First off, I am a female, aged 25. I have a great family, a good full-time position, I work out and eat healthfully, and I never smoke or drink (but don't judge those who do, of course.) Just trying to establish my physical state before my mental state.
Well, I'm not sure where to begin but I found this website searching for clues about my anxiety issues. I've had them all of my life and I think it runs in my family. However, lately it's been much worse than I can remember. I've worried about many diseases and other situations (being a lesbian, for example--not sure why that would be so bad as to cause anxiety, but it did) in my life. But lately, none of them seem as bad as my latest fear.
My main fear the passed two weeks (and beyond) has been the fear of going blind. I read an article about "retinitis pigmentosa" (a disease that causes the individual to slowly go blind) a few months ago and ever since then the fear of going blind would come back but never as bad as the last few weeks. I would research it online constantly, asking my family and friends about it, and all the conflicting online information and confusing/anxiety worsening responses from friends and family would make it worse and worse. I cried a lot over it, my hands and arms felt tingly, my heart would pound, etc. I would tell myself I was having all the symptoms (night blindness, loss of peripheral vision) even though my vision was the same as it has been for 25 years.
I finally made myself an appointment with the eye doctor last Monday and she said my eyes were perfect and showed no signs of any problems. She knew exactly what "retinitis pigmentosa" was. I also have 20/15 vision (which is apparently better than 20/20. Who knew?)
I thought that having the health of my eyes confirmed by an eye doctor would alleviate the horrible anxiety, but it didn't. The moment I was driving away (with my pupils dilated and sunglasses on, of course) I was already questioning it. Was she in a rush because it was closing time? Did she miss a sign? Was the disease slowly starting up right now and I just missed getting it diagnosed? Did I not move my eyes correctly while she was examining my retina? I almost felt worse after hearing my eyes were okay.
The weird thing is, I wake up in the morning feeling fine. Almost normal. And then as the day goes by (whether I'm at work or at home on the weekend) the anxiety slowly gets worse and worse up into the night. I even go to bed earlier than I used to just to try to stop thinking.
When people tell me I have anxiety issues, I feel like that is too good to be true. "I can't possibly just have anxiety issues. That would be the easy way out." I feel like in every other case I read about on anxiety forums, "Oh, those people are just worried and anxious, at least they don't really have the affliction they are worried about like I do."
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (who I haven't seen in a years because I thought I was better) on Monday the 25th. Not sure I can wait that long. Does anyone else have this "It can't possible just be anxiety, that would be too good to be true" mentality? Thank you for any thoughts on this.