It has been a hard couple of months. I didn't want to let the customers down, but at the same time I also knew I personally couldn't deliver. Every time I saw a sprinkle of relieve in the depressive episode, I jumped on it to get work done. Maybe that was the wrong decision, as every time I hit a wall. As a result I had a long slow decent into depression.

My reputation has suffered tremendously and that is much more difficult to deal with than the income losses. I am currently wondering whether I should try to rebuilt everything, or move on to something else and keep the current business as a side business.

MMS,

I really like your blogs and messages... I almost feel like you are holding me accountable for the small goals I set (I mean this in a positive sense). I set very small goals and in the beginning I was even getting depressed about how low my goals were... off course it was even getting worse if I couldn't even meet those goals. Currently I'm meeting my small goals most of the time, which made life more bearable and less frustrating.

So please keep the blogs and messages coming, they're very helpful for me.

I don't want to sound negative, but I'm currently a bit hesitant to do things that I always used to like. I used to do things I liked during depressive episodes, but many of those activities are now linked to previous depressive episodes. E.g. during one episode I used to write poetry and prose to write myself out of the depression. Writing poetry now reminds me of one of the most traumatic events in my life and brings me back to one of the darkest corners of my being. The few fun activities (besides drinking) that are left, are too dear to me to sacrifice them for a (temporary) recovery. 

Maybe when I have figured out my core believes I will be less hesitant....

There are some clear differences between anxiety and depression. The heightened awareness that is common in anxiety disorders, is completely absent. I am claustrophobic, so I do know the feeling. Currently I'm too tired for that level of awareness. The limited amount of energy that I have, should be used as efficient as possible. So now I can crawl into small spaces without any fear, as I use all my energy to crawl... there is no energy left to be anxious.

The biggest difference is the state in which I am. Currently I am very depressed and as such doing pleasant activities will not trigger depression. I used the example of writing poetry, which I used to like. Writing poetry does not trigger depression, but it reminds me now of a very dark time in my life. So it is no longer a pleasant activity. Why would I do a non-mandatory activity that is not pleasant? I don't like to watch American Football and I never have. Watching for hours won't make me like it. So during a low-level depressive episode, doing pleasant activities will allow me to recharge. But in a severe depressive episode, the recharge may or may not take place.... and in the future that specific activity will be connected to a severe depressive episode.

I have most of the typical physical symptoms: fatigue, low energy, insomnia, weight issues etc.. I also noticed that my body overreacts during depressions; a slight joint inflammation often becomes a full blown inflammation within hours. Medications hardly work to counter those inflammations.

Strangely enough since I started ADs; it looks like the inflammations follow a more normal course without my body overreacting.

An old thread... but still very relevant.

I think that the knowledge of MDD is rather low, as we are very good in hiding our illness from the outside world. People who are publicly coming out with their illness often encounter disbelieve and shock. Just look in your ring of people you know; how many have had a episode of depression? It should be at least 10% of the people you know.

The last couple of weeks I have been telling people that I am suffering from MDD (not everyone, but a good number). I had to as this time I have difficulties to get into a "normal" routine and am missing a lot of obligations. Several confessed that they themselves also have had to deal with depressions in the past. So there is not only a stigma, but it seems there is also an enormous taboo on the subject of mental health. I think in Canada thanks to people like Romeo Delaire, Clara Hughes and Magaret Trudeau the taboo is under attack... we will need to support these champions as much as we can.

Hi wellandhappy,

Before I got married I was known as the eternal bachelor. I didn't have many girl friends and most relationships lasted less than 15 days... days? I'm kidding.. I mean hours. I know the feeling of being alone, however I was never really lonely. I had a much more active social life as a bachelor, than I have now as married man (15 years). Your description as not wanting to have children, not liking to cook and not being "homey" sounds just like my wife... so that shouldn't be the problem. There are more men around who are finicky eaters and would never allow a woman to touch their pots and pans ;-)

If I look at my own parents, I too see two people who are each other's main support. Unfortunately I also know a lot of elderly who have lost their partner. Of all the women over 75 less than 25% is living with a spouse and more than 40% is living alone. This percentage will most likely continue to grow over the next few years, so it seems that the norm for old aged women is living alone.

A lot of the fears you expressed are based on a perceived ideal family life. A family life that most people would dream about including the "happy" couples with their "adorable" children who steal money out of mum's wallet to buy pot. Reality bites them too...