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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Jacques... it does sound like you've been through a lot. I'm glad you are figuring things out and feeling on more of an even keel. It amazes me how the people close to use can be so oblivious to the pain we are in... I'm glad you are doing better and pleased to hear you will be sticking around to encourage and educate the rest of us on how to find that balance and keep it. Thanks for the update!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

~m, I've been in a complete roller coaster the last year. I went through a very deep depression, 2 weeks of extreme living and then back into a deep depression. This was the clearest example I ever had of the cycles of my illness. The weirdest thing was that the people closest to me didn't really recognize my 2 weeks of extreme living, as I have been very good in hiding the symptoms. They knew I was not depressed anymore, but they didn't realized it was a (hypo-)manic period. It was another person who had bipolar, who immediately recognized the signs.

Now with the cocktail of meds I'm taken, I feel like I don't need to hide anything anymore. Maybe that's what make it easier for me to deal with new emotions; I can be a little sad, a little agitated and a little happy. It also allows me to become more confident of myself; I don't need to focus on controlling my emotions anymore. It is indeed very liberating. I am planning to hang around here.... just to show others that recovery is possible.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Good point Jacques! What a sense of freedom to be able to feel a little sadness and know it doesn't have to spiral down into utter despair. That was always my fear and thus always the result. I am learning to allow the feeling of sad and know I will survive it. It will pass. You also pointed out that so much has been "the logical result of my illness" ... I've never thought of it that way... what a great phrase to use when challenging the shame I feel about my disease/disorder... and the hospitalizations... and the medications.

Hang in here Harley... you are not alone... we are here to listen and commiserate :/ I too would encourage you do see a physician for a re-evaluation of your medications. It's a pain... but not having them working is even worse. Keep us posted as you can.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Hi Ashley,

I know my goals should be a little tweaked. The first one didn't have measurements in there because it was depending on the availability of the program. I hope to have the WRAP program completed within the next 9 weeks. The second goal is not so much a goal, but more a strategy on how to cope with pressure to take positions in fields I don't believe in.

The past saddens me a little and even that I consider to be something positive. I can see the patterns in my past and realize that it wasn't me nor them who were to blame, but it was the logical result of my illness. Secondly I never had the ability to be a little sad. My emotions were always quite extreme. If I was sad, I was an emotional garden hose; so I always prevented myself from becoming sad. Now I can be a little sad and that is a new experience for me.

@Harley,

I heard from others that their bodies became adjusted to medication and the effectiveness declined. If that happens it is very important to contact a health care professional immediately.

Jacques

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Jacques,

Glad to hear you are doing so great! I also love the sounds of your goals! I suggest tweaking your goals a bit with the information on the "Your Goals" page found in the program. This will help you stay motivated and allow you to measurably see your progress.

Try not to feel sad that you have not made these choices in the past. Celebrate that you have made the choices now! It takes courage to fight depression and it looks like you are making huge changes and giant leaps in personal growth and awareness! Acknowledge that; I am sure proud to read all you have achieved

Hi Harley,

I have already responded to you in another thread regarding your questions; however, for the benefit of other readers, remember it is always important to see a Health Care Professional when it comes to questions regarding your medication type or dosage.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

This is my first time ever using a forum to try and get some help with this feeling. I am on 60mg of paxil as we speak for the last 2 years and for the last 7 days I feel like I did 2 years ago when I was put on this drug. I also take a sleeping aid which isn't working that well. I wake probably 3 times a night. Does anyone out there know if paxil is something that your body gets use to over time?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Another follow-up message.

The last couple of weeks have been great. The combo of welbutrin, cipralex and lithium seems to be working perfectly for me. I had some bad news last week, that normally would result in a prolonged depression. It was still bad news, so I was depressed, but the next day I was already bouncing back. For the first time in years I have been able to finish a book. I started and finished another two books in the days following. My imagination and creativity is coming back (I lost it about 20 years ago). So in short I feel fantastic. I was a little afraid that I was flipping to the other side, but I know my tells for mania and they are not showing!

Now, my first goal is to set up a wellness recovery action plan: What to do when either mania or depression are showing up. My psychiatrist advised to find a local group who is facilitating WRAP-sessions. I already contacted a group and signed up for their sessions.

My second goal is to enjoy life. I will look for a position in an organization I can believe in. There is no reason to go for positions that pay good money, but make me feel unhappy. Also my own company is just not worth the hassle. I will try to keep a few fun customers and do some on and off work for them, but the whiners are gone!

It saddens me a little that I had not sought for help before... or better said that I was not open for asking for help. I have lost many opportunities as a result of my illness and my stupidity not to look for help, but that is now a thing of the past. It is time to look forward and build a future.

And if anyone wonders: I'm still sceptical about treatments with psychotropics... but for me they are working ;-)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Hi Ashley,

A few days can make a big change... especially when meds are involved. I think one of the issues I am dealing with, is not knowing who my authentic self is. What I always called me, seems to be my hypomanic side. It is kind of confusing to be mid 40s and realizing that I am not who I thought I was. Don't get me wrong; I like my hypomanic side: the quicky joker who can easily work rooms and can be the joy of the party. But it is not me.

My career goals are now very complex: am I going to do what I am really good at or will I do something where I can put my heart in. What I am really good at is something I do not really like.

In other words I will have to work hard to stabilize myself (with or without meds) and rebuild.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Jacques,

Thanks for your thoughtful answers. I want to make one thing clear; you are not your diagnoses. You can do whatever you want. Let your diagnoses empower you to take steps to control it but not to control you! You say sometimes you look at your diagnoses differently and it sounds like sometimes you look at your career goals differently. How do you want to look at both. Remember you have a choice. Choose from your authentic self and not from the depression.

So again, how do you want to look at both?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Hi Ashley,

The big difference is that I now understand why I have been doing certain things. I always kind of knew, but never paid much attention to it, because I never had full blown mania. The following crash into depression was always the big problem. It also explains why there were not always clear reasons for the depression. Most of the time people think there is a specific reason for the depression. For me the depression always came during my most successful periods... people had been telling me that it was because I didn't have anything to reach for anymore. I often accepted their reasoning, because I didn't have a reason and was too tired to try to find the cause...

On one hand it is nice to know what the cause is, on the other hand I also realize that I always will have to deal with irrational moodswings (unless I drug myself). Some days I look at it as a disease that needs to managed... other days I feel I am sentenced to life without a chance on escape. I am currently wondering whether I should even try to rebuilt my business as I know that sooner or later I will crash again... I don't know whether I will have strength to go to the rebuilding again. I am just too tired.

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