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Posts created by Jynx

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hello

I have to fight a compulsion to stand up and say my name out loud :)

I have closet depression (my own made up term). The reason I call myself that is when I'm on my own I feel like my world has caved in. I feel useless and unproductive. When I'm with family or my only friend, I'm all charm and smiles. I always have excellent, common sense advice for people in trouble. I'm self assured. Until I meet a stranger that I think is smarter and/or more attractive than me.

I've suffered for many years before I was diagnosed. The last therapist I've seen (about 2 years ago) has been brilliant, but due to cost I've been unable to continue treatment. I've been on anti-depressants, without success. I've stopped taking them all together due to the high cost of medication, before we could find a anti-depressant that would work for me.

I also suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and as a result I'm Insulin Resistant. I've picked up a substantial amount of weight over the course of about 3 years because of my sugar problem, which didn't help the depression either. We have no kids (PCOS has left me sterile).

My husband is an angel. Which makes me feel worse sometimes. When I'm going through a bad patch, he'll take over in the kitchen. I'm suppose to be a house maker, but the only thing I can do really well is sit and do nothing the whole day. By 11 every morning I feel panicked because the day is halfway through and I haven't done a thing. No cleaning, no dishes.. I can't remember the last time I've made the bed. The rest of the day is spent feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for STILL not getting up to do anything.

I know I should change my lifestyle if I ever hope to see an improvement in my fertility. I should eat better (actually I should just eat.. eating is just so much effort!) and I should exercise.. even if just for 1 minute every morning. I know if I tell myself in the mirror every morning that I'm ugly, I'll believe it. I also know that the opposite is true. If I give myself positive reinforcement, it will work.

I just couldn't be bothered with anything.

Signing up on this website has been exhausting. But reading through the forums has been encouraging. It's good to see like-minded people who are focused on sharing and others who don't judge.

I didn't plan on saying this much. I tend to not speak of what goes on inside me, and when I do it's a bit like an avalanche.

I hope that I will find some help.. even if just a little until we're in a financial position to resume treatment again.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hello

Thank you Josie.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hello

Thank you jdoe and ~m. Such a welcome! Thank you.

I enjoy reading through the blogs. There's a lot of healing going around and I'll take a good helping of that and hopefully I can give back in the process.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Topic: Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem (continued)

My inner voice really enjoys taunting me.. seemingly.

If I get a call from my friend and she leaves a message that says "call me" with no other details, the first thing that pops up: She's going to tell me to bug off. She hates being my friend and can't take me anymore.

Lately I've been forcing myself to add another inner voice of my own.. "OR she's going to tell me how much she appreciates my friendship and that I make her laugh at my awkward and inappropriate jokes"

"OR she wants to know what the name of the shop where I got discount on ink cartridges" (some or other arb request).

It doesn't always work. And when it does work I don't feel a sense of euphoria.. I just don't have that intense panicked feeling that I've done or said something wrong.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Topic: Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem

Like jdoe I've had several different influences. The most important and closest people have given positive feedback, in their own way. Almost all my negative feedback came from strangers and my imagination. I was bullied incessantly in school. Even at the age of 36 I'm still haunted by that.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

hello all

Welcome sparky.

Could you explain what GAPD is, please?

Feel free to share with any thoughts and trouble you might have. We're here to support each other!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Dos and Don´t of Supporting Online

Original Post by: Pete
Thanks for this, Ashley.

I do often wish to respond to other member's posts but worry that either I'll come out with empty platitudes or say something that does more harm than good. I suppose when I am not sure the best thing to do is stay silent, but sometimes it is difficult to do that.

Then again ... when I post I am always delighted with any response I get, because it means somebody out there is listening.

What Pete says here holds true for me as well. Often I don't comment or write anything due to the perception I have that it's empty words.

It might or might not be the same, but I'd rather not congratulate someone on being pregnant, because I'm infertile and having trouble. But I don't want to hurt their feelings either, so I avoid the situation all together. I would hate to have someone see me as being false.

I think I also need to realise that when giving support to someone, it's not about me. For me being depressed also brings out a good deal of narcissism (English is my second language - had to google that word's spelling!). And I'm always terrified that anyone would think I'm turning this into me me me.. But sharing our experiences and our perspective is exactly what this is about. We don't have to feel like it's a pity-party or flogging ourselves in public. The greatest thing I've discovered in this program is that I'm not alone.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Specific Problems in Communication V

I'm a very proud person and despise being wrong. I use to (still sometimes do) argue just for the right of being right. My best friend told me once that one day I'll realise that being right is overrated. Luckily for me she's an angel in disguise and teases me about always having to be right. But her words struck a cord in me. Is being right worth the cost of losing someone you love? Of someone who loves you? Is being right worth the pain? I've tried with and without success to being "wrong" and saying "You know, you're right. I'm sorry."

But it's a fine balance to being a walk over. What I'm currently trying with my husband is to decide beforehand which issues are not negotiable. My religion is a good example. I won't tell someone else they are wrong because they don't believe what I believe. But I'm not willing to say that I'm wrong. On the other hand, if hubby tells me that I never told him to take out the garbage, I'm now more than likely to say "wow, I really thought I did. Sorry bout that then, please will you take the garbage out?"

Another thing I've noticed about when I argue with someone was the tendency to not hear what they're saying. I'm too busy rallying up my next volley of ammunition. This is something I still have great difficulty with. Just because I keep quiet and try to really understand the other person's point of view, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Most of my arguments stem from the fact that I don't feel understood, so I'm guessing that's how many others feel as well. But talking about it here and practising it when the heat is on are two entirely different things!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Group Discussion on Session 1

I definately do struggle with this as well. My ups and downs almost seem unrelated to daily activities. Some days a swim will be calming and soothing and other times it's just another headache. When I've reached a goal, that I expect to feel good about it and then I crash and burn when I don't.

I'm hoping to find a trend at some point. If I look at events one day at a time, I might not see it. But I'm sure over a period of weeks or even months I will find a pattern. Something can happen this week that only catches up with me next week.

The important focus for me is to track everything. The more information you have the more likely you are to find an answer, or just part of an answer.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Topic: Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem (more!)

My life is mediocre. I have no special features. There's no one single thing that will make me stand out from a thousand other people. I use to flog myself about not even having one special talent or SOMETHING that would set me apart. I still do sometimes.

I need to realise that no one else has my particular combination of skills and talents, experiences, likes, dislikes. We have a good experience and it shapes us uniquely. We have a bad experience and it shapes us again. Sometimes the shape feels wrong, lopsided, ugly, unwanted. But it is uniquely mine.

I always tell hubby that it is so much easier to like someone you know something about. You understand where they're coming from and the more you get to know them, the more their actions or words make sense. The same hold true for us that are not only trying to love ourselves, but for some to just like or even tolerate ourselves. It's impossible to love a stranger intimately.

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