I'm a very proud person and despise being wrong. I use to (still sometimes do) argue just for the right of being right. My best friend told me once that one day I'll realise that being right is overrated. Luckily for me she's an angel in disguise and teases me about always having to be right. But her words struck a cord in me. Is being right worth the cost of losing someone you love? Of someone who loves you? Is being right worth the pain? I've tried with and without success to being "wrong" and saying "You know, you're right. I'm sorry."
But it's a fine balance to being a walk over. What I'm currently trying with my husband is to decide beforehand which issues are not negotiable. My religion is a good example. I won't tell someone else they are wrong because they don't believe what I believe. But I'm not willing to say that I'm wrong. On the other hand, if hubby tells me that I never told him to take out the garbage, I'm now more than likely to say "wow, I really thought I did. Sorry bout that then, please will you take the garbage out?"
Another thing I've noticed about when I argue with someone was the tendency to not hear what they're saying. I'm too busy rallying up my next volley of ammunition. This is something I still have great difficulty with. Just because I keep quiet and try to really understand the other person's point of view, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Most of my arguments stem from the fact that I don't feel understood, so I'm guessing that's how many others feel as well. But talking about it here and practising it when the heat is on are two entirely different things!
Digging In Digging in is what happens when both people in a dispute refuse to change their position. The result is a stand-off in which neither person is willing to back down because of a rigid and moralistic position, belief that they are 100% right, pride or the belief that if they give in they will be taken advantage of.
Some relationships can get to a point where most disputes end with both people digging in. Both people start to see all of their disputes in terms of winning or losing and both start to keep track of wins and losses. This pattern is extremely harmful to relationships because people start to lose trust and the willingness to compromise. Relationships without trust and compromise usually aren’t very happy and don’t last very long. The solution to this problem is to get better at perspective taking and compromising.
The answer to most of these problems in communication is to develop a more assertive communication style.
When have you experienced the Digging In communication problem? What affect did it have?
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