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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Wildcat,

Seems like you were so busy before with all your activities, your family and school, and now; with all your down time, you're going through a period of time that allows you to think and you let your mind wander. It's good to keep busy, but don't mask or hide from something that should be taken care of. You do deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. Find your balance, a healthy medium between keeping busy and taking care of yourself.

Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sylvie,

in the past I have had mixed sucess ...

as a teen, I rebelled and found lots of gentlemen who were willing to risk an adventure ...

as a young adult I often immersed myself till I fizzed out - i was a full time student at Cegep and university, i worked 30 to 35

hour weeks aa a lifeguard and had my appartment and boyfriend.

then when school was out I would take courses in accounting, yoga, taichi, self-defense, swimming, teaching, philo, etc...

and work lots of over-time (45 hour weeks) and care for all my family - disabled mom, my sister, my children, my husband, etc.

now all I have is 37.5 hours of work (sometimes 45 hours) my two children and my husband. So I worry. I focus on what is

coming and make a mountain out of...

See ... I was able to accept being miserable in the past. It was normal for me. It was all I DESERVED. Now i understand I am

human like the rest of the people on earth and am allowed to enjoy life and be happy. Still, happiness is something that

escapes me. I feel like I live in a bowl of water, I look out and see others living! They are fuzzy and I know their environment is not

the same as mine. Between me and them is this something... water, clouds, fog, humidity, and air. Where does one layer stop and

the next begin? How do I jump out of the bowl? What is keeping me in here?

This is now my search... in the past I would sink to the bottom and give-up or I would run into the sides and jump uselessly...

so I never had a sucessful tactick. And I am trying to find some ways, but the self-help group only helped me to understand that

I am not alone. there are others who have this insufferable uncontrolled energy bubbling under the surface. There are times

when all is fine and others where we want life to end and still other times where we are condors!

I am afraid of being a condor. I want to fly and it takes all my will not to run off the side of the cliff in to the AIR !!! So I want to build a wall.

a wall of hobbies, of activites, of books. and I want to expend the energy so I will fall exhausted and be able to run. I do not know how to

just be a happy cat.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Wildcat,

If the anti depressants are not working for you, what else can you do? What other things have you tried in the past to gain controle?

Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

If it is a relief then something "mommie" is telling you that sonny-boy is growing-up and trying to define

his world. If he needs to blame ... that is his "phase" of understanding and will grow out of it.

I did!

You know dumpling, I feel like the bronco is dancing on my heart. pressurepressurepressure-release-anticipation-

pressurepressure-grinding- etc I know that most of it is out of my conscious control. I need to do something to get

my body into a more stable position. Then I can continue my psycotherapy and feel most at ease. Right now I am

trying to saddle the bronco to go for a ride in the park with the family.

and it is not working out the way i want it to

i wonder.

so I really want to be doing something but I know that I need to get some real control. I need to stop and heal. I need

to remember that I feel up-side-down not for a lack of something to DO - Goddess knows I have enough. I am

like this because the anti-depressant is not the ideal course for me.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

You are on a bucking bronco of emotion. You can just hang on and feel out of control. You can fall off into depression or you can try to ride him. Try to channel the energy. I don't know how you do that. Between kids and a job where do you find time for a new challenge? Does the local university have lecture series that are available to the public? Enrolling in a course is probably too much of a long term comittment.

By the way. I need to change my avator. I am in a good spot right now. My #2 sone has said he wants my husband and & out of his life and that my hubby is responsible for everything that is wrong with his life (son is 39!... grow up). And the funny thing is it is a relief!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi dumpling, hi gang.

I went to the appointment and I was hypomanic! the psychiatrist is not sure if it is anxiety or bipo that is my drive so she is maintaining

the status quo and refering me to the anxiety and mood disorders clinic for a specialist... another two month wait!

you know I am beginning to see the what I consider "normal" is far from what others consider acceptable. Example, It is years that most

nights (5 out of 7) where I lie down and pray to whatever may be listening to me to take this torchered spirit to the next experience. and when

I wake up still alive, I have the Oh S$#* ! reaction. I am still here. I jump into the routein because there is nothing else. Most times I want to

go bach to bed and "try again". I knew that this is not what most people think every night but it has been my way since I was a child so

it is Normal.

I am in the period where I need a long term project, or goal, or new hobby. I have that intense energy that is simmering and I am afraid to

explode; to lose control. So I have chaneled it into my anxiety and made myself miserable. Now I want change, I want some mental activities

to exhaust my head. I want a new job. i want a new Bac. I want a new hobby. I want to travel and see and learn. And I can't just be me.

I can't be happy in the here and now, there is nothing here. I want serenity and that zen aspect that others have. I want to look at what

I am doing now and say wow I am doing, I am accomplishing something, I have completed this task, I am proud of my efforts and the

termination. But I do not have this I flutter from one thing to the next trying to find the answer...

What is escaping me? Why am I not happy with a wonderful relationship, two healthy children, a job that is flexible and satisfying...

Why am I still searching? What am I searching for? I have looking outside in philosophies and religions and sciences.

I have looked inside with meditation, psychology, and the occult. I have searched literature, music, stories, and history. And still

satisfation escapes me. Still, understanding and appreciation escapes me. Still, I do not how to let go and be.

And I am afraid of being nothing.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

keep the appointment. I think you are swinging towards manic.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

i am beginning to doubt that i need that appointment! things are great this week-end. I need to catch up on time and work so Sat and Sun i am at work for 4 hours each day to get all done... and it is going amazingly well :) yesterday i even did a bit of gardening with the family and we all went for a little bike ride! :) today i have to get my patio table at ikea (a beautiful 10 person wood item) that will need tow coats of protection before tonight's rain. :) i have spoken to chouette three times concerning his over-concern for his brother and sister-in-law ... and i am managing to control my jealous fits... and even find a bit of intamicy ;p ... for the first time in two months! Tiamat and Tiger have appointments with their doctors (June and May). so I wonder if i really should go to the appointment. I am better the energy is back, the focus is good, i am a bit !!! quick-tempered and quick/talkative but nothing unusual... i think...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8760

Thanks for checking in. Keep us posted! Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

good afternoon gang, I am suddenly back to myself... the stress is lighter, i did something Reallyyyyy stupid, and after seeing everyone poof the cloud is gone. So i don't know if I will need that appointment at the hospital next week.

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