our dragons. people with lots of dragons running wild in their head are not available to celebrate with me. this sucks.

Without this forum I would feel alone. I don't have much to offer anyone today, but wanted to share this in case it helps. Your words mean a lot to me. Because I do wonder if I am self-aware, or insightful or if I am a babbling know it all. I don't want to be the latter. I want to see into myself and befriend myself and understand the world around me, just like anyone else. The way I am going about my life, taking time out to address my dragons, seems odd to people around me. Part of me feels odd, and your words made me feel less odd, and understood or at least recognized and seen for who I am and who I work to be more of.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Davit, this explanation you give for codependency is really helpful. thanks for posting it.

I agree with you, I think it is upbringing too from what I've seen.

When codependents have children, they almost cannot help targetting their children it seems. This robs the child of a childhood. childhood is where we go through important, fundamental, human development processes. being targeted by a co dependent parent derails all of that. Your explanation clarified this for me in a new way. The way you explain things is really useful.

a person who was targeted as a child can either become a codependent when they grow up, or continue being a target, or do the growing up they didn't get a chance to do when they were the right age to do it the first time around. this is not easy work. i have a hard time finding my way to forgiveness for the codependent people stil lin my life who are still targeting people i love. for me personally i have stopped contact with the codependent people who targeted me. there was no room for me to grow up or be myself while constantly targeted by them. it never changed and it never got better and like you say, they refuse to admit they have a problem and in their experienc,e they really don't unless yo ucount the people they lose who get fed up with their antics. its all very exhausting dealing with this stuff.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Medications that can worsen anxiety symptoms

This is good to know about meds.

I cut down on coffee after reading that reducing it might help with my anxiety. I have been drinking less for a few weeks now and have had fewer attacks, so I am going to keep my intake of caffeine low now.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hello there everybody.

Hi Brittany.

Wow! At your age I had symptoms but didn't find this kind of help and I think you are going to find a lot of relief by following this program. I have been here about a month, and suffered anxiety for years without relief except distraction and avoidance. I think it is great you found this site and have started posting here. Post as much as you like here, the people here are really helpful.

I am going to eat some chocolate now because your story got me craving a bit of it!

Welcome!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

update, challenging the self talk progress

Hello everyone,

First I wanted to thank Davit specifically for all your posts during the last month to me and to others. This month I have had more gains than years prior with other counselling and your posts have been a part of that for sure. No question.

I think it is a month since I joined. My last big attack was 2 weeks ago.

Today I still have a lot of 'what if' and worry thoughts but I challenge every single one of them, to greater or lesser degrees throughout the day (and night). Sometimes I explore them in depth and sometimes I distract myself for a while.

I have much greater emotional awareness than I did a month ago. When I feel something, I don't automatically start to panic anymore.

When I do "go inside" myself and take apart or analyze a negative thought or core belief, I do so in a more managed fashion. Once I've felt I exhausted the process for the time being I move on and take a bath or something relaxing. And (this is key) I don't feel bad about that anymore. whereas I used to feel bad about relaxing and enjoying myself. I still have the thoughts "do you deserve this bath / chocolate bar" but I answer yes now instead of letting the thought eat away at me.

Thanks to Davit's posts and explanations about feelings and other things, I feel comfortable feeling sad for the first time in my life. I am able to feel something without anxiety and panic joining in as unwelcome sidekicks.

When i am sad or frustrated I repeat in my head "I am sad. This will pass. It always does." and it is true. And I let myself be sad. Some days I am sad once, or 3 times or 6 times, and that is OK. No one is harmed by me being sad and needing to let out some tears for 10 or 15 minutes. I believe this now.

When I read the posts here now where people say this program works, i believe it, whereas when I joined, I wanted to believe it, but didn't believe it as much as I do now.

This work on myself has changed what I expect from people around me in terms of respecting my needs, and respecting me in general. When I am misunderstood, I still get angry which is ok, except I lash out at people verbally when I am angry and I don't want to do that. There is work to do there. I don't walk away when I am angry and I know that is the only sane option. Arguments don't go anywhere good when I am angry. I know that, I just need to practice walking away and being ok with being angry without letting the negative thoughts ramp up while I am feeling angry.

I have stopped pursuing a couple specific friendships where I was previously doing all the work (the one to phone them, ask them to go to dinner, etc.. and they never reciprocated). I have realized I want more equitable friendships. I hope that maybe these friends, whom I've had for a while and had good times with, will pick up the ball and ask how I am doing but I know that may not happen and that this is not the end of the world.

Now that i've stopped trying to make people in my life my caretakers, I am more lonely, but less panicked about this. Yes today I will have to keep busy or else I will probably easily spiral into thinking the worst about my relationships ending and no one being there for me as a friend or support person, but I am on the right path. Over time, the way I want to think will become more and more habitual. The thoughts I don't want to have will get buried over more. It does take time, and in the meantime I have to do things I am not comfortable with - patience, and letting go of trying to control other people in my life. This is the hardest thing I face today but it is absolutely necessary and I know that.

I wanted to post this to let people know how the process works for me. Everyone's pace and process is a bit different here from what I've read, but I know it is helpful to new people espeically to see people's progress.

I am sure i have some low times ahead. Emotions are my triggers and you can't live without emoting. Well you can try, I did, but it isn't good. But I am going to stick by myself more now.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

update, challenging the self talk progress

Hi Ashley,

I guess I could have posted in success stories, I feel like I"m still challenging the self talk and look forward to feeling I've successfuly tackled more before I post in the success story section. Although each day is a success in itself.

The parts I found most helpful for me personally was weeks 1-3. tracking the negative thoughts (realizing I had so many I couldn't write them all down and still get anythign done in a day was surprising), challenging the negative thoughts and understanding the concept of exposure as it related to me. My panic was related to fear of abandonment rather than specific places like tall buildings. So it took a while to wrap my head around the concept of exposure. Then there was the day I realised that I am exposed to my trigger every day because it is my emotions. So unless I actively distracted myself from having emotions I was doing exposure work every day. It was exhausting at times, and I posted just a few days ago how tired I was.

The sections on grief and loss, and relationships and resolving conflict are really well written and are helpful, i go back and read them often. On day 1 I had no way of knowing this program was going link my lack of assertiveness, avoidance of conflict and my anxiety together.

The forum has been really important for me because I didn't have a support person. that really bothered me and the idea of dealing with a panic alone still doesn't thrill me but I know I will get through it. It just won't feel good,but I feel like I've broken the vicious cycle of my life where I attracted "friends" who were never there for me when I needed a friend and then got upset and anxious that I didn't have any supportive people in my life, which made me more anxious and more desperate to go out and get more friends, which led to finding more people who were not avaible as supportive people for whatever reason, and on and on the cycle has gone. Now I know that as an assertive person who is more comfortable with my feelings, I'll attract and be attracted to other people who are also comfortable with themselves and seeking reciprical friendships and the irony is that the more I feel this way, the less I probably will need a person to help me through the panic times. Having support will alwasy be nice, but I won't feel desperate about needing it anymore. I hope.

I still feel susceptible to a panic attack occuring if/ when the "perfect storm" occurs which is: me tired, being demanded by others to take care of them, and not enough time to rest or process my own feelings. Being in spaces where I am not allowed to express myself (because of the issues of others) ignites frustration. That frustration grows, and eventually I burst at the seams in anger. Right now I am avoiding those kinds of spaces to some degree. I am making friends with myself (at your wise suggestion). This new friend isn't quite sure what to do in spaces where she can't be her full self. she is never completely denied her self expression, but parts of her are accepted here, parts there, with different people she is allowed to be a bit of this, a bit of that (i.e. some people respond well when I am being talkative, others make me feel uncomfortable for being myself). She is probably not quite sure how to be herself but not throw her self in anyone's face. She is probably not sure (having little practice) how to be ok with people not knowing how to take her sometimes, just based on personality differences. She still gets offended when someone is cranky around her, becausee she judges them as either not taking good enough care of themselves before coming out to socialize with her, and worried they will make her responsible for trying to feel better. So there's lots of work ahead.

This program provides the tools needed to address anxiety. I deeply hope that doctors and counsellors increase their own education around this so that they can effectively advise patients how to cure anxiety instead of just giving people pills indefinitely. this is much better than just being told to live with it and take pills for ever - which I have worried about as being my only optin and I know others worry about that too. its like when there was finally a cure for polio or any other illness. there is a cure for anxiety. hooray.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

One Step a time

Hi Red,

I smiled when i logged in this AM and saw your new avatar. Awesome! Your quilt looks fantastic. You chose really happy colours! Love it.

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