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Tired and Out of Hope

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose

Thank you for writing. The neglected and ignored comment was in reference to my husband not you at all. I don't mind reading what anyone has to say. If no one gives me anything to consider then it doesn't really help. Sometimes it's good to consider another point, even if I really don't want to.

I did talk to my husband today. I was blunt and told him that I felt there was no hope for us regardless of how much I try. At first this did not go over well and he did said he did not want to try to make things better. This hurt me, but I sort of knew this was where he was anyway, I just wanted to hear it. As we talked that changed to he felt he had tried. I pointed out that if that was all he was willing to do, then he could leave at anytime because as far as I was concerned he was already gone. I told him I would also no longer try if there was no hope. Then that changed too, he said he didn't say he wasn't willing to try and that I was "quick to throw in the towel". Then we did start to talk about the things that are wrong. I understand that he is hurt and there are ways that I hurt him without knowing. I apologized when contronted with them and although I did offer explanations I did so without believing that they were good enough to excuse me from hurting him. It still is a long way from solved and there is much to work on, but it is more than I had this morning when I woke up. I don't really know what he will decide, I told him that I want to be married to him and that I'm willing to work to make things better. If he decides he does not want to then that is his decision but it is not mine. I don't know how things will turn out, he may decide to leave. I will always know that while I did not do everything right and bear blame for where he is now,I was willing to do whatever I could to keep us together. If he decides differently that is his to bear.

Sorry about the length of this. I feel good and bad at the same time, but this conversation needed to take place. I was going to go crazy soon if it did not. I just hope this is the beginning of better and not worse. Thanks for letting me vent once again.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again,
we sound so much a like! i know it's easier said than done, but that's what my good insurance and i hope therefore good psychologist/psychiatrist told me, among other things. just say it - get it off your chest - i'm really opinionated and sometimes don't know when to shut up. my husband has in the past (when i had a job!) asked me to ask the boss for extra golf coupons or whatever should he have them. i hated the thought of that -( i learned long ago not to ask). but hubby says, "it never hurts to ask". we don't disagree much, but that's one topic that gets my blood boiling - i told him finally, listen don't ask me to ask for things from anyone because it makes me really uncomfortable - that must be a "trigger" or sumthin, but i was glad when i told him to knock it off! he took it well, laughed and said most men would just say yes or no and then forget about it! this i don't get - i ruminated all day by the responses of others? what motivates them? what motivates me? i have no idea.

don't feel ignored or neglected! i hope it has nothing to do with me not answering back, i thought maybe i came on too strong and i know we "co-dependents" offer unsolicitated advice and that's a no-no - but maybe here it is different and we can all be honest with each other and give advice - cuz we sure all need it - i know i do!

about talking w/your husband, i saw on oprah - don't watch her much - but caught one show and it came up to - write 5 things/thoughts right off the top of your mind that describes your marriage/relationship. there wasn't any rules. so i wrote like: egalitarian, thoughtful, same sense of humor, share space well.....something like that...and do you want to know what his #! was!!!!!??????

"difficult rollercoaster" - the other 4 sounded pretty good, but this one opened up a real good and long conversation about depression and my childhood, first marriage, moving around so much, my kids, his kids.....layed alot of cards on the table. good conversation - i did tell him that for this this and this - hate you.....but for this this and this - i love you.

remember what dear abby (i love her) always said -"are you better off with him or without him"?

if you love your husband, when the time is right, start the conversation - start where you want to start and plan on getting it all out in the open! i did it - felt like i got punched, but it was true and i knew it - found out he did too! i am difficult! and complicated and haven't figured it out yet, working on it!!!!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Mom of 3,

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day, and I'm sorry that you are feeling so disconnected from your husband. If you don't know where to begin, maybe try telling him that. Open up to him, and make him understand that you want to feel connected once again, and he will hopefully open up to you.

Brighter days are ahead

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi all,

Last night when I posted to Rose everything seemed clearer, easy. Today they are not. Again I feel ignored and much less hopeful. It's day after day of not much to go on.

I realize that I don't even know where to begin with talking to my husband about things. I have a feeling that were so disconnected that no matter what I say he won't take it well. And so I am still saying nothing but general things.

It is rainy and dreary today and so is my mood.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose,

Thank you for your post. I understand what you are saying. Fundamentally, it's true. I feel the same way, but feel in the past the "chips" don't usually fall my way.

(And suddenly the light goes on) I know I'm afraid of confrontation and maybe that's part of my issue. I have to be fed up before I say anything and maybe that's the biggest problem with why my feelings are in the way - there are just too many or too much by the time I say something. (Perhaps it is taken as anger because it really is). It seems to me that I'm not keeping too much in and am being prompt in letting them out, but that's probably not true. I tend to overanalyze issues so I would have to say that I'm most likely allowing the issues to fester before I let them out. If I can somehow learn to say (whatever) before it has a chance to fester and after I've calmed a little, but not enough to let it go, I may eliminate most of my problem. If I take away the chance to become more angry/upset by clarifying immediately instead of letting it fester by analyzing it to death, maybe what I say won't be so angry or emotional when I speak.

Thank you again Rose. Reflecting on your post where you wrote about exploding, it became clear that this is likely why I have problems expressing in a way that people don't pick up on my anger. It really is an "explosion" even if I don't mean it to be. It still comes across for what it is. Even as I write this it sounds so simple and something that should be evident to me but I guess it hasn't been. I only know that I'm not trying to project my anger, just trying to be heard. I've been having a "pity party" for myself because no one understands me. I suppose it is hard to understand an explosion. I hope I can keep this in the forefront of my mind. I hope that I will be able to remember this concept when the issues hit. I will go ahead an plan for it to take time like everything else. Wish me luck and thank you for writing!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again,

my husband and i just got back from 2 mi walk (5 days in row!) i asked him to push me and he has been.when i ask him why

he puts up with me, he says cuz he loves me, but i say no, give me a real answer. Cuz you're smart, responsible, good cook, etc. i ask him if he thinks i'm a ***** sometimes and he said no he didn't think so. that i am my own worse critic, that nobody's perfect or even comes close. he has 2 sisters, both really smart and accomplished and neither of them think they're good enough either! alot of my problems are stress related, tend to hold things in and then explode. anyways, psychologist says

say whats on your mind when it's on your mind, even if it's gentle correction, or to say hey! you hurt my feelings or Whoa!

what did you mean by that, hopefully that keeps things from building and misunderstandings from occuring.i think what i need to learn and

maybe all of us, is count to 10 before we say anything -

but then say the truth and let the chips fall where they may. if someone thinks we're being *****y - so be it.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose & Diva,

I've given alot of thought to the assertiveness issue. It seems to me that when women are assertive they are b*****s. When men are assertive they are thought of as strong. I don't get that, what is it about being a woman that means you can't be strong? It doesn't seem to matter what the situation is - women are always thought of that way. It would be nice to be able to be respected like a man would be saying similar things and in similar ways. If a man says something sternly he is authoritative and a woman is, well, the usual.

I'd like someone to listen to what I'm saying first then cut me a break and try to understand why I might have said it that way. I do that for others, but don't think I ever get a break. I wish I knew how to say what I think or feel without how I feel showing. That's hard for me. I think I'm better at it when I'm at work but at home I'm not. Perhaps because I have the mistaken assumption that I could speak my mind at home. Now I find out that I'm "always angry or upset".

I am trying to temper my words better but when my feelings are hurt I don't always do so well. Sometimes I say nothing to avoid being misunderstood or have my meaning twisted by how I said something. This is not so much a negative thought but my belief that I am always considered a b***h could be - it just seems true right now.

Then there's the times when I'm emotional, sometimes I cry because I'm hurt or even angry, sometimes both. I wish I could keep from doing that.

Anyone with a thought on how to handle this stuff? What will make me be assertive and not a b***h? What is ok to be emotional about? It it better to keep my mouth shut until the emotion passes? I've been doing that lately and all it's doing is bottling up inside. Once my emotion passes my desire to say anything goes along with it.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hiya Mom of 3,

It sounds like you have had so much on your plate for so long. Work, children, husband... You are so nice and caring. I can see how you feel burned out by all of this. I wish I had something wise to say or profound to pass on. All I know is to just hang on and work on it till it gets better. I know, it is easier said then done. You are in my thoughts.

As for assertiveness, I also have that problem. I either come across as crying and hysterical olr as harsh and critical. I wish I could find the rght dose of everything too. Once in a blue moon I manage to get it right but it is touch and go for me on this issue.

I like that goofy made you write 5 good things about you. She is right, you do sound so down on yourself. I really get the feeling you are taking on so much more blame on yourself then you should. MArriages are made and broken by two people. Both need to put in the effort. It seems to me you have been trying really hard lately and should not put so much blame on yourself. I think you sound so great and lovely.

Anyway, sorry I cannot be more helpful. Hang in there and please keep us posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again,
i'm the same way, been told many times "it's not what you say, it's how you say it".....i've had hairdressers tell me that i look mad/serious and they wanted to "soften" up my hairstyle a little. i would love to hear a good answer on that one, too. are you assertive or are you a b*tch? how can you help the look on your face?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sylvie and Rose,

I have been concerned with other people for too long. My daughter really put me through alot when she lived here. My husband too. I became too absorbed in this and missed that it affected my husband very negatively. I became so distraught that I shut down and did not take care of the things I should have. I messed up. I am depressive and it's not fun for me or anyone else. I am very aware of how angry my husband is with me and I feel awful that I neglected him and so many other things. I have asserted myself but he is very angry and nothing I say or do seems to make a difference. (This statement is catastrophic in nature and I recognize that it needs challenging) It is how I feel.

On top of the above I work in healthcare and most of my job is taking care of others. I am burned out and have switched to working with our surgeon. Working this schedule puts me in contact with 10 or less patients a day instead of 40-50 working with the regular doctor. In addition the doctor I did work for is moving to Canada next June and I have known that he was leaving for about 2 years. I have worked with him for 7 years and am not doing well with his departure. When he gave me his last day date, I cried. I wanted to stay with him until he left but also felt it was important for me to go ahead and make the change while I had the opportunity. He agreed and was gracious about it as he could have prevented my move if he wanted to. He is a very good boss, the best I've ever had, I have been very lucky to have been able to work with him. So work has been stressful also. I have put too much time and effort into it however and this has affected my marriage. The office I work for wanted me be available to set up a new doctor (one that isn't even hired yet), I don't have an idea if I'll be compatable and truthfully do not want to have to put that effort out. I get along well with the surgeon, she's similar to me in personality and is an excellent surgeon. I think this is for the best.

Rose - 5 good things about me: 1. I try to be loyal & fair 2. I really care about others. 3. I strive to do what is right, ethically/morally. 4. I am a good worker and try to do my best in all tasks (a little obsessive about this and that's not been good) 5. I am truthful.

There's one other thing - If anyone can help me out I would appreciate it ---Being assertive comes off like I'm angry and sometimes I am. But I become short and to the point, and this is often misread by people, especially my husband. So assertiveness is not really a problem but presenting it is. I am either short or emotional, neither works.

Again, thank you are for taking the time to read this

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