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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hi kelly

Silly question, of course you would be welcome here. And warmly too. We are here for each other. Even if you think your problem is trivial tell us we want to help. Post often, I am never too busy to read it.

Here for you

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Kelly,

Welcome to the group! Yes, a new member would be warmly welcomed. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself? What brought you to the site?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

Hello !

I am also a new member. Would a newcomer be warmly welcome here? Good day you guy !

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

The problems with codependent people in the milder form is that it is often not noticed for what it is. Another problem is that the codependent blames the target people when they leave, it is always some one else's fault. As for children they mimic what they see so there is a good chance they will follow in there parents foot steps. There was a time when teachers and neighbours were allowed to correct children. Now they are so protected from even there own parents how can they be straightened out in the first years when it is most possible. Even day care where interaction with other children would show the first signs has such restrictions. Besides if you were a co dependent adult would you accept that your child was showing the same behaviour. I do not know what the answer is because only a co dependent person can change themselves and they won't recognize it is there. It is scary and I have gone back through my history looking for any possibility that I might have been. I remember my brother telling me perfectionism was a family trait and me believing it. I was very picky about any work I did. But Although I saw other peoples work as being not up to par, I did not step in and take over. I let them do it even if I thought it was wrong. See that is the fine line between perfectionism and codependence. A codependent's work might not even be up to snuff but they don't see it, they still think their way is the only way. I have a friend who has redone his deck three times because it was not good enough. He is just a perfectionist, not codependent.

I have to check with my therapist to see if there is a way to cure this or broach the subject. I have a friend who fights the tendency and I can feel the strain she goes through. There is also some literature saying this is a true disease, not just a condition. Either way it is hell for both the target and the codependent. The codependent person keeps losing people out of their life and can't understand or accept why. I still am of the feeling that if a person wants to cure a mental condition they can but they have to want to. If alcohol and drugs can be cured why not this too. (statement not a question)

This, like attachment theory doesn't affect how the program works, it is still the same process it just is interesting knowledge and if nothing is read into either, that is not there, it gives explanation to why some people are the way they are. Probably not necessary to know even.

One thing I used to be was passive/aggressive and did not know it till it was pointed out to me.

I have changed that to assertive to get rid of the mood swings. It was also a contributing factor in my panic attacks at night. Lately because I'm tired panic has been sneaking up on me but now it just rolls on by. I know it is passing by, it just does not bother me enough to become an attack.

Here for you,

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Davit, this explanation you give for codependency is really helpful. thanks for posting it.

I agree with you, I think it is upbringing too from what I've seen.

When codependents have children, they almost cannot help targetting their children it seems. This robs the child of a childhood. childhood is where we go through important, fundamental, human development processes. being targeted by a co dependent parent derails all of that. Your explanation clarified this for me in a new way. The way you explain things is really useful.

a person who was targeted as a child can either become a codependent when they grow up, or continue being a target, or do the growing up they didn't get a chance to do when they were the right age to do it the first time around. this is not easy work. i have a hard time finding my way to forgiveness for the codependent people stil lin my life who are still targeting people i love. for me personally i have stopped contact with the codependent people who targeted me. there was no room for me to grow up or be myself while constantly targeted by them. it never changed and it never got better and like you say, they refuse to admit they have a problem and in their experienc,e they really don't unless yo ucount the people they lose who get fed up with their antics. its all very exhausting dealing with this stuff.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Davit: not sure, think my mom was, but it is very complicated to me right now. As I wrote, need to study it and understand it well before putting labels on anybody. I'm very busy right now with all sorts of things happening at the same time. I don't know why it happens this way but it does. Taking good care of myself so I don't get that overwhelmed feeling. Doing pretty good about it. :) Eyes hurting again, darn, I look like a bat with those red eyes at Hallowe'en, but unlike the bats, mine are burning. haha Ah well, grateful that it isn't affecting the vision area of the eye.

your adopted friend. I like how you signed off, Uncle Davit. That was really nice.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sunny

My therapist warned me to be careful with codependency because it can be mistaken for other things. But I found when people are codependent they fit the profile like a glove. An example.

A person can be over caring, doing every thing for you out of compassion but willing to let you help or be involved, They just feel a need to help.

The codependent person feels the target person is not capable of taking care of them self and that if they try they will get it wrong so they have to do it. Only the codependent person is capable of doing it right. Depending on how set a person is there can be aggression. Depending on the target persons personality. The target person can develop acceptance, aggression, or a core belief that they are not good enough do to constant exposure. Outside influences can change the target persons reaction from one form to another. In my case as target person I went from having a core belief to assertiveness bordering on aggression. The codependent person has extreme difficulty accepting that they are and changing. But it can be done. Some studies say it is hereditary. Some say genetic. I think it is a product of upbringing.

I know for a fact that codependent persons can stay in a relationship long enough to have children. Whether they pass on the trait I don't know yet but I am checking it out. For the codependent person to do damage the target person has to be relatively passive.

When you do check this out let me know your impression. Do you know some one who might be either codependent or target? I realize now that I have a profile to fit people to that I know a few people like this in various stages, from mild to very aggressive. The very aggressive I tended to avoid and categorize as jerks because I did not understand them. One other thing that distinguishes them from people with hormonal mood swings is that they have been that way consistently and long term. You can see where if you were the target person it could contribute to panic attacks or panic disorder alcoholism or drug use as an escape.

Still in the case of the target person, thankfully the cure for panic attacks is still the same all you benefit is knowing the reason for the negative core belief and this is only one reason for them.

Here for you,

your friend

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Cleo: don't worry about your spelling. Did you notice my new word? I was thinking about reconciliation and meant to type reconcile, and it came out as reconciliate. I don't think that's a word, lol.

Davit: I think I need to research codependency! I think there was lots of that in our family. Interesting.

As for "let the kid cry" I remember a very bad nightmare I had when I just turned 5. Let's just say, no one came to my bedside to help me even if I called to them.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

sunny

I will be honest, since there is no pain in my teeth I have been putting off getting it done. I tell myself I'm too busy but the truth is I just do not want another operation. No worries, Tracy ( my therapist) will not let me get away with that too long.

Cleo

Things in a persons life can change from one child to another. And even the primary care person can change if the mother has to go out to work. Or worked during the first year of one child and not the other. But here again if the mother has to work and the primary care person gives the child the same secure care and attention as the mother would (should but not always so) then both children grow the same, feeling safe and feeling they have a safe place to explore from. What you do with a child for the first 11 months seems to be critical. But even a child with a bad start can change to secure with the right attention during that period up to seven. Are you wondering why we are not all messed up? It is because mothers are hard wired to nurture. Only when outside circumstances interfere does this change. Such as a dominant father saying "let the kid cry, I want him to grow up tough" It actually does the opposite because the child has no secure base to go out and be tough from.

Life is tough but fortunately even at my age we are still malleable enough to repair the damage done by a life of false beliefs. We can change to what we would like to be. Knowledge is the key, practice is the way and believing is the answer.

Living proof this is true.

Uncle Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Sweatbee, Davit, and Sunny,

Sunny...so happy to hear you had a nice day, and your BP is good! ya! But more drops, yuck! And pain/ nausea, thats not easy to live with, but no more BBlockers next month! ya! Its like a Rollar coaster, so many positives, then so many negatives. Thanks for the accolades (sp) I don't have spellcheck...at least I think I don't?

I can't imagine my life without having someone, or thing, to care for, I guess I need to feel needed....there 's probably some psychoanalysist out there prescribing something for me right now! ha., I just wish there wasn't so much BS and people making oodles of money off our eldery. (Not me) There, my rant for today.

Hey Uncle Davit... I read your posts with much interest. (again) as you know, I have only 2 sons, and I'm the youngest of 6. I have to wonder if there is some genetic disposition too. I HOPE not! I have heard the saying "the Heir and the Spare" ...how demeaning! but, as a mother, I realize that we do things differently with each child. I, (We) were more leniant on Son#1than #2 because we were so in love with him...ya, I was one of those young mothers that was totally awed by having a child so "perfect"..until he was 3 or 4 and got kicked out of Tiny Tots! haha. As for your post on Co-dependance, sounds a lot like the way my father was. Thanks for teaching me that. I used to think he was a Type A, but I now I think Co-dependant. Probably from his miserable childhood with Serbian parents. I don't know that to be true.

Even though I fully accept blood not being thicker than water, why do I feel bad that your lineage is gone after you? A Negative Core Thought?

Sweatbee, First, I didn't even know til a while back that there is such a thing a Sweatbee....sorry, I'm scared of wasps and bees...I saw that Stupid movie when I was a kid about killer bees. I love your phrase....so true! Mind you I have to look up what mense means..I will! I don't think you overstepped at all..We are all here for eachother.

I am going to make supper, Hubby's away, I get to eat whatever I like..again , so tonight its a chicken wrap!

Be back in the morning

Cleo

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