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1st downturn in a week

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Had a good day today. I decided to wait until I got to work to take my med. No valium today. Started feeling real good toward midday. Songs on the radio sound better when you're feeling good.

While I was at Whole Foods this evening, the anxiety tried to sneak in a couple of times. Even when I was checking out I just decided that I was not going to let it. I think I made some good progress today. I really need to work on my Monday attitude. Sunday night has always been bad for me. I had sleeping trouble on Sundays as far back as I can remember. I guess that was kindergarden. I was very attached to my late Mother. Had trouble going to school without her being there with me. This went on mostly during 1st grade. Separation from protection has always been tough for me. Had I not had to work Monday morning, there would not have been any panic.

And yes, I am noticing more clear thinking, being that I am taking less valium. I need to try as hard as I can to fill the bag up with good thoughts. I never wanted to take valium, but when my anxiety started getting really bad a few years ago, it was a stop sign. This was a signal that what I was taking for anxiety and depression was not working. That was when I switched to natural methods and the valium usage increased after a while.

Tonight I decided no stress. No workout. No yoga. Just spending time relaxing. Even working out can be stressful sometimes if it involves being obsessed with it.

OK, that is all for tonight. Thanks for all your insight. It really helps.

David

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

It stands to reason that if you reduce the valium that more information will get in. Being hyper-vigilant will get more of it into memory. Being hyper-vigilant will make more of it available. Now if you think negative still this is not good. But if you think positive when the load starts to build this is good. It is like some days when every thing is clear and beautiful. It takes a lot of information for that feeling. But put a negative spin on it and that same load of information can cause panic. It is a matter of perception. It is like being on a long drive. You can use the time to enjoy the surroundings or you can be annoyed because it is taking so long. Same information coming in. Two ways to treat it. This is conditioning. That shopping bag thing again. A negative tendency will make you dig right to the bottom of the bag if necessary. All this digging only adds to the anxiety. Where as digging and sifting through the positives adds pleasure. Same information in that corner of the triangle, how you use it in the thought corner dictates how it will show in the reaction corner.

Stands to reason that reducing the valium will increase the pleasure or the pain depending on your tendency. The SSRI is supposed to increase your positive tendency or at least reduce your negative. I really think CBT can reduce the need for the SSRI's help since I no longer need one which is good since I have no tolerance for them.

I'm aware of that annoying side effect you mention. I also found that if I focused on it that it got worse. It has a lot to do with the fact that what works against pain works against pleasure too.

Mental or physical. Some BP meds and pain killers do the same thing. Real bad when a person is taking all three.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

This just occurred to me. My short term memory has gotten a bit better. Perhaps the feelings from that may have brought on some anxiety. I was out of it for a while as I relied on the valium. Yesterday was the first day in more than 2 weeks where I needed more than a whole valium in one day. I consider that an accomplishment.

More later,

David

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Thanks again, Davit.

I'll write more later tonight. Have to get to work, but I wanted to check-in again real quick.

I have noticed one side effect is possibly is a sexual side effect. I hope it goes away. It eventually mostly did when I was on prozac from 1993-2003.

If you're right about the anxiety, I think it went away while on proac after a while. I was a lot younger than and less things to worry about. Things seem to magnify a bit lately. But I can beat it.

Talk to you later,

David

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

If I remember rightly there can be a bit of anxiety up to the six weeks it takes to get maximum effect. I know that is the s.....ts but if you know it, it gives you a reason to feel anxious which is better than wondering. If talking to your wife works so well maybe talking to yourself like me and sunny do would work. If nothing else it is a distraction. Because I don't have to be anywhere anymore it is hard for me. (was) I have to force myself some times because I can go home but I know that is not the answer. Better to get it over. And there lies the answer. "It is my decision to do this" Nothing else. Nothing to panic over. "it is my decision". And then for added distraction I would add things like "I did it okay last time" "I'm tougher than this crap".

Now of course the panic tries to sneak in and I would feel it. But by keeping up the distraction my Fight or Flight would have time to see there really was no danger. Symptoms would still be there for a few more minutes but this is where I reinforced the positive and rewarded myself with a smile by saying a few times. "I won I did it again" "It can't hurt me" Of course in the back of my mind I kept thinking bull. But that is okay because this little bit of positive is adding to the shopping bag. I found over time it got easier and I went from panic to "I won" faster. Till now I can do most anything with little anxiety, more like normal concern is all. I still don't want to which adds to the negative since I don't have to but I know so firmly that I can again that it is only a very little amount of anxiety. The other thing is that I know if all else fails I still have valium. Fifteen minutes and I will be fine. You know I don't even carry it with me anymore I have been so good for so long. I've had some form of anxiety for almost all 60 years of my life.

The anxiety built and built till finally It turned to panic attacks. It was unpleasant but I worked around it till the first panic attack. After that I had something top latch onto and fear. It has been nearly ten years since the first one. It has been over three since the last real bad one. The few after that were medication related and of no consequence. I did use an SSRI till I developed an intolerance to them. Then I used a TCA till I no longer needed it. I still have valium for when anxiety gets real bad (seldom) My reasons for anxiety are all physical. It is frustrating being disabled. (sunny doesn't like me saying crippled but some days I feel that way) Just like it is frustrating when there isn't enough money. The other thing is there was no anxiety as long as I was doing a job I liked. So for a while because I had to I would try hard to find something to like about the job. Some times all there was was that there was coffee and donuts next door to work. Or I was meeting some one for lunch. I guess even then I was using forms of CBT without knowing it to keep going.

Please keep us informed how you are doing.

You will notice it took me quite a while to get where I am but I was a wreck literally. It is worth it though to be pretty much panic free. Panic free and happy. I will never go back to the way I was and I can't see any reason I would that is how free I am. It isn't even a concern, conscious or not. There is no need for me to and I know I won't.

I'm off medication but for many it is necessary due only to the fact that they can't regulate seratonan. No big deal if a person can live with the side effects and many do. Many have none after the first six weeks. I don't think sunny has any side effects.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Thanks for asking, Davit.

Right now I feel OK, and I still feel like I am making progress, but I had a bit of panic this morning when I got to work. I became so afraid to go into the office. I was in the parking lot, and got my stuff and brought it to my truck. Then I panicked and moved my lunch bag back to my car. I took the second half of a 5 mg valium. I even switched my phone to my contacts and selected my Mother's name, but never dialed. I did not have a signal anyway. My wife was already with her class, so I could not call her. My mind was racing. I was very scared and nearly drove away in my car and was going to call in sick. All of a sudden I mustered up the resolve to go inside and started and finished the day without incident, but I felt really shaky there for a while. I felt scared on the way to work. I told my wife as we spoke on our cellphones. I asked her to tell me everything was going to be OK. She always tells me :-)

I often have trouble with Mondays. Sunday nights and Monday mornings have always been hard for me in my life. Sometimes I do it to myself and sometimes it's a bit of both. Today was a bit uncomfortable. Not unlike some mornings in the '80's when my Mom would have to kick me out the door to go to school. I was afraid of anxiety back then, too.

I had taken Lexapro just as I left for work and had to drive half an hour on the Interstate. The Interstate could make anyone nervous. I work near Orlando. I have felt a bit shaky when I first take it sometimes. Perhaps I am still getting used to the drug. I have now been taking it since Sept 24.

This does all follow a week filled with some anxiety that involved higher ups in the company not wanting to pay us for a certain amount of work we did. We also had our A/C go out at home and I had to buy 2 new tires for my car because one had a leak. This lasted about 3 days. By Friday I was still a bit shaken. On the way home Friday, I was also shaken because I was tired of traffic jams. Felt a bit shaky at some stores over the weekend. The pay situation was a great cause of it because I still did not get my check yet due to the banks being closed for Columbus Day. It'll hopefully be in my account tomorrow. Our mortgage is a day late because of the delay. My pay usually goes in the before the holiday.

I don't know if the meds I am on can cause anxiety early on. I have heard such things can happen. My therapist told me it takes some time for the seritonin to balance out. I have been up and down for so long that I know it'll take a while to get back to feeling normal most of the time. I was doing well for nearly two weeks with only occasional periods of anxiety. This was the worst yet.

Anyway, I had better get ready for bed. I wanted to come on here and vent, and I was happy to see that you asked how I was doing.

David

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Hello Wrestler.

Just wondering how you are doing.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Turtles have always been my favorite wild animal. have had many as pets throughout my life. They can be peaceful, like the box turtle, and they can be agressive like the painted turtle or slider or snapping turtle. It does not matter with me. I love them all.

Sunny the Box Turtle (My current profile pic) was given to me by my Father about 5 months before he died in 2008. So she is very special to me and my Wife. Whenever I need a smile, a turtl is a good place to find one.

Davit is right. Turtles are very comfortable with their own worlds. Sunny can close up like a box, if frightened or in danger. We all feel like that sometimes. She just was born with a shell to hide in. We have to create our own if we want that kind of comfort.

David

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Wrestler

I'm going to have to look into this. My father used to talk about wild turtles. There was a shell in my Grandfathers attic when I was a child. I never learned the storey behind it. Turtles seem to be more content with their world than the rest of us. There may be a lesson there.

I'm glad they help you.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

I often go out to see the turtles right when I get home from work. The other day (Friday) I went out there and got in the 16 foot by 8 foot cage I built in 2008 and took several pictures of Sunny the box turtle. I'll have to replace the picture I currently have up with one of those in a few days. She's really grown a lot.

Davit,

We bring ours in during the winter when the temperature drops into the 30's.

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1st downturn in a week