hi gang,
so my psychologist confirmed that I am in a depressive state and am slipping further and further in.
I tried the exercise for three weeks two to three times a week for 30 to 45 minutes. :(
I tried the hobbies; jewelry, books, knitting, painting, writing. :(
I went out, I vented to you all (thanks for listening) and I went to my self-help group - every week. :(
I slept 8 to 10 hours every night, ate less junk and NO alcohol. I limited the caffine to t good AM cups. :(
I played with the kids, i spent time alone. :(
I planned the garden with my husband.
and every thing just falls flat! I couldn't care less !!! I want to go to sleep. I nearly had a jealous fit when he spoke to his sister in law yesterday ... sure he plans the garden with her and her flowers but does nothing but complain about work with me. The day before he jumped into my am shower and I screamed -don't touch me!!!-
My kids are vermin, I hate feeling them next to me in bed everynight and stuck to me as we watch TV and all thehugs and kisses alllll the time.
I have no sense that I have accomplished anything at work. So what if I am 3 weeks ahead of the usual year-end cleaning up. Tomorrow will just be another sunny day. If i did not do it another could easily do it ... i am training others to do just that. I keep sending out messages of how good we all have been, and the praise just falls flat. I am not proud nor happy.
I am empty. I am alone. INSIDE. and I want the outside to be the same as the inside. I want a pill or ANYTHING that will make me hypomanic and I will look forward to something. I hate being in this emotional basement and yelling through the ceiling/floor at everyone. I am tired of looking out of the dirty windows.
I want to be OUTSIDE in the sun. I want to lead the others in a whole bunch of ideas and projects. And ... and ... and I hate surviving like this. Bipo seems like a terminal illness and I am just waiting to croake. :(
