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Posts created by Jacques

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Back again....

I haven't been here for a while... I don't even know where to start. I learned a lot about myself in the past 8 months or better said I was able to see myself in a different perspective. The diagnosis has changed to Bipolar-Depression. It explained a lot of the oddities that I have been dealing with. The medical professionals were also very careful with the doses as they wanted to prevent a flip to the other side.

About 4 months ago I had a period of hypomania: not much need for sleep, a lot of partying, rebuilding my life and business: everything was hunky dory. After the 10 days the man with the hammer came by and he slammed me back to earth. Back to depression and all the thoughts that go with depression.

Now working with a psychiatrist through CBT...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Back again....

Hi Ashley,

The big difference is that I now understand why I have been doing certain things. I always kind of knew, but never paid much attention to it, because I never had full blown mania. The following crash into depression was always the big problem. It also explains why there were not always clear reasons for the depression. Most of the time people think there is a specific reason for the depression. For me the depression always came during my most successful periods... people had been telling me that it was because I didn't have anything to reach for anymore. I often accepted their reasoning, because I didn't have a reason and was too tired to try to find the cause...

On one hand it is nice to know what the cause is, on the other hand I also realize that I always will have to deal with irrational moodswings (unless I drug myself). Some days I look at it as a disease that needs to managed... other days I feel I am sentenced to life without a chance on escape. I am currently wondering whether I should even try to rebuilt my business as I know that sooner or later I will crash again... I don't know whether I will have strength to go to the rebuilding again. I am just too tired.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Back again....

Hi Ashley,

A few days can make a big change... especially when meds are involved. I think one of the issues I am dealing with, is not knowing who my authentic self is. What I always called me, seems to be my hypomanic side. It is kind of confusing to be mid 40s and realizing that I am not who I thought I was. Don't get me wrong; I like my hypomanic side: the quicky joker who can easily work rooms and can be the joy of the party. But it is not me.

My career goals are now very complex: am I going to do what I am really good at or will I do something where I can put my heart in. What I am really good at is something I do not really like.

In other words I will have to work hard to stabilize myself (with or without meds) and rebuild.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Why is getting help for depression important

Hi Ashley,

If I think back about the decades that I have been struggling, I sometimes wonder why I didn't search for help before. I always thought I was able to handle my disease with my coping mechanisms. Now I look back and realize that I was not really handly my disease properly and have lost many opportunities as a result.

Currently I go regularly to peer-support groups and I am lucky to have found a good psychiatrist. We're still working on creating a treatment plan and trying out different combinations of medications.

Jacques

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Really Struggling

Speedy0314;

I am also suffering from bipolar disorder. There are certain parts of the on-line program that provided me some relief. I learned to take little steps: I chose 3 things that I wanted to do every day, so it becomes a habit and I can have something positive done (getting up before 9 AM, taking a shower and shave). Now I make sure I leave the house for a walk every day (this was much harder than I expected).

Even though I currently have a working cocktail of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, I still try to keep these habits. When I fall back I will have a set of habits I can rely on and congratulate myself for it.

As Samantha mentioned, this is an online group where we are supporting each other. You already made the first major step by coming here and posting a message.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

How do I manage my depression?

My treatment plan has been reduced to just medication. Wellbutrin and Cipralex to battle the depression and lithium(-carbonate) to counter the mood swings. My blood work seems to be a little off on almost everything tested, so I also have to take vitamin and other supplements. As soon as we have that under control, we will continue to look at other treatment options.

Strangely enough it is now easier to be compliant with the medication, than when I only had to take 1 pill a day.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Your Top 3- If money were not an issue

- Visit the last continent I haven't visited yet

- Become a philanthropist

With these two things I don't need a third option ;-)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Back again....

Another follow-up message.

The last couple of weeks have been great. The combo of welbutrin, cipralex and lithium seems to be working perfectly for me. I had some bad news last week, that normally would result in a prolonged depression. It was still bad news, so I was depressed, but the next day I was already bouncing back. For the first time in years I have been able to finish a book. I started and finished another two books in the days following. My imagination and creativity is coming back (I lost it about 20 years ago). So in short I feel fantastic. I was a little afraid that I was flipping to the other side, but I know my tells for mania and they are not showing!

Now, my first goal is to set up a wellness recovery action plan: What to do when either mania or depression are showing up. My psychiatrist advised to find a local group who is facilitating WRAP-sessions. I already contacted a group and signed up for their sessions.

My second goal is to enjoy life. I will look for a position in an organization I can believe in. There is no reason to go for positions that pay good money, but make me feel unhappy. Also my own company is just not worth the hassle. I will try to keep a few fun customers and do some on and off work for them, but the whiners are gone!

It saddens me a little that I had not sought for help before... or better said that I was not open for asking for help. I have lost many opportunities as a result of my illness and my stupidity not to look for help, but that is now a thing of the past. It is time to look forward and build a future.

And if anyone wonders: I'm still sceptical about treatments with psychotropics... but for me they are working ;-)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Back again....

Hi Ashley,

I know my goals should be a little tweaked. The first one didn't have measurements in there because it was depending on the availability of the program. I hope to have the WRAP program completed within the next 9 weeks. The second goal is not so much a goal, but more a strategy on how to cope with pressure to take positions in fields I don't believe in.

The past saddens me a little and even that I consider to be something positive. I can see the patterns in my past and realize that it wasn't me nor them who were to blame, but it was the logical result of my illness. Secondly I never had the ability to be a little sad. My emotions were always quite extreme. If I was sad, I was an emotional garden hose; so I always prevented myself from becoming sad. Now I can be a little sad and that is a new experience for me.

@Harley,

I heard from others that their bodies became adjusted to medication and the effectiveness declined. If that happens it is very important to contact a health care professional immediately.

Jacques

12 years ago +1 +1 / -0 52

Hospitallisation

Hi Rosie,

Personally I have never been hospitalized (at least not for the mental illness), however over the last year I have met many people who have been hospitalized. As ~m mentioned the effectiveness depends on many factors including ourselves. Besides hospitalization there are also other distress centres available. Some of them have some beds available where you can stay for a few days.

During the last year I went to a peer support group on a regular basis, which was very helpful for me. We were sharing methods to avoid triggers, how to discuss issues with family and friends and sometimes just sharing what we did the week before.

I notice from your words that you are currently very low. I have had exactly the same feelings as you have: I would never commit suicide, however if I would have died the next day, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. This is a very serious situation and I think your GP did realize the seriousness of the situation. My experience is that if I don't focus on myself when I am that low, my functioning at work will suffer and also the relationship with my spouse deteriorates. The final result was always the loss of my job. Now I know I have to focus on myself and try to stabilize. My spouse is, since she knows, very supportive during these periods.

Do check in often and keep us posted. As ~m said: we are here to listen.

Jacques

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