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Tired and Out of Hope

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi All,

Writing here because I felt like I took over Panda's thread.

I noticed that my post also was cut off there too - I was really being long winded, sorry!

I guess what I want to convey most about my situation is that until recently I felt like I had a really great husband. He wasn't always like this and I am hurt that he didn't take the time to convey all of this to me. He waited until things were bad. I actually brought up the issues otherwise I guess he would have never said anything just left.

I have been trying to put him first and to reconnect but it's slow going. I also realized that he didn't seem to be putting any effort out. Thus the conversation on Sunday. Telling him to go ahead & leave was my way of saying I'm tired of being threatened. I have told him that I'm willing to put effort into saving the marriage, but if he's not, then there's no reason for me to put out the effort. I am tired of being ignored. I have apologized and have changed my work schedule so I no longer have to work as late. I have been more diligent about things he told me bothers him. There have been slight changes - he gave or son a bath last pm. He's a bit more talkative but there's much more work to do.

I also find that I am very hurt right now and my efforts are tiresome. Since Sunday I have found it to be more of an effort to kiss him. I am not as thrilled as a thought I would be by his efforts, I am hurt. I have been trying to tell myself that this is how he is feeling and it won't to any good for me to feel the same way, but I'm having trouble snapping out of it. I find myself holding back more because I don't want any more hurt. I used to tell people how lucky I am, but now I don't know. It seems everything was conditional and I really shouldn't have counted on anything. The fact that I did makes me feel like I did something wrong. The issues we had were not easy, but it wasn't like it was my doing or that I wasn't in the same situation as he.

I love him and will go through what I have to, but it gets hard sometimes. I want to work things out and have a better marriage but I have to admit that my level of hurt is so high that I know it's getting in the way. I don't know what to do with it anymore. I am afraid that I'm going to ruin things because the more hurt I become the less I am able to keep myself out of the way. Does anyone know a way to do this without it erupting at some point? (this is what I'm afraid of.)

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi All and thank you for your replies,

I posted about my situation under a Mod Corner thread, so I won't repeat here except to say that my husband just finished getting our son bathed, something he hasn't done for awhile, so I will count that as a positive I guess.

Patrick, I appreciate your post as very thought provoking, but also as "seeing" me. Not many people have picked up on the relationship of a lighthouse to me, but you did and never met me. Lighthouses themselves are a spiritual symbol for me. It is the symbol of guiding that makes them special, they remind me that God will be there to guide even in difficult times and when I cannot see the hazards. The hard life of a lighthouse keeper is more how I view myself. I feel I am alone but am always seeking someone to help, even if I can't. I find the stories of lighthouses and their keepers speak to me in ways beyond just what they are. Lighthouse keepers lived in solitude on islands, going through all types of weather, keeping the light burning, and ready to risk all to save people they don't even know , they amaze and humble me. I could only hope to be as diligent as they. Thank you for your insight Patrick , I appreciate that you took the time.

Rose, I love the way you write what's on your mind and have so many points to consider. Your husband sounds like quite a guy! I felt much that way about my husband until all this came to light. I thought we were just tired from the battles with my girls and we needed to tend to ourselves now. I did not realize he was hurting as much as he is, too lost in my own, and a bad combo. Bottom line is I love him, no matter what. Couldn't say that about my first husband, but can about this one. Right now it's hard for me to convey his good points because I am hurt and upset.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

HEllo Rose and Daily Lama,

I have found your posts very interesting and thought provoking. Thanks.

Hello Mom of 3,

I ready your post and about the discussion you had with your husband. It sounded productive. But even productive talks acan take a lot out of a person! So how are you today and how are things going for you? How is adjusting to work? Anyway, please keep me posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

thank you - yes - i guess he does humble me (what does that mean exactly?) i trust his opinions and value his judgement - alot more than i do my own. it was hard at first but got easy because he's not a bully and he has an open mind and a good sense of humor, i'm not afraid to bring anything upwith him - the past,/nightmares and i ask him to check on me and make sure i take my meds and walk everyday. he's a "positive emotional experience". but he's my only one, and i'm afraid i'm going to burn him out sometimes. it helps to talk weekly w/counselor, too - she's female - so i get her perspective on things. we are different, but still so much the same! he tries to keep it simple, he doesn't overanalyze, alot goes in one ear and out the other, maybe that's the key to happiness - don't think too much - get out of your head and just do. i'm working on it - couldn't do it alone!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

A very profound and scintillating post Daily.........thank you for engaging all of us with the nature of your questions. Rose306 - it is interesting to note the gender differences when it comes to perceptions and interpretations. But as you have experienced yourself, not all men are equal. It's good to see that your present husband is not threatened or annoyed by your questions. It is also humbling that you can accept his point of view and try to improve on what he considers to be your flaws. Faryal, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hello again,
daily llama - you're a poet! such good questions - i think all us depressives are super sensitive, to our surroundings and other people, especially the actions and reactions of other people. i'm such a loner - my doc says if that's your nature it's OK! you don't have to be the social butterfly or even try to be. but you gotta get along with those you live with or life can be hell on earth. from a male point of view, is mom of 3's husband bullying her or avoiding his own culpability? alot of men don't want
to talk about problems, my 1st husband sure didn't, my son thinks it's ridiculous the amount of money they make to sit there and make notes while you go on and on. i've told him though the good ones do more than take notes, they notice and engage
you on the big issues! and give you the confidence to go on. you're a smart man - tell us how men think - how to you engage
their intelligence? how come so many men don't want to talk about it? is it denial? if you don't talk about it - it'll go away?
i got lucky w/hubby #2 - he doesn't mind my neverending questions and tries to answer to the best of his ability, but he doesn't have all the answers. he has gone to some counseling sessions, but dammit! he's what i call a "normal" - well adjusted, happy, friends, same job for years, even gets along w/ex in-laws! raised right, 5 of 6 kids - he had no idea what major depressive disorder was until i told him and "forced" him to do some reading. i did mention in a different post that he said our marriage/me was a "difficult rollercoaster". now he knows why and he loves me anyway, i must be a really good cook:) peace to you, too and all the best to you mom of 3 you deserve it!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1890

The Lighthouse: some rhetorical questions.

Just off the top of my head and considering your posts, Mom3, I immediately wonder why you are so moved/interested in lighthouses? They have just one purpose - to warn of danger/landfall to ships at sea nearby; they perform 24 hours a day in bad weather, good weather and at day and night; they never stop "caring" about their "charges". Are you the lighthouse or the keeper?

We are not lighthouses, are we? We need response, recognition. What is the nature of the lighthouse-keeper? Is s/he alone or married? Does the spouse of a lighthouse keeper have to be at one with the lighthousekeeper? Is s/he contented being alone? Does s/he seek isolation? Do some of us seek isolation and not worry about what it might 'mean' about our psychologies? What is the nature of the hermit? What happens if we expect the same level of sensitivity as our own from our nearest and dearest? Are we so complex that we prefer silence to very human static?

Partnerships change all the time - your surgeon leaves for Canada - another's lifelong pet/pal dies - your husband is still a neophyte in the Epistemology of You. Is he ready for the learning process? Are you willing to take time away from the gaze at the horizon to engage his intelligence, to bring him to your level of emotional IQ?

I wish you peace in your heart.

Patrick

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you as you make changes at work and deal with issues at home. I don't have any advice, but I can offer support via listening. Hang in there! You are also always very encouraging to me and I appreciate your opinion and advice, as well as taking the time for me!

Goofy

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Breanne,

Thank you for writing. I feel vulnerable today as I have replayed our discussion over and over in my mind. I am finding myself analyzing every aspect of it and as usual I'm coming out on the negative end of things. Tonight has not been much different than the others, maybe a little more talk, but I'm really not feeling very positive. I realize that I must somehow try to stay on the positive side if things but it is difficult.

My day at work was not very good. On top of having this in my head, I am trying to learn the workings of the area I work in now. It is a bit different from what I did before and there's different considerations there. I feel like a fish out of water sometimes. The surgeon was also in a bad mood today. I am finding this difficult to get used to. Tomorrow is another day and not a Monday so hopefully it will get better.

Not much else to say tonight, I feel more helpful with other people's problems. Mine still seem hopeless

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Mom of 3,

It sounds like you had a very productive talk with your husband. It seems like you were both able to vent and share your thoughts and how you each viewed the situation. Perhaps give your hubby some time to think. He knows where you stand, so like you said, the ball's in his court right now. Stay strong, and try to be optimistic (as hard as that may be at the moment). You know we are always here for you, no matter what. Like Diva always says, this too shall pass

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

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