Hi Mariner.
You're the first I've seen to step up and talk about "self medication". I wonder how many of us out there have done that? Just about every depressed person that I've talked to (about the whole situation) has tried to escape through drugs and/or alcohol. I too suffered an injury somewhere along the on-set of my (2nd ever) major bout of suffering. Panic attacks, anxiety, the black hole (I like your dog reference!) the uncontrollable sobbing, outbreaks of anger...fun, fun. You're right on with the sarcasm. Sure, I'll just "snap out" of it when I want to...but, gee, I LOVE the black hole of hell! I don't usually wish anything bad on anyone, but I do wish these types would get to feel it - just for a little. Maybe they'd understand. And it's not their g.d. sympathy I want. My mental state isn't my "excuse" for anything - I'm not a child. I tend to be forthright about my actions/words. But a little assistance from outside of my own fractured mind would be great. "Gee, hon, you're not reacting like you normally had. Here, let me explain to the doctor some of what I see." Oh god, no. Let's just *itch that things aren't right. Oh, let's use Kel and her condition as a scapegoat for our own poor behavior (sometimes, I really have a valid reason to be sad or *issed-off). Thank you for the opportunity to vent... welcome aboard.
Mariner,
Thank you for your point of view! I will try to remember to do the thing that seems to help me most - count at least three ways that I'm blessed and one good quality that I have. The last is REALLY hard sometimes. Having a good day (after a bad few) and wishing you well!
Hi BookDragon. If you are on anti-depressants check with your doctor. Mine has told me that one of the (possible) side effects is a decrease in sex-drive and or difficulty having an orgasm. Yippee. Just in case we weren't bummed enough! Bumping up the dosage slowly has helped to keep the side-effects at a minimum for me (I'm on Zoloft). Good luck! Hang in there.
Patrick,
I see a bit of my behavior in what you have written. You wrote about going out "on the town" so to speak and having what seemed to be intimate times with one person and then the next night it was onto another.
I've had to face my compulsive partnering(?) point blank this week. My boyfriend wanted the truth straight-up about who I'd been with. I don't know why I've done what I did. Normally I am very compassionate and put others feelings, etc. before mine. But now, looking back on the past 7 months I can do nothing to explain or comprehend. And what does it matter if there's a reason or I understand? It's still no excuse for my behavior. That belongs completely to me. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and then the depression/anxiety overtook my life for quite a bit. I've moved back and forth from his house SO MANY times. And when I was gone I didn't consider how my actions would affect everyone involved. Now I wonder just how REALLY messed-up I am! All I know is that I don't wanna be like that!
Boy, Patrick, did you ever hit the nail on the head! As I learn how to escape the depression I am also learning alot about myself, my behaviors, and relationships. I usually do anything I can to please others. I've learned that that's OK, but going over-board with it is not. I lose myself that way. And that is my contribution to a relationships' demise. I have to remember that I need to love myself, too.
My boyfriend has his own issues to deal with. He just plain doesn't understand depression, panic, etc. I get frustrated, angry, all of the negative ... and I can't cope with it. So I do what I do best - RUN! Sure, there are other fish in the sea... But it just doesn't matter who or what is out there. I love him. I can't stay away. Now, yet again, I am back home, dealing with the fall-out of my trying to bury problems by bed-hopping. And I can't explain it to myself, so I can't possibly explain it to him. Any explainations don't change what occurred anyway. On the positive side, we are getting along better. I am more willing to listen, to be honest. To stand up for myself. I think the partying lifestyle (his mostly, but mine by accompanying him)was a bigger factor than I realized. He can be insecure about himself (I'm 19 yrs. younger) while I have separation anxiety - but only in regards to him. I'm feeling better now that I just go home and go to bed at a decent hour!
Hi all. I have a different type of experience going on. I work in a small, family-run office. They're a great family to work for. I really lucked-out. Anyway - the few guys (no other girls, except the boss's daughter part time in the summer) that are in and out of the office have been with me through the worst. And of course, there was just no way of hiding it. I didn't take any time off from work, except for the very occasional sick day, when I just couldn't bear to leave my house. Yup, not a problem, have a hysteric raging panic-attack and melt-down, and still go in. They've been patient, non-judgemental, and supportive. Actually, my work enviornment is very stable, so I'm sure that helped give me a place to calm down. My mom understands. She's been there, done that. My oldest brother died when he was 20yrs. old. I was 13 at the time. Now I'm a mom, too, and can only hope that God does not ask me to bear that pain. My other 2 brothers are very different. The elder one calls every once in a while. Never any pressure, just love. Lets me know he's there for me, and concerned. The youngest brother (but older than me) I guess started to go through his own things. Kinda makes me wonder if he has MDD too. My boyfriend and most friends just don't really understand. I'm trying to explain it a little bit at a time to my boyfriend, but it's gonna take a long time to clean up the damage I've caused in the last year. I'm the type of person that tends to be very up-front. As I say, "you may not like it, but at least you'll know exactly where you stand with me!" But in being open and discussing it, I've found some fellow sufferers out there. Most of whom have been hospitalized for it, so I consider myself lucky to have avoided the hospital or suicide.
OK, I am 37 years old. So this is a bit different...
My Nintendo DS helps me. My daughters both have one. I was never the video game playing type for the most part, but the graphics are really good, and I was a bit envious, so I got myself one. When my brain is chasing itself in circles I just put on Puzzle Quest and my brain gets a little rest because it can just center on that. I use it when I'm in a situation where I think I may start on the depressive path.
So far, I usually play "Puzzle Quest". It's a role-playing game where even if I lose a puzzle-battle, I still at least get some gold coins, so I don't really "lose", and I can turn it off and come back to it later at the same level. I have a "Crash Bandicoot" game, but so far I'm content playing the puzzle one. Maybe I should drag it out this morning, since I'm having a rough one.
Hi Gabs. I'm having that kind of day too. I woke up in a good mood. So far though I've had 2 crying jags. I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of feeling alone. I know that ultimately I am the one to bring myself out of this, but I just don't seem to have the willpower to even try. I can always do stuff for somebody else when needed. I don't know why I won't pull it together for myself, why I feel I'm not worthy enough. I guess I should work on the actual homework and not surrender. Ya know, I'll try to pull myself up again. I'm gonna tell my off-kilter brain that it's for you and a way to send good karma your way. Our significant others may not get it, may not understand, or simply be too tied up in their own worlds to be brave enough to take a look into ours, but we're all here on this board together. Somehow, it'll be OK. We've gotten this far. How many seriously depressed people didn't make it before they started to get help? We're lucky. Depression didn't claim us yet. We're strong - you have to be to survive to this point. I hope you can get the rest you need and deserve. I pray you feel the support and kindness I'm sending out to you.
Kera (Kelly)
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