Now a year later I've seen two psychologists (one a specialist in anxiety and panic), a naturopath, used Chinese medicine and acupuncture, have had both a CT scan and MRI on the brain and been to many, many doctors appointments. I have not taken any medications as I fear them and as I have tried to remedy this naturally. While I no longer seek out medical attention when having an attack, I do continue to fear and worry about death regularly. I am worried about dying in all kinds of ways including a car accident, having a heart attack, having an aneurism and so on but mostly I am on constant watch of any physical symptom, immediately relating it to some life threatening cause for me to die. If I'm not worried about dying then I am worried about life on earth without me around. While I know I have made significant progress over the year and I have improved dramatically I still continue to fret about dying. Nine times out of ten the negative thoughts about death will not lead to a panic attack or even feeling panicky but I feel like this is so unhealthy to think about death this much because before that night a year ago I thought about these things rarely and I felt happy and content in life. Now I just feel worried and scared.
I know that I am not supposed to "buy" what my anxious thoughts are selling but it's amazing how good of a saleman they can be. It's like my mind stores bits and pieces of information about general everyday things that are later used against me during attacks. I might have a small symptom such as a minor ache or pain and then later while having an attack my mind will say," see there really is something wrong because earlier you had that unexplained ache or pain..." and then I might remind myself that I am okay and not dying because everyother time I have been okay but then again the salesman will go on to say,"no but this time is different...this is it this time..." It really is a hard battle.
