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Afraid


16 years ago 0 5195 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Gabs take whatever you need. I do believe it is a sign. I just answered your other thread with a little prayer for you. Rest well and remember the following passage. Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open.
16 years ago 0 172 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
lady, what a wonderful mantra, mind if i use it? you sound in a good place just now, whatever your doing keep at it. Been on my knees a lot today, does he hear? I think so, I just had a text from a very old friend from another country, out of the blue really saying, hi remember God loves you and we do too. Is that a sign?x
16 years ago 0 5195 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I believe I'm getting a clearer understanding. I must take my medicine and I must continue to march forward. I must continue to maintain my routine and to allow people to be a part of my life. I must reach out for help when I need it and I must refuse to allow the depression to take over "me". I'm a confident, thriving, young woman at the height of her career with a lot to offer and a lot to give to others. In giving we receive. When I quit giving back and relying on the good Lord above to guide my steps, when I forget to lean on Him, I've given up control. God makes a way for everything. Faith is the answer. Perseverience and faith.
16 years ago 0 5195 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thank you. I continue to move forward.
16 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
hi, I have lost count of the number of times that I BELIEVE that those around me would be better without me... How many times have I imposed my distorted thinking on them? Well it was... I remember one low after my miscarrage when I told my husband that I did not want to continue this suffering... I told him out loud and strong these thoughts that haunted me every night since the begining of memory. He cried with me. He acctually cried. He was afraid of losing me. He was afrais that our son would never again share the love only his mother could give. That was when I really discovered what it means when we say... Love has its own reasons that reason cannot understand. No Matter What you Think Love Is not a Thought. Only another person can tell you what is best for them because they are the only one who know what you mean to them... Only you son can say what you are to him. Only he can judge what role you play in his life and only he can judge the impact you will have on him. You can not say because you do not know what the love you share means to him. I think we need to be strong but not to show them... We need to be strong because no matter what we feel we need to remember one thing, the blackness, the dispare, the hopelessness is all part of the depression. We know what the illness is and with some time it will be better. We will move past the black-hole that sucks the pleasure from our lives because the black-hole is an imbalance. We will move past the black-hole because it is posssible to learn what a happy life is. I learned that motivation is the fist victim to be sucked into the black hole. I do not feel like doing anything anymore. I get no pleasure from me hobbies and other accomplishments. BUT I still have to do them. I have to teach myself that there is pleasure in these activites and I have to force myself to see the positive side to them... that'a why I took up beading... the jewlery is a constant reminder!
16 years ago 0 101 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Happiness... Ah, but that really is the problem. Your constitution promises life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. Happiness is a fleeting thing for everyone. One minute your life is full and everything is going fine , then POW! something hits you in the face. And usually it is many somethings that hit you all at once. so savour happiness when it comes, but don't chase it because it is not something that can be caught. What we really should strive for in our children is not happiness, but resilience. Than is what the group of us here lack. And that is something that I worked hard at creating for my kids. And succeeded (for them). But I still have not got there yet myself. So seek to make them resilient and able to handle whatever comes their way and you will be a good mother. Because bad things come to everyone and it is how we handle them that marks us a decent functioning human beings.
16 years ago 0 5195 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I'm not ready to end my life. I just wonder how I can go so wrong. At the same time, I have everything I've worked years to achieve, so where is that peaceful feeling that comes with happiness? Why do I still have the tears? When and where does it all end? Each mileston I reach, I don't seem to be happy. I think if just this or that... I would be fine and then it happens and I'm still not fine. My boyfriend said that giving up isn't an option. My boys need me and no one will do better for them than I do because no one will love them like I do. I don't think I agree but I will continue to do my best. I fear for them. A nut for a mom isn't good. I often wonder if I'm screwing up their lives. My boyfriend said I have to be strong and show them that I'm strong. Dry up the tears, and go one with it all. Life IS good. I know life is good. It really is. I just don't know how to stop these feelings of anxiety and despair. I don't know how to stop the tears. I don't know how to control the emotions. I don't know why I keep trying. I don't know if I will ever be better.
16 years ago 0 172 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thanks patrick, Good luck with the move. unfortunately the 5 or 10 mins that im o.k.ish, right now are being stolen from me by the effects of the drugs, I am doing all I can to hang on in there but am alone, even though my husband is in the house. My Children are grown and I honestly, really think they would be better off without me. They can do without a crazy for a mother. They look at me as though I'm hard work which i am and of course the worst thing for young people, I'm certainly no fun. Everyone could get on with happy fullfilling lives if I wasnt in the way. Saying this makes me feel disgusted with myself. I am my disabled father's primary carer. Wot would happen to him. I cant check out. I wont. I will keep doing the programe and with the encouragement from the group hope hat we can all pull through. Sorry for spelling, cant see, the tears, oh my, the tears, will they ever stop. Lady, dumpling, hope you are ok. sign back in lady so we know ur o.k
16 years ago 0 101 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Thank you Patrick. I hope lady signs back in soon and sees this.
16 years ago 0 1890 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Lady, Dumpling and Gabs, You have my heart, ladies. I'm so sorry that you're hitting the lows even to the point of talking about ending it all. I had my 10 year old son in the house the last time i was that close to ending it. That was 8 yrs ago. The hair on my hair stands on end when i think what I might have done to him. Imagine him finding me in an armchair, late at night, and the nearest house 500 meters in the pitch black of the countryside?? This August I went to visit him in the States where he lives with his mother; he has developed Type I diabetes. I spent 30 days with him and reconnected with him after three years separation. Now I'm going back to Canada for good and I asked him if he'd join me to just be with me while I resettle back in there and he said "Yes!" joyfully. He really sounded happy that he could have me back on North American soil ( he worries about me being in South Africa). I cry about this. But these are good tears. I love my son. I love myson and I nearly left him 8 years ago in horrific circumstances ( I had enough diamorphine and cocaine to kill me with a 10th of what I had on hand.) I cry for guilt and shame and love and joy that i'm still here to see and hear him grow up into a man. Please, ladies, your kids need you and this website needs you. If the love is sometimes scarce or distant or unenthusiastic from time to time remember that the abyss, the black hole is just a 'hole" and we are the ladder, the rope ladders, that let us climb out again. Call the Samaritans, post on this site, call a friend - don't be alone if you can help it at all. love - Patrick

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